2009

I must say that as I head into New Years eve for the first time in as long as I remember I am in no hurry to leave the year behind.
2009 was a great year for me. It certainly did not start out that way.
It started as one of my most desperate.

Self Sabatoge?? just maybe!

So after a torturous few days or maybe week Yesterday was finally better.
The little voice finally gave me a break and I was able to have a peaceful day.
Now here is what is interesting. I cleaned my car.
Really was that the solution? Well maybe it was.

Christmas Day

Have I mentioned I really hate that little voice? The one that pops up and keeps me agitated.
This is the part I hate the most and what I most want to learn to control.

Commitments

I find it interesting how the mere thought of  a commitment makes me want to run for cover.
I am still working on my next 90 day workout challenge and with that comes commitment.
I have already committed to 365 days of Yoga and wanted to maybe do kickboxing again.
I have done it in the past and enjoyed it. Add to that the calorie burn is one of the highest for time spent and you get cardio and muscle work at one go. I walk by the gym as I go to yoga. Its a block away from my home.
So whats the issue?

My most Favorite Day of the Year

Woo hoo Winter solstice begins now! The days get progressively longer.
Needless to say, short days and BiPolar are an ugly mix. Just knowing the days are getting longer is a relief.

Bipolar 2010 the next generation

Spent the morning with Lillian. First I have seen her since my Vacation.
We really spent a lot of time focusing on what I have come to feel is the core issue for me now.

If you have  followed me you will know that I  feel I have a handle on the BP now. Yes we know it cannot be cured but managed, yes. Its not possible to eliminate the Depression but I have a much stronger sense of it and my coping skills kick in before it takes me down. Thats the best you can get and the rest is simply about eliminating outside stressors as much as possible.

My biggest realization has been about the depression itself and the affect it has had on my thinking.

Accountability and what it really means....

This morning was one that found me wondering about accountability and why it seemed so easy before and not so much at the moment.
I was supposed to start anew yesterday and while I did get to the gym and had a reasonable eating day I was a very long way from 100%, very long and as we all know, thats not me.
Generally when I commit its all good and off I go.
Now to waylay the fear a few of you are feeling, no, I have not abandoned ship and am about to cast you all adrift. 
I do not know how many people read my blog but I do have to constant and faithful followers who both sounded a bit panicked today when I did not appear as promised. Sorry just laying low, not laying down.
Given the nature of my business and the nature of my brain its not often that I can simply allow myself to and decide that it can all wait.
So I am here and I am embarking on this new challenge with you. I am simply wandering in rather than plunging.
Thats said, it is in fact more of an excuse to be lazy than restful.
As I headed out to Starbucks at 6a.m. I too had the thought of just where was Cindi and why was she not doing what she said. Accountability I thought, it all comes down to accountability.
Last year when I began RTP the largest driving force was how I felt. I hated how I felt and looked and was truly feeling hopeless. I had doubts as to whether I would find something that would work. I truly believed that possibly nothing would. Within 2 weeks I knew that the program would work for me and made my way into a  small community.
Now its that community that brought about accountability and if I had any doubts about that I re discovered the truth this morning.
I considered it all as I walked through the cold morning and knew I had to find my accountability again.
Daily accountability and a reason to step to the plate daily regardless of how I felt or what was going on.
There are, we know people out there that can set goals and drive them self through them.
I am not one of them. I can come close at times but fare much better in a community. Plus a lot of my drive comes from my leadership ability Pretty hard to lead yourself. Plus its a lot more fun with a group.

Where I have been for the last few days is struggling to find a reason to do things.
Yes I want to lose this last 15 lbs. But I know I can do it and there seems no reason for a deadline.
I am bored with work and thats not helping either.
The fact is I am bored with what I am doing and that is far from motivating. And this is bored not depressed so a different solution is required.
Bi polar has controlled my life more than one can fathom. The great thing with BP is that there was always a crisis looming so boredom was an unknown factor.
I have finally got to where I need to be. My life is under control or at least as under control as it can get.
The side effects of BP still exist but I have the management skills in place so nothing is ever out of place for very long.
This leaves me in a very unique and bizarre place for someone my age. I truly need to decide what it is that I want my life to be.
The difference can be referenced by considering your whole life spent swimming underwater. Day to day life was always about trying to break to the surface and staying there for a length of time. Occasionally I would manage long enough that actually getting to the shore seemed a possibility. It was never a reality and soon I would find myself submerged and swimming beneath the surface yet again. The main problem with being submerged is that fear is your constant companion. The surface then becomes "good enough", certainly better anyway. So the shore simply becomes the place other people get to go.
When you spend most of your life seeing the shore that way you lose or do not gain any understanding of what being onshore truly means. So in my mind I have seen it as either more than or convinced myself it was less than and I would not want it even if I could achieve it.
Now here I find myself living on shore, my swimming days behind me and no life skills to survive.
Well I can survive but not thrive and that is the essential bit.
I never had or used a PRW, simply losing weight and getting things in order was enough of a challenge. That changed but I have not made the adjustment.
At least I now know why I have been struggling with my goal setting and just doing it.
What I realize here and now is that I must dig deeper, look further. And learn some new life skills.
Seems I do have a goal, and a PRW.
I need to learn to live an authentic life this year.
Care to join me?
The first essential skill is one I had mastered and you my friends were somewhere along the path. And the fact that you are still here means that we are starting again.
Step one
Self nurture by being emotionally and psychically healthy.
I start now, Rachel Jan 5 and Meri??? well she will let us know.
Jace has begun a 50 day preshred and as long as we are doing the basics daily it matters not what "day" it is.
Commit yourself to 90 day, decide what your goal is for that 90. Chose a program, there are many and they all work if applied. The success comes from accountability and community.
Make a plan and work the plan.
I will be back tomorrow with more.
I promise.
.

Where to now??

So here we are. Thursday morning.
I was to have started my next 12 weeks yesterday but am not feeling the motivation.
Its tough after a few weeks off and I am simply making excuses.
I did do my grocery shopping yesterday and simply need to print off my prgrams and wander down to the gym.
So why have I not yet wandered?
Certainly I have found getting my body back into the appropriate time zone a bit of a challenge.
I was up at 4am yesterday and did use my SAD lamp in hope of reactivating the appropriate melatonin
levels at the correct time.  I fell asleep on the couch late afternoon and eventually crawled into bed.
I woke and checked the time. Ha 1130pm. I was ready to start the day!
I did manage to go back to bed and slept till past 5. I did the SAD lamp again and hopefully I can get back on track. I just have to force myself into staying away from napping and not sleeping till evening.
So what motivates us now?
My doubt that I can accmplish my goal has been erased. My doubt that I can vastly improve my muscle tone and reduce the affect of aging is gone. I know I can stick with the program. So whats the delay?
I suspect at the end of it all it simply comes down to getting started. Its the Today is when I begin that seems to be the missing ingredient.
So its not today and thats Ok.
It will by the way be Monday. I have simply decided that I need to ease into it. I am going to start with Yoga. Spend the next 5 days giving my body the stretching and warm up it needs.
Plus simply relax and enjoy a few days at home that d not involve such a strict schedule.
Go to the gum and do a pre work out evaluation and see what my starting weights are.
I did d my measurement and wiegh in and I will start with pics on Monday. I am going to look and see if there is a way to post pics here privately.
So if you are looking for the motivation to start something, any part at all give some thought to Monday.
It may not be a full fledged 90 day mission but you can start to track your food, go for a walk daily, simply get started. So pick one thing and lets get started.
Are you in...let me know!

Hmmmm

Hi folks I'm back.
The trip was interesting and we did have fun but not a big fan of Thailand.
Dana and I had a good laugh over the fact we both agreed that, truly we hated Thailand.
What was most interesting was the fact that everyone raves of how beautiful it is.
All we found was dirty overcrowded commercialism.
Happy we went but certainly no plans to return.
The more one travels the more you begin to understand yourself and what ones own expectations are.On
Brazil looms in the future I suspect or perhaps Greece.
We certainly saw a lot and some of it was quite interesting.

On a personal level it was a great experience for me. There were some major problems and I was able t handle them all. Little things like the plane losing 3/4 navigation systems and having to turn back.
Very interesting to watch them dump all that fuel.
I spent the day trying to get my body rythm back and doing laundry.
I will be starting my new 12 weeks on Wednesday and spent sme time today discussing nutrition with Jace.
I am going to go back and do the basic RTP diet. It worked the best and I had great success .
Tomorrow will be grocery shopping and inputting meal plans.
Jace is on Day 11 of his preshred and losing well so I better step up.
15lbs is the immediate goal and I will get that done by Feb 15/2010.
Its goal time folks, better dust yours off.
See u all tomorrow
C

and here we go

Well shortly I will pretend to try and sleep for a few hours before heading to the airport.
I fly to Chicago and then to Bangkok.
Hard to believe its here already.
One of the other things of note is that I am going to a "sun" place and looking forward to it.
Why would I not look forward to it? Well not that many months ago I would not have been able to consider shorts and bathing suits an option.
Its funny how my thought process has undergone a shift.
All I packed was bathing suits and shorts or skirts and sleeveless T's.
No thought of not being comfortable in such skimpy apparel. Yes I still have more to lose and one can always improve on their Muscle tone but I am not horrified at the thought.
Seven months is not such a long time when you look back. And seven months from meeting all of you.
A friend of mine asked me tonight if it was going to be weird meeting Dana for the first time.
No I replied, I may not have been in her physical presence but it will not feel like meeting for the first time.
It really is such a statement that my anxiety is so low over all of this.
Here I am travelling across the world, meeting up with 2 woman I have never met and no trepidation.
It really tells me how much control I have of my BP.
What a win these past months have been and what a journey.
Something none of us would have continued without one another.
So much has transpired to the group yet here we are still standing strong.
Rachel starts her Radiation treatments. She will be fine but it is all a bit much and rather nerve racking for her. Send out lots of healing Chi for our girl. We are hoping she gets the loss of appetite side affect and no other. Its the look good Naked radiation treatment she opted for.
We love you Rach, be well.
We will try and post to facebook but as there is some political unrest, well rather a lot of it, there may be facebook issues.
Meri is off to search for a new nest for her family. Hope they find what they seek.
Have a great couple of weeks and plan hard for the upcoming challenge.

2 more days

Wow only 2 more days and I will be on my way.
The last week has been blur of activity.
I had 2 social functions on top of everything else.
I was out with clients Friday and spent saturday sleeping. After all this time of eating clean and not drinking 2 martinis and sme wine hit me like a truck.
A well learned lesson before leaving on Holiday. I have no desire to waste a day hungover while I am away.
So today I will pack and  do all my final prep before going.
I must get a workout in today and tomorrow. Its also beautiful so a walk would be a good thing,
We are so looking forward to this trip. We have lots of things booked and the scenery by itself will be enough to occupy us.
The goal is to maintain while I am away, no going off the rails. We shall be very active so I do  not see it as a problem.
Hope every ones plans for the upcoming challenge are taking great form.
See you all in a few weeks

Reflections and what it takes to move forward

Interesting day today.
I had ordered some things to take away with me and was becoming concerned they would not arrive in time.
On my way back from Starbucks I encounted the mail delivery with my parcel. Ordering on line is always a guess and sized are tough.
The good news is that most of what I purchased fit and if not now then shortly. It may not do for this trip but I shall keep it.
The one thing I was not concerned with was the one piece bathing suit. Haaaaaaaa bathing suits are hell and no its does not work.
I shall take myself off to one of the local swim shops and find something before I go.
Not sure if trying on the bathing suit was my undoing but it really forced me to take a look at where I am and where I want to be.
Looking in the mirror and trying to feel good in a bathing suit is a challenge. looking good in clothes not as much of one.
So after feeling good about where I was at and feeling like the weight was beginning to move, staring at this old body upclose and personal...well

What I do know is that I am different. And I am different because I walked away from that mirror reminding myself of how I would have felt 30 lbs ago. And 7 months on working out continuously ago.
The thing that I realize daily is how much I have avoided really looking and that is what I must absorb.
The last time I went to a resort and considered wandering around in a bathing suit was 1999.
A whole lot has transpired since then and I am 10 years older. 10 years at this stage of life is a very long time on the body.
The good news is that I calmly wrapped up the bathing suit and had a calm conversation with myself.
No, not where I want to be but truly need to look at where I am compared to where I was.
Expectations need to be managable and so do our lives.
My first thougths of course was that I should have been more extreme with myself during the summer.
Well the fact is I worked out consistently, built some LBM, allowed my skin to adjust at a reasonaable rate, shaved a few more inches of and never considered quiting or bingeing.
Everyday I am closer to my goal. For the last 4 years that has not been true.
I looked back to show myself just what had transpired and why I should not expect to undo what had taken a few years in a few months.
In 2005 I started the year with a good program in place and continued it through the summer by walking everyday. I was at a good weight but likely about where I am and in not to bad of shape. That November I remember running outside in shorts, it was a year similar to this. I sustained myself till Dec and then started to slide. I have evidence of a manic episode in early January and I will have started the upward climb of weight once again. I started a kickboxing total body course and did 17 weeks and recall that I was getting a lot of comments as the summer progressed about how slim I was getting ( good comments)
Again I maintained it and then November hit and again my weight began to climb. Always smaller amounts, likely 10 lbs but that beginning. In February I travelled to NY for my 50th BD and upon my return we came to the conclusion of my BP.
Ah yes and then the drugs and my weight began to esculate. Beginning of 2008 and I tried Nutrisystem. Lost some weight, likely about 10 lbs and then when I returned in April and could no longer run it started to get out of control.
Well I was out of control.
Sept of 2008 I started working with a trainer 3/wk and following her nutrition program. My weight either stayed the same or edged up. Somewhere in there I topped out at the highest I have ever been or will ever be.
March 23 I began yet another new program.
And here I am. Still at it. Everyday moving forward. Everyday working out and eating with awaremess.
Everyday getting out of bed and coping with my depression and my BP.
It funny as I write this.
I have been encouraging Rachel to consider the future and plan her new program.
Not because I think it matters if she gains or loses 10 lbs but because I think its important she feel in control of whats happening.
Ok a slightly different mirror to look in.
It really is all about moving and looking forward.
Yes I wish I could get there in a hurry but I cannot.
Actually most of us cannot and that is where the problems come in.
We spend years getting out of shape and want it all back in 90 days or less.
I wanted to be done by Jan1, not going to happen. I wanted to be done by Feb 16, not likely to happen.
But..........
I can continue and I will be very much closer by Jan 1. And Feb 16 is 7 weeks into our 12 week challenge.And at the end of our 12 week challenge I will have reached a place that I was sick with believing I would never see.
When I think of how I felt on Mar 23/2009, it was not optomistic it was desperate.
And on March 23/2010 I will be very far from desperate, very.
Sometimes we have to let things be enough. I have a hard time with that and so do most of you.
So lets look forward to enough and simply do the best we can in such a way that we sustain it.
How amazing that we have each other to go to and to help with that. Something else we did not have 7 months ago and certainly something we will have in 5 months time.
So while we have lost we have gained. And if you have gained you have not lost. I mean that however you feel about yourself.
So make a plan that works for you and we will move forward together.
Its a great concept.

8 more sleeps

-55 and 11 more sleeps

I am starting to get excited about our trip. Lots to do before I go and as per usual every client on the planet comes looking for me just as I plan to leave. It does always seem to be the way.
I am not concerned and have a freind to cover for when I am gone.
I am in week 5 of my program and the tweaks to the program seem insignificant on paper but I sure can feel them. Its too bad I have hol in the middle. I suspect it will slow some of the progress but I can see some difference already so 11 more days can net me a nice amount of BF gone. Not going to have a flat tummy but it certainly is better and I will get there.
Today I met with clients I have not seen since last summer. I was standing talking to him and she stopped and stared at me and then was like wow I did not recognize you. You look like you have had a complete makeover and so slim... Yes she used the word slim. I just smiled broadly and said yes that I was finally getting back to me.
It was a really great feeling. After working so hard all these months it is nice to have someone else recognize it.
I even felt inspired to go lingerie shopping after. Now thats saying something.
It certainly does feel exceptional to feel good about myself again.
I also am feeling excited about my workouts and progress again. I can see new changes again. What I refer to is down the road, in another few months. I can see myself not only at my goal weight but toned with muscle definition.
I think as we progress we have to spend sometime seeing our new selves and then seeing our better selves.
This program goes till Jan 1 and then we are starting Jace's 12 week challenge. 1/2 way in is my birthday and I plan to be inspired to hit big goals by that date.
March 23 is the A8's one year anniversary and I will be awesome long before.
The weather here is still unseasonablely warm and thats a great treat. I am attempting to use it to get moving just a bit more. 1 extra 20 min walk. Truly it will be cold soon and I will regret not having taken advantage of it.
The other bit of news is that Gowear has revamped the online program. I will now be able to enter cals into daily and that will be a great bonus.

I certainly like feeling this motivated. No struggle with food or workouts. Today I had a course and then clients so completely off schedule. I am happy to report I simply came home, ate what I was to and hit the gym. Success certainly takes us a long way emotionally.
Hope everyone has a great weekend
C

-57-14

Only 13 more sleeps till Bangkok....It sure is going to come up quick.
I am in week 5 of my program. Some subtle changes in the program in round 2 and I can feel it.
I am excited to see my progress over the next few weeks.
I had a lovely long chat with Jace today and we have a New Years special coming up.
I think its something that will be a great way to start 2010 for all of us.
I have also been looking at some interesting sights and will update you all as I have time to take a further look.
I just had 2 days of massive reload and today was back to deficit. Its interesting how after only 2 days It takes a bit of discipline to go back to clean eating. Food as fun, a really bad habit.
Lots of great changes in my body after all these months, too many to start down a road that leads nowhere.
All good here...goal weight Here I come!

ramblings and its working

About 10 days ago I met with another woman who is a patient of Lillians. Lovely lady but what  I want to speak about is how interesting it was to meet someone else who is BP.
So much of the strange happenings in my brain are not mine alone, no they are part of the BP brain.
We laughed at the similarities and bizarre thought processes we shared.
Well we laughed because too many tears have been spilt over this and there simply is no point.
The epitamy of crying over spilt milk.

I mention this because I think these revelations that its not just me manifesting this shit but a by product of bipolar that breaks through some thought barriers. It opens my black and white thinking to some grey areas. And the grey areas are where the answers are. Even to questions you did not know you had.
As I had several years of cognitive behavior therapy prior to the eventual diagnoses of BP I have great skill at analysing behavior, its the recognizing it that is difficult.
That is where all these rumblings and ramblings are coming from these days.
I experience paradigm shifts this way, I always have. No grey areas there.
Hmmmm is my life veiwed as black and white because  I truly lived in shades of grey for so long.
Haaaaa thats one for Jace!
I am deep into this shift. My mind is searching for more clarity. Another peel off the onion. Its all good but it is a very interesting time.
My thought processes become very quick and in depth.  When a thought pops into my head  my brain instantly grasps it and begins the process of breaking it down. Its quite fascinating and its like I observed myself from outside.
I have often mentioned its like I have a split personality. I begin to wonder if this is right brain left brain activity. When I was in discussion with this woman she said she felt certain internal chatter came only from her right side. I have never been aware of this but must do some research on R/L brain activity and see it I can observe this in myself.
Meri has been after me for a while, she beleives I have something to say. After our conversation the other night I have begun ot ponder that fact. Being mid shift this may have been the ideal time for her to have mentioned it again. I am very open to things at this moment as my clarity bubble seems to be active.
It also seems that this has occured since that last crash. That too is of interest.
I think that at one time this would have been a manic episode for me. Which follows given I was in crash mode. I have always beleived that for me mania was a self induced survival instinct. It was something I used to drag me from the depths of depression.
I wonder if its my success with CB therapy or age that has caused this change. Truly I do not get manic.
I have always felt I was 90% depressive and mania was a coping mechanism.
I wonder what others experience.
So I have some thoughts formulating. A thought process moving me into a future. Its amazing how difficult that is. But with focus I can do it. The difference for me know is that I have shown myself that I can manage my depression. Its there but I have learned the skills and I am in control, not that other entity that lives in my brain. Certainly what ever it is that malfunctions in the BP brain is a cousin of split personality disorder.
What I feel today is a resurgance of the ability to use my intellect to problem solve.
Being able to push the fear of depressions dominace to the side will allow me to follow the path to success.
Thanks Meri.
And its working.
As you know I am on day 2 of reload. Hi GI carbs.
The one thing the Leigh Peele always preaches is that we need to quit being afraid of food and learn to understand it. This is certainly reinforced doing 2 days of refeed in this manner,
Here I am less than 2 weeks to the beach and I am eating waffles and bagels.....with butter.
Its a big leap of faith be she says do as I say period. This program is about carb cycling with your exercise and I know I do not have a clue so could not begin to tweak it. Well I could begin but I would just me messing with something I know nothing of.
The scale has been uncooperative and today it was back up. Now I expected that given the load of carbs I am eating and so I simply accepted that as fact and have faith that it will continue its tumble to the next decade by weekend.
But what I did see today is a difference...in the mirror. I am finally dropping BF again. I can see it in my face and when I was in the gym I can see more definition.
As I have been doing a lot of lifting for the last 5 months I know I have built a lot of muscle but it could only be glimped as it was still buried beneath.
I also am reminded of where my body shifts from previous times I have experienced weight loss.
I am seeing one now and I suspect my body is going to allow me to drop 5 lbs in the next while.
That is where the next ledge comes in and then within 3 lbs of that changes become evident again.
Quite exciting for me to feel like I am reaching these levels. Plus very motivating.
Dana has subjected herself to some 6 week contest so we shall both be well behaved on our hol.
Not that we will not be eating and drinking more cals than normal but we will be finding ways of burning those off.
Walking for hours on a lovely sandy beach does not seem like any form of punishment to me.
Final thought for today.
This program does involve lifting but not the intense hour or more a day I had been doing for the previous 4 months.
Reload training is full body and much more intensive. Man can I feel it. Its interesting to feel that way after all this time.
Its been hard to get away from lifting that hard. Everything else feels like a non workout. I think this is another thought process like food to over come. There are no bad or wrong workout methods, just different and our bodies need a bit of everything.

-59-16....and where did Cindi go?

As most of you know I have just progressed to week 5 of LP's OPT /remix.
I am happy to report the scale does appear to be making progress to the next decade ( down ..not up we are so DWT!!)
I really am in the last throws of that last 10 lbs and I think when you add in my age, menopause, the addition of estrogen my body has a few challenges to overcome to get to that next place.
What that means is digging a little deeper. Staying with the program and writing it all down.
It certainly has been the topic of conversation of late. I have found myself having conversations around this theme with Dana,Meri and Rachel. Its not what we eat that needs to change its our relationship with food. It has been a reward for is for far too long. It is the most disfunctional relationship all of us have and certainly is a common thread.
If you want to lose the weight you have to change your relating to food....Fact!
I was just telling Meri and Dana that one of the reasons I do not seem to be struggling with the extremity of this program is that I get that it may very well be my last.
Once these last 10 lbs are gone all I must do is maintain. And maintenance after living deficit for so long looks pretty simple to me.
Meris concern was about having the ability to stop after indulgence. Again it comes down to relationship.
Why am I so sure. Well I turned that corner about 2 months ago. I guess my first break that I took in August was a great reinforcement for me. I went off program for a week and had no trouble getting back into reasonable eating. I indulged but did not feel the desire to over indulge.
On the LP: program I am on you have reload days. These are a surplus of calories plus they consist primarily of Hi GI foods.
Very bizarre to be eating bagels and ones made with white flour.
These days are based around training and do not occur at regular intervals. The last one was 10 days ago and this week I have 2 together and then not another for another 15 days. So not something you get accustomed to. Which has a great impact on my thought process on indulging.
Needless to say I have to really think about what it is I am going to eat. This is not food normally in the house.
So this morning I made waffles complete with butter and syrup.Terrific but truly I really do not get hungry after something like that. When I cam back from the gym at 1:30 I realized I needed to eat again.
Hmmm what did I really want. I decided on a banana. Haaa really. Its been so long since I could enjoy a full banana that is what I wanted.
I added a bagel and a Tb of peanut butter and still have only eaten 1/2 my calories for the day and I have to do this again tomorrow.
I simply do not crave this stuff anymore. The fact is that for me it was simply emotional and somehow I deserved it.
The longer I go the more I see and the more I desire only one thing...clarity of mind.
There are not enough donuts in the world to replace the feeling of ease that I find,
I am tired of the hyper and the negative and the fear. I do  not want that to be my life.
I do not want to worry about my weight. I do not want to live in confusion.
The clarity comes from letting my body function at its best. Its so simple and we have heard it time and again but we resist.
You must see your relationship with food for what it is before anything in your life will change.
Once you do, everything will change.
We may not need to dig it all out, just resist the behavior for a while, long enough to feel the affect.
Weight loss 101: Deal with the disfunction.
Food will always be in your life,fact. Not one you can change. There is no other way.

-60-17

Haa I am making up for lost posts... I had the opportunity to catch up with Meri tonight.
I have missed our daily interactions. Since the 23 of March, never a day went by without knowing where the other was. The last few months have found us caught up in our "real" and we simply have not had the chance.
It is interesting the strength of the friendships we forged in the early days of the SS. For me many of them are of extreme importance.
This last few weeks has been spent catching up and completing tasks that have been left undone.
One of my goals is to remove anything that causes me stress. So many little things that are on the constant "I should" list. I am attemping to remove all of them prior to the Thailand trip.
I have a bar in the great room and I had yet to install the lights. I did this earlier in the week but was needing a new piece to complete it. The other thing I needed to do was repaint one of the walls.
All my North facing walls are black. I also used flat paint so they scuff and installing the shelves last year had scuffed them. No problem I would just repaint. Fast forward to one year later.
See what I mean by tasks left not done that cause stress!
The other thing that was required was breaking into my storage locker. Long story of doing something in a hurry without thought.
Needless to say, last night I was successful and organized it while I was at it.
The other thing I needed to do was adjust some of my shelves in the kitchen. As much as they are adjustable you have to remove the doors to do it.
So this weekend was spent doing this and cleaning from top to Bottom.
Plus Kristine is staying here when I am away so it was a great time to clean everything up.

For me it is such a reflection of just how much the depression has ruled my life the last years.

I have always been extremely organized and active ( likely mania) so to look at how I just did not get to things is amazing.

I am so fortunate to live in a beautiful space yet I seldom use it and do no entertaining simply because to many things were not getting done.

I take my ability to get stuff done at this time of year as a really good sign.

Upward and onward.

Drink anyone? Bars Open.

Setting myself free:

Guilt and fear.
Every now and then I have another epiphany.
You would think years of therapy would have dragged it all out but today I realize that because of the depression my mind lacks clarity. The fact that the depression has come and gone without my realizing it for what it was has contributed to this.
The fact that I deal with 2 issues, one being the BP and the other the trauma of early childhood abuse is a lethal mix of skewed cognitave thinking.
What I have discovered today is that the longer I have clarity the more my brain is able to shift to rational thinking.
I have been hyper vigilant in monitering my BP for the last 6 months and aside from a bad few days here and there have truly made a shift.
I had a crash in the month of October and that simply brought me back to strong focus.
Staying focused which leads to staying active is my life force, the key to management.

To bring us to this point I will make mention that I have been estranged from my family since 1992.
For me this is a good thing as coping with their disfunction simply hightened mine and there is no value there for me.
Through circumstance and the internet I stumbled upon a myspace page of my youngest brother. My relationship with him was bizarre, the circumstances of our childhood creating a distrust so strong that I would not ever feel safe in the same room with him. Real or not I cannot say. He has lived a life of full disfuntion and is a user. At 57 he is still living off my Mother and has worked very little and to the best I know accomplished very little.
What I discovered was that he was on his way to Arizona and was getting married this weekend.
His page speaks of the homes he owns and unless my mother has completely lost her mind and given him her largest assets ( which I doubt) he is being misleading in suggesting he owns these properties.
His fiance is 57 and so excited about marrying this wonderful man......hmmmm.
Oh, I forgot to mention he has recently found Jesus ( did Jesus know he was missing?), sorry my skepitism is not without reason.
So my first instinct was to send this woman an email. Not sure what her financial circumstances are but she spoke of selling her home and I was oh oh !
I did decide over a few days time that she was the one responsible for having checked his story and if she wanted to be conned that was her choice.
The second occurance was with a friend of mine. He is having some difficulty and wanted my help.
Now I only have his side of the story and this involves my business.  He wanted me to talk to as many people as I could.  The reason he needs me is that I have a lot of freinds and respect in the industry and while his business is financially successful he has few friends.
Like usual I agreed and after thinking about it wondereed whether I really wished to involve myself.
Of course guilt came out to play, you promised guilt said. Yes I did but then last year when this friend
volunteered to help me with a situation he never followed thru and left me at a financial loss because I trusted his word.
So whats this all about? Clarity!
I still allow fear and guilt to guide my actions when I should not. I take responsibility for things that are not mine. All this does is take energy away from my own life.
This is borne out of a misplaced childhood belief that it was my job to make things better. Typical thinking of an abused child. Make it better and the abuse stops. Actually it does not but it was a survival mechanism.
I do not need to make things better for others. They are not out there making things better for me and the sooner I realize and accept that the easier my life becomes.
It removes the fantasy of someone coming to save me and takes my stress level down by a huge amount.
I am not responsible for the actions or results of others lives and thoughts. Just mine.
Its a slow process but the more I control the BP the easier my life gets.
Its a shift in thinking I need to make.
The sooner I do the sooner I set myself free.

-61-18

Today was a day of pondering results and expectations. That of course leads to making sure my head is on right.
I am also at the end of round 1 and have 2 full weeks of round 2 before we leave.
My scale jumps up and down and truly I am uncertain as to my weight loss. That said I feel a difference in some of my clothes and have to simply keep faith with the program. My goal at the moment is to see 2 new decades before we go. One in my weight and one in my BF%.
The OPT remix program is unlike any I have ever done and I must keep reminding myself she would not have put it in the book if it did not work. Round 2 has some slight differences and very possibly I will enter a higher fat burning phase. I will, of course not know that unless I stick with it.
I do know what I am burning daily so the only variable left is nutrition. I will be extremely diligent for the next 2 weeks, no side tracks of any measure.
Today I wrote out 14 days of menu according to the plan.
I am commited to weighing every morsel of food and to being hungry if that is what it takes.
A new decade becons and I really want to visit it.
I realize that I need to really  want and see it or it will not happen.
I have been at this for 7 months now and its time for me to see the reward. A little hard work and I will be there.
Tight nutrition till the New Year and I should have my weight were I want it. After that I can go back to building muscle and let that burn off a bit of body fat.
61 days....I can do that

65/21/ 1 Having faith in your program

I have not blogged for a few days but I am compliant on my program. Had a few down days so missed 2 workouts but nutrition is 100%.
I was thinking of Rachel when I started to write this and the connection I am about to reveal comes from that.
First I wanted to let all of our friends now she is doing well. Strong, positive, brave and lovely.
Having a bit of a tif with a pair of jeans but this too shall pass.
What I wanted to relay was that she has a program in place and will begin her Radiation on the 23.
While I refuse to play down the stress of this time she does seem to be coping well and truly thats all one could expect.
sigh......its so easy to write that and we simply pretend like Oh yeah, the 23. My  heart plunges to know she must endure this. Its not a small thing, not a small thing at all.
The connection? Well I was thinking as I started to write that sheesh Day 65 and my scale is barely moving. Really another almost 4 weeks of sticking to my program and I really am far from happy with my results. Not quick enough, my body is being stubborn and I am leaving for Thailand on the 23rd and I wanted to be thinner.
See the connection?
No, its not really the 23rd. It's that as I started to whine and feel sorry for myself having to do yet another program and still have 65 days and well maybe even more because my body is resilient to losing this BF.
See it yet??
The connection is that we both are on programs.
The difference as to what and why is staggering and I cannot believe I had the audacity to spend one moment or thought of poor me. WTF???
And no I was not comparing myself to Rachel but I could not believe that I had allowed myself to be that indulgent.
Its funny how we can become so focused on self that we really don't allow ourselves to see the big picture.
Stomping my foot like a child. I have choices and I have made choices. I made bad food choices over good ones. I chose to not be strict for the last while. I chose to want to lose this last weight in a more aggressive fashion and I also chose my program.
A program that was 90 days not 28 with miracle results. My point to self is that I need to have and keep faith with my program.
My inspiration....Rachel.
The lesson for me is to slow down, work through it and use gratitude as my driving force not self indulgence.

71/27/1

Today was health task day. Had an appointment with my Dr for my shots before I go to Thailand.
Aside from Hep A/B I had to have Tetnus/deptheria plus a shot for Typhoid. Apparently Thailand is hi risk for Typhoid. She also insisted I get a H1N1 and seasonal flu shot. Given the length of the flight she really felt it was best. 
Fortunately it was a rest day for Workouts. All the shots were inter muscular and I am very sore tonight.
It's a good thing I went today because they are starting to run out of virus and are going to restrict who can get it.
Nutrition was 100%. Tomorrow is Reload, first one in 10 days. I have been on plan so I am hoping for some numbers moving closer to the next decade.
The rest of the day was filled with some other followups and an eye test.
Glad to have it all out of the way.
I am working at cleaning up all the little things that need done.
Really we put things off that do not have a high impact but do cause stress simply because we do not get them done.
I plan to have every possible thing done before I leave.
In exactly 4 weeks today Dana and I will have spent our first day in Thailand.
Its starting to feel real and I am sure the excitement is going to start to build.
Reload exercises tomorrow. Its a more intense workout. It will be interesting to see how it feels this time.
Till tomorrow

-72-28and 1

I preferred u as a zero but I love you just as you are.
We really are getting to countdown time here. Our trip to Thailand becomes more real everyday.
Very exciting. It also ups the anti knowing we will be in bathing suits soon..yikes.
Well a lot can happen in 28 days.I have every intention of being in the next decade by the time I get off that plane.
Man I don't know what it is about this LP program but now that I am 3 weeks in ouch!! I can really feel it. The exercises are quite different and the end result is once you know how to do them correctly they really do work you.
Another 100% day. Went out for dinner and managed to stay on plan. I had the talk with myself before I went. No way at this point I can cheat myself. Way to close to 'kini time.
Still crossing things off my list.
All good here

-73-29-0

Truly surreal that we will be in Thailand in less than a month.
I am having a great week. The things that need doing list is diminishing daily. I did 2 things today I have been putting off for a year. Staying on top of things is a major discipline. It forces the focus and keeps the depression at bay, all good.
So another 100% day. I was thinking tonight as I dug in the fridge for veg for stirfry how much I am coming to hate veg.haaaaaaaaaaa....children.....yes we are.
The most deceptive thing about OPT/remix is the workouts. They seem so benign and then by mid afternoon my lats and shoulders are screaming.
Thats all for tonight.
Hope everyone is having a great week.

-74-30-0

Well another 100% day. This program is really boring food wise. Its odd that I think that.
The only difference is that I do not eat oatmeal for breakfast and I did on occasion have a wrap at lunch, so its not that big of a difference. Haa I laughed as I wrote that. Maybe its the little cheats that kept it from being boring. That certainly tells me I really must have been indulging more than I admitted to myself.
Its also funny to think I miss oatmeal.
I am however putting my complete faith in the program and simply carrying on.
I have been bouncing around too much with nutrition and that is why I have not lost the remainder of my weight.
I think woman need to be really careful buying into the body composition fat versus muscle.
Yes there will be occasions where this happens but I think if you have 10% or more of BF to lose you should not buy into it. I did and then simply sold myself that I was not overeating.
I have maintained the weight loss but truly should have been done by now. So strict adherence to nutrition is certainly number 1.
So today I reorganized my laundry room. I have been unhappy with it and finally put some more thought into it. I have been at a loss as to why I did not finish up some of this stuff.
I moved last October and did a lot in the first month but nothing after that.
I know realize it was the "winter depression" and then I started RTP in March and that became my focus.
I really hate clutter but have also accumulated a lot of stuff.  Stuff thats too good to throw out but..........
So again I was throwing as I went. If I have not used it I do not need to keep it.
I am very happy with the result of the laundry room and I managed to use what I had rather than buying more...sigh. I have some really wasteful habits.
The thing that I am happiest about is I managed to make room for the ironing board to remain set up and the garment steamer has its own home. I like the effeciency of just doing 1 piece of ironing. Before I always felt having to haul everything out to be a pain.
Its silly I have tons of space for one person and still seem to have stuff that has no home or is inconvenient to get to.
I just have to tackle my office now and I will be done.

Hard to believe but I am on week 3 of OPT /remix. I am hoping for a serious downward spiral of these last pounds.
And Ms Rachel, our beloved 0, soon you will be tackling your last 10 so do not be quite so snappy with the responses.
Focus my friends we have some shredding still left to do.

-75-31-0

I am going to keep the 0. Rachel is a big fat zero and she is staying that way. Zero Cancer.
So the scale seems to be cooperating but I may be speaking too soon.
I spoke of this to both Caz and Dana and have reached the following conclusion.
The real reason the last 5/10/15 lbs of BF is so much harder to lose is discipline and drive.
When we had 30 lbs to lose we had no issue remaining 100% compliant.
Now we all seem to indulge in "harmless" mini cheats and assure ourselves we are "entitled".
Seems to me that same Entitlement is what got us to needing to lose weight in the first place.
Its amazing how we all eat clean 95% and then allow ourselves that bit that takes us away from the goal.
Well I am going to be on the beach in 31 days and time as they say is of the essence.
So no cheats or wavering. 100%
I remind myself that in less than 75 days I will be at my goal weight and can move to maintenance.
So why do some seem to lose that 5/10 easier....Discipline.....sigh
I am feeling better, my little crash was just a need to see I guess. Its all a learning curve.
So 31 days at 100%....Wohooo....I will be so glad to say goodbye to this muffin top.
Have a great and productive week
C

Eshet Chayil :Rachel

Gratitude: Something we should feel and acknowledge daily but likely do not.

I am filled with gratitude today.
Rachel is out of Surgery and all looks extremely well.
Did I mention I am grateful, and relieved and grateful and feel more like crying than ever but these are tears of relief.
Last week both Rachel and I made promises. She promised Max she would be fine and I promised her she would keep that promise.
It was a promise neither of us was willing to break.
I am grateful we will not have to.
I want to say I am grateful for the friendships that we all have formed.
Jace,Dana.Meri,Juli.Caz and Helen.
We do not need to e-see one another daily for the friendships to endure.
Grateful that my life is better and that all of you have a role in that.
Grateful, really really grateful that Rachel is OK and we can now torture her into her Bikini.
Grateful for continuity
To my friend Rachel, I know this is traditionally spoken by the husband but there is so much of you in this.
A Woman of  Valour


Eshet chayil mi yimtza v'rachok mip'ninim michrah


An accomplished woman, who can find? Her value is far beyond pearls.



Batach bah lev ba'lah v'shalal lo yechsar

Her husband's heart relies on her and he shall lack no fortune.



G'malathu tov v'lo ra kol y'mei chayeiha

She does him good and not evil, all the days of her life.



Darshah tzemer ufishtim vata'as b'chefetz kapeiha

She seeks wool and flax, and works with her hands willingly.



Haitah ko'oniyot socher mimerchak tavi lachmah

She is like the merchant ships, she brings her bread from afar.



Vatakom b'od lailah vatiten teref l'vetah v'chok l'na'aroteiha

She arises while it is still night, and gives food to her household and a portion to her maidservants.



Zam'mah sadeh vatikachehu mip'ri chapeiha nat'ah karem

She plans for a field, and buys it. With the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.



Chagrah v'oz motneiha vat'ametz zro'oteiha

She girds her loins in strength, and makes her arms strong.



Ta'amah ki tov sachrah lo yichbeh balailah nerah

She knows that her merchandise is good. Her candle does not go out at night.



Yadeha shilchah vakishor v'chapeiha tamchu felech

She sets her hands to the distaff, and holds the spindle in her hands.



Kapah parsah le'ani v'yadeiha shil'chah la'evyon

She extends her hands to the poor, and reaches out her hand to the needy.



Lo tira l'vetah mishaleg ki chol betah lavush shanim

She fears not for her household because of snow, because her whole household is warmly dressed.



Marvadim astah lah shesh v'argaman l'vushah

She makes covers for herself, her clothing is fine linen and purple.



Noda bash'arim ba'lah b'shivto im ziknei aretz

Her husband is known at the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.



Sadin astah vatimkor vachagor natnah lak'na'ani

She makes a cloak and sells it, and she delivers aprons to the merchant.



Oz v'hadar l'vushah vatischak l'yom acharon

Strength and honor are her clothing, she smiles at the future.



Piha patchah v'chochma v'torat chesed al l'shonah

She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the lesson of kindness is on her tongue.



Tzofi'ah halichot betah v'lechem atzlut lo tochel

She watches over the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.



Kamu vaneha vay'ash'ruha ba'lah vay'hal'lah

Her children rise and praise her, her husband lauds her.



Rabot banot asu chayil v'at alit al kulanah

Many women have done worthily, but you surpass them all.



Sheker hachen v'hevel hayofi ishah yir'at Hashem hi tit'halal

Charm is deceptive and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears God shall be praised.



T'nu lah mip'ri yadeiha vihal'luha vash'arim ma'aseha

Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.
 
Have I mentioned that I am really grateful you are through Surgery and all looks well??

-78-34-1

So today was better. Ha I almost feel like I am bi polar. It is weird to feel yourself sliding and then the next day not so much.  That in itself leads to some of the self doubt people with BP seem to have in abundance. You wonder if you over dramatized how you felt the day before. You did not but it is such a swing of moods that it is quite unnerving.
I attended a new Ballet last night. The Royal Winnipeg Ballet compamy is very accomplished and world renown. This was  Moulen Rouge. It was interesting. I think new ballets are tough given that they are up against some that have been around for decades.
I decided to just let my body sleep this morning and did  not get up till 10. A bit shocking but my go wear shows I slept not drowsed so I must have needed it.
I am following OPT remix with no difficulty. The workouts seem too easy but I am simply going to work the  plan as written. The focus is on Nutrition and fat loss and the workout portion is to maintain lbm and encourage fat loss. No point in doing a plan if you refuse to trust it.
The nutrition is very basic and very boring but it is only for another 78 days and certainly I can give myself that. Plus in 34 days I will be off plan for 10 days in Thailand. Dana and I both feel the same way. We will eat clean for our basic meals and the evening meal will be dependant on where we are at.
I also think that there will be lots of opportunity to eat well without being extreme. Drinking of course will require plenty of daytime activity to burn those additional calories.
Hard to believe that soon we will be laying on the beach.
-1. One more sleep for Rachel. Her surgery is tomorrow and she will be home by dinner.
I will be so glad for her to have this behind her. Given that her MRI was clear I expect clear sailing for her from here.

Have I mentioned I f**kin hate Depression...Crashing

Ahh my friend depression, here for a visit.
He's a sneeky SOB. It takes me awhile to realize thats hes back in my life.
Part of that is denial and part is that well, likely I have lived with him so long I do not always realize that normal has become abnormal. Well my new normal has become abnormal.
Confused??? Welcome to living with Bipolar.
Its a disease or affliction and I like to pretend I can control it. I can't but I do get to pretend for periods at a time..
The problem with depression is that its depressing to have to deal with it. No I am not trying to be funny, that statement tells you how blah I am.
So where did it start. Well its always there but certain things keep it at a distance. Nutrition, exercise, engaging with people....my sad lamp.  I am coming to think my SAD lamp is not all that effective.
Or at least is effectiveness is limited.
When I started using it in September I certainly noticed an elevation in mood and my sleep patterns got better. I expect that the big win for me is what it does for sleep.
I have been really struggling to wake at 7. Its been feeling next to impossible and as per usual I have been having that little negative chatter in my head about lazy individuals named Cindi.I am antsy, bored I called it. Its not boredom. Edgy, this I thought was a reaction to a few things going on. No, I have been overreacting to a few things going on because of the depression. A few too many bitch paranoia sessions of late.
Latent fear that upon examination makes no sense.
Hes back and he has been living in my house for a month and I simply refused to acknowledge him.
Things I learned to see today:
When I say I am bored it means I am depressed.
When I am lazy it means I am depressed.
When I am paranoid it means I am depressed.
When I make a million dollar sale and am not excited about it it means I am depressed.
When my business is firing on all cylinders and I am not excited  it means I am depressed.
When I have a new client waiting for an evaluation and I have not done it in 6 days it means I am depressed.
When I have difficulty getting tasks done it means I am depressed.
When I feel like curling up into a ball and crying like a baby it means I realize I am bipolar and this SOB will live in my house whether I like it or not. I am not in control and I never will be.
The fact that I sit here and cry as I write this means I am depressed.
The fact that its October means that I react in the season. Maybe I am not quick cycling.
The fact that I want to say I am tired and do not want to deal with this means I am depressed.
This will pass, so will the feeling that I get why people with depression kill themselves.
Its a life sentence but everyday is not that bad. I need to remember that.
I don't have this. I thought I did, no I hoped I did.
I write this to remind myself that there are days like this and maybe weeks but I am stronger than a disease.
Its like a wave crashing over my head and dragging me down. Ahh yes I am crashing. I get it .
It took me till 2 in the afternoon to get to the gym today. It really did not help. I think I needed to do more.
I must try that. I must remember this is just my brain messing with some chemical reaction. Its not real. I have no reason to feel bad. I have nothing but great things happening. I am going to Thailand.
I have my business and finances under control. I have my weight under control.
Its just a little rip tide and I simply must not panic and slowly swim back to shore and sanity.
I can. Its scary how this feels. Being aware makes it more difficult in the short term but makes life balanced in the long term.
I knew this time of year would be tough. I was right. I just need to find a way to cope with this.
I need to make some serious plans to live somewhere there is sun. I don't think I can manage this here. It may simply be too difficult.
Coping skills for the winter for this year will require a plan. I can do that. I have done 6 months well. I will learn the skills I need. I will be more vigilant. I will find a way. I will.
I will.

2 more sleeps for Rachel and then her Surgery and then she can put the worst of this behind her. Her MRI was clear so its good, all good.
You are an amazing woman my friend. Keep writing, keep strong.

-80-36-3

Yikes 36 days and we will be in Thailand. It seems to be coming very quickly.
So I am in my second week of OPT/remix.
  I had 2 days of back to back reload. Really bizarre to be eating this way.
I chose not to step on the scale for this last 2 days and think I will wait till Friday to see the "reload" result. I know its all about long term but..... Old habits do die hard.
10 days till my next reload and I have  a suspicion that I will realize some hard core results in that time.
I think my body is primed to respond it just needed a program that I would follow to the letter.
Given the fact I am truly at my last 10/15 lbs and that I have increased my LBM I do not see how I cannot.
So 10 days of go hard. I am going to increase my walking again and plan to reincorporate my nightly yoga. 36 days is not a long time to be beach ready.
This whole trip feels very surreal. I guess because its a  bit spur of the moment and I have no pre expectations. What is wierd that its not weird is that this is the first time I will actually be meeting Dana yet I feel like I have known her forever and that does not feel weird...see weird

In relation to my bipolar I have to say getting up at 7 is a chore. Its interesting how the change in season brings this on. I am using my SAD lamp and doing all the things I should but my brain does not like it.
I had a course to attend today and it was a major struggle to get up in time. I had wondered if I was just being a bit lazy but no its a real reaction.
For the most part its not a big deal if I do not get up till 8 but it is interesting to observe the change.

3 more days for Rachel. She had an MRI today, highly stressful I imagine.
I find it hard to be at such a distance from her. I wish I could go and make her a cup of tea and have a good cry.
This is just so hard for her and Gary plus the kids. I think of them all day.
Hug GF.....

-81 -37 -4

Well the scale is moving in the correct direction. So I am on day 9 of OPT/remix.
My first reload. Several things happen on reload. You essentially do a double lifting session and you eat a 20% surplus. The big thing with LP surplus is that you eat fat and focus on Hi GI carbs.
Truthfully it caught me unprepared. I do not keep starchy carbs in the house and certainly not hi GI.
I enjoyed my bagels immensly.
Is so interesting to be on another program and find yourself in that place of trusting the person who wrote the program. A little bit of blind faith. I am not great at it but I am moving through it and giving the program 100%.
Lots of days off on the program as well. I kind of like it. I am doing a max program and it feels like a vacation.
So Rachel sent me an exerpt from the article she is working on. It was great. Emotional but that was to be expected. She writes with a terrific perspective.
So much happens and only the extreme gets spoken. Especially now with reality TV and all the drama that people seem to desire. What some of these people would do with real drama.
MRI tomorrow, I forgot to ask  R if you are claustrphobic. I hope not.
Dana and I have our contest till Nov 1 so Rachel you have a pass till then.
Nov 2 we expect to see your beautiful self bikini clad.
Its an ugly process but you are going to be fine and you will keep that promise to your children.
I wish I could take just a bit of this load from you but its not to be.
4 days till Friday, almost there.
C

-82 -38 -5

Thats 38 days to Thailand in case you are wondering. Well the results for the week are very good scale wise.I am down 5.6 lbs. My scale does seem to jump all over so what the exact number is no matter its going in the correct direction.
Dana has started LP's OPT/remix so we are on the same program which is really great seeing as we are our 1/1 accountability partners Also impossible to lie to one another cause the proof will be in a bikini
in 38 days. We have started a few mini contests so make us fly all the way thru the next few weeks.
Contest one is 5 lbs by Nov 1. So we both have 2 weeks of 100% and a 1000 cal deficit ahead of us.
We send each other weekly bikini and scale shots......ha keepin it real....yikes.
We ran through the plans again last night. I have a full week on the program on her but no matter. Its about our run till Thailand and then the  final weeks till Xmas.
Dana's surgery is the week before xmas so its extremely important she build as much strong muscle as she can. Needless to say her running will not be happening for the first year post surgery and lifting will be a careful process. The good thing is her days will no longer be filled with pain.

So Opt remix is our next 90 days. well 82 for me but no matter.
I like the discipline of the program. It was time for another 90 days of 100% for me. I think its important to be able to get yourself back to that point. Its so much about personal commitment.
Even when you get to your goal weight and maintenance I suspect a 90 day program at full compliance once a year will go a long way to maintaining terrific results.
We work to hard to accomplish this to let less than great become a lifestyle.
There is something to be said about the newness of a program and not being exactly sure what the next day brings.
Tomorrow is a refeed day for me. I quit refeed months ago under a so called "experts" advice.
Funny my weight loss has stalled since then.
So I am happy with my strict guidlines with refeed thrown in every week. The workout are varied and quite interesting. They look unsuspecting on paper but once you see the demos you realize you are in for  something a little challenging.
-5 is for Rachel. 5 days till her surgery and all clear. I will speak of nothing but that. On friday the Dr will come out of the operating room and tell Gary, we got it, she will be fine.
Almost there Rach, breathe and stay strong

-84

Well I missed blogging for a few days but no matter I am still on track.
The scale keeps moving in a downward direction and that makes me happy.
Dana and I were discussing where we were on our weight goals the other day.
Obviously that fact that we are going to be on the beach in less than 40 days kinda brings up the fact we need to get at it.
My weight has fluctuated around the same number for  months now. Certainly I can see some change in my body but truthfully since I quit doing RTP and started Turbo my weight loss has not been great.
So it is time to step to the plate. I still do not put too much creedence in the scale but I am at the starting weight from when I got my go wear. It was exactly 2 months ago and 1 month ago I was 1.4 lbs less so a tune up is required.
I have continued to work out and eat clean but not clean enough to move the weight.
The point of all this rambling is that to lose weight I need a regimented program. I need to write down every calorie and focus on it. The small off plans may not cause me to gain weight but they certainly prevent me from losing.
And then there is the added side affect of eating the wrong foods, well wrong for me.
Sugars and carbs do nothing for me. They heighten my level of anxiety, make it more difficult for my body to try and balance my brain plus they add to the issue of my weight.
Interesting. Interesting that I still consider eating them. It reminds me of smoking. Knowing its harmful but doing it anyway.
I ponder this as I watch Rachel struggle with her health issue. Really I think, how difficult is for me to stay on track when I do not have anything but minor stresses in my life.
We all say we want more, to be more and to live better. Truly its no wonder we struggle to reach these goals when we lack the willpower to not eat candy.
It reminds me of a conversation Rachel and I had when she was on vacation this summer. I said we were like children. Haaa she responded children with crack habits.
Really, I am so deprived in my life that I need to eat ice cream or whatever the heck it is.
I just wonder at all the silly self sabotoging. I have dealt with huge issues and stresses in my  life and know this is the big challenge?
Why do we have such a tendency to manufacture stress into our lives.
I need to ponder that and remove it from  my life.
I have the simplest life one could have, why do I continue to make it complicated.
And finally the important stuff, Rachel.
Her surgey is a week today. Truthfully she will feel better when its done and her life is simply a series of getting through the days till then.
Tonight they tell the children. I know you all feel as I do reading that. There are some things in life you would spare a person if you could. This is certainly one of them.
So keep our dear Rachel in your heart, thoughts and prayers. And if you have children, do something special with them tonight and as you do, recall what you are not facing.
Rach: stay strong GF.
C

-87

Well my body certainly has a strong reaction to this new program. Small changes but I can feel it.
Today was an off day and I am sore enough that I was glad.
As well my body is struggling with all the protein and veg ruffage.
Its been a long time since I have done a nutrition program like this and have forgotten.
I was telling Dana that you really do not feel hungry when you eat that much protein.
So I ate today but less calories and subsequently a little less protein.
Listening to your body is alwways the best.
I had a lovely long email from Rachel.
She really is doing well and staying strong. Her surgery is the 23rd of this month so thats good.
I think the waiting can be the worst. She has had 3 opinions and they all agree. Its early days and they have caught it as quick as it could be.
I have no fear the she will not be fine physically but the toll this takes emotionally is another matter.
She said today she felt reenergised and was weaning herself off the ice-cream. If we share nothing else our drug of choice is Ice cream....
Tomorrow I book my flights. I was able to track one down for the correct dates.
Very excited. Its still fairly surreal. Its not a trip I had ever planned to take and likley that will make it one of the best.
A freind of Dana's who lives in Thailand is joining us as well.  We will be staying with her in Chiangmai for 3 days. I love the fact that she is local.  We will get so much more out of the trip.

So tomorrow is yet another day of differerent trainind and nutrition.
It really is great that there is no way to settle into a rhythym. I suspect its the kick I needed at the moment. I have been much too complacent.
Dana and I both intend to be in a different weight decade by the time we reach Thailand.
Those beaches look amazing, I can hardly wait
compliance
10/10
30/30
100%

-88.....

So here I am 200+ days of training and its amazing how changing a program can have such a great affect.
Really 10 wks of RTP, 10 of Turbo and 8 of muscle and 2 days on Leigh Peeles OPT/remix and I am sore everywhere.
Really I would not have thought it possible.
After all the touting of how hard,superior a certain others program is I am surprised at what her innocent little program is doing to me.
Plus I have been doing Insanity for 4 weeks.
It certainly is good to know that my muscles can be challenged as I beleive this will merit great growth.
Due to the nature of her program it is also impossible to become complacent. There is rhyme and reason I am sure but I know not what.
Whats great about this is I must check my nutrition and  workout daily.  Every day is different and I beleive this will keep me highly focused on what I am doing.
So any fear I had of not getting a great workout and continuing to build LBM is gone and the nutrition demands that you pay attention so success I feel is mine.
I am really looking forward to blasting this fat off.
I just may buy a bikini after all.


Conpliance
10/10
20/20
100%

-89

Well it worked well the first time so I will use the reverse numbering again.
Today was day 1 of full accountability. I even dowloaded the old RTP form and will complete them daily.
Enforced compliance seems to be required and so today I begin just like I did 203 days ago.
Daily I will record my food and activities. plus pictures etc. The good thing with this program is that everyday is different so I cannot get complacent. Like RTP it changes every 4 weeks as well.
Plus I must be bathing suit ready cause....I AM GOING TO THAILAND.
I sold a large property today, one that allows me to book my trip without worry.
I am so excited to see a part of the world
I have never seen and to be seeing it with Dana.
Needless to say this is a great PRW....bathing suits and cameras! I have a lot of work to do in the next 45 days.
I have a great feeling about this program. Given that my LBM has certainly increased from day 1, I am hoping my body simply loves it and starts to drop the fat. I need a whoosh. It will be great to see all the muscle I have worked so hard at developing.
Until tomorrow

Compliance
10/10
100%

90 days plus 12

I decided to begin a new training program today.
I have been enjoying insanity and muscle but really don't feel that I am getting the fat loss I want.
Given that following RTP for 100% did give me what I needed and likely the best fat loss results following a distinct program just makes sense.
So today I begin Leigh Peeles 90 day OPT/remix.
Its a fairly extreme program but I think extreme is called for.
In one of the chapters she suggests this may be the last " fat loss" program needed. I like the sound of that so if 90 days of extreme gets me there I will be very happy.
I will resume using Insanity and muscle/turbo as mixed maintenance training once I am done.
I certainly have been maintaining so that presents no problem.
I suspect to blast the final 10 or so lbs does require a more extreme approach or a ton of patience and time.
I would really like to finish the year out by reaching my goal weight. Plus its time.
The other side is that I am intending on joining Dana in Thailand in just over 6 weeks there is no time like the present to get some of this remaining BF off. Although I will only be 1/2 way through and leigh does not suggest taking a break well, we just won't tell Leigh.
Eating well in Thailand is likely not a problem but I do no see drinks on the menu so well............
This program is designed in such a way as you eat certain types of food to correspond with your training.
There is no way to tweak it and that is a good thing, at least for me.
Plus the timing is great for some major discipline.
I have struggled this last week and know that it is the haze of depression.
As the days get shorter my body reacts. I am using my SAD lamp but that alone is not sufficient.
My sugar cravings have increased and I have indulged them on occasion. This is not a good thing.
Sugar is my biggest enemy I suspect. Its not  the calories but the affect it has on my brain and body.
Interesting this nutrition plan only allows for starchy carbs on reload days so that should help with this sugar business. I think that complex carbs start me down that road.
90 days takes me to Jan 1 so again a great time line. I will just do my best through my vacation and keep on going. I think stopping becomes just that, stopping.
Plus the point of the vacation is to see a different country and spend an amazing time with Dana. Its not about eating. The first days of the vacation will be difficult but I imagine there is a gym at the resort so no reason to not do a quick workout when we are there.
I am off to plan the rest of the nutrition and drop off an offer.
Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Canadians.

Where are YOU at?

Roughly 6 months ago we all started on a journey. I think for most of us the driving force was to lose weight.
We know now that there was much more attached to it but that was where we all began.
The common goal.
The truth was that we all needed to get ourselves back. The weight was a symtom not a cause.
So where are YOU at?
Are you further along? Have you made some progress?
Or are you back where you started?
For me everyday of the last 6 mo has been about more, about push.
Now I have not been pushing so hard as to wear myself down but enough to keep some forward motion.
We all made so much progress in the first 3 months that its hard to mark what happened in the next 3.
Interesting it seems much longer than only another 3. Its a great perspective actually.
I have been feeling like I have not made much progress in that "again" time but that too is perspective and one that is not accurate.
Somehow I expected myself to have a life changing transformation in the 12 weeks that followed.
Maybe not a realistic perception.
The other day Helen and Dana sent me thier 166 days . Remarkable changes in both.
I do not see it in myself yet others do so maybe all I need to worry about is forward motion.
Is it important that I reach a certain goal, one that I set based on hope rather than fact?
Or is it important that I keep reaching until I meet it?
An obvious answer when you step back and look at it.
So where am I at?
I am in forward motion. I do a workout between 4-6 days a week many of those  days I do 2 plus an hour walk.
I eat with awareness daily. Filling my body with nutrients it needs. I indulge with awareness, a few too may times I feel but what was once out of control is no longer so that is forward motion as well.
I wake at a set time and follow a routine. I daily make lists and complete a large portion of them.
I attempt to focus everyday.
Is everyday 100%? No, but some are and I get closer to my goals every day.
Last weekend I went to "art after dark" and posted the pictures.
Yesterday I went back and looked for the pictures that were taken at the last event I went to in March.
Yes, March pre-RTP. I of course did not take them a friend did. I saw them when she posted them in facebook. Fortunately no one realized who they were.
I took a long look at that woman and realized I have come a long way. The other thing I know is that while I have not hit my goal, I will and I also have no fear of going back.

So where ARE you at?
Are you eating with awareness. Nurturing your body to be healthy? Giving it something to sustain itself? Good food, reasonable exercise, as little stress as possible?
How's your emotional health?
Is not blogging working for you?
Its time for a 6 month check up.
I would love to hear from you, here or at everybody matters.

The common goal has not changed. If you think it has that's just an excuse.
I believe we can all maintain our goals and forward motion in a way that is not all consuming. But to do that you must participate.
What I know is that I will reach my goals, all of them. One day at a time.
Forward motion, c'mon.

This ones for Rachel

Sigh....................
I would rather not be writing this but Rachel would rather not be dealing with it either so there you go.
Rachel we love you.
Its odd really how close I feel to her. We've never met and yet the connection is strong.
One that has simply always been there.
We could not be more different in so many ways. Our lifestyles, our heritage, yet none of it matter.
It is all about the core of the person. Plus we share many disfunctions.

Now we share one more thing.
A diagnosis that takes you to your knees.
I know she will be fine. They caught it early, she has great support. A fabulous husband who is a doctor and will make sure nothing but the best will happen.
It will not be easy and the physical manifestations suck but they are survivable.

No, its the scar and the journey that concern me.
The emotional one.

You see, no matter how many or how deeply we care, this is a journey you take by yourself.

If you want to know the true meaning of terror, just let someone tell you that you have cancer.
I would do anything in the world to spare her of this.
I cannot, but the fixer in me struggles.......and cries.
I do not believe this type of thing happens for a reason. I think sometimes bad things happen and we are forced to deal with them.
Platitudes will get her nowhere at the moment.
 Only time.
Forward motion my friend, forward motion.

Doing the Work

This chapter in TSP deals with what it takes to reach your goals. Setting and visualizing your goals is highly important but at some time you need  to roll your sleeves up and do the work.
It is very easy to get into the writing and revising and dreaming but without work you will not get there.
Reaching your goals is going to come at a price and you need to take a good look at what that cost is.
Only you can decide what is right for you and the price you are willing to pay.
Sometimes the price is too high.
I was saying to Rachel the other day that for me I see the absorption it took for that first 90 days and that to sustain that for an unending period is just not worth it for most people.
I sometimes do not like that my progress is slower but I must dedicate my time to other things as well.
So while the price of the first 3 months was worth it to me, it no longer is.
That does not mean I will no attain my goal, it simply means it will be a slower process than I would like.
I think that this is something we all need to look at.
Don't give up on your goal, simply adjust your expectations as to when you will reach it.
It is much better to lose 2-3 lbs a month and take 10 months to lose it than to look back 10 months later and have lost nothing.
Once you start to achieve whatever your particular  goal is the next thing that happens is momentum.
That's the bonus. The momentum kicks in and it suddenly does not take all your will power.
Life is a series of negotiations. Just be sure you negotiate in your favour.

Accountability and Depression

My depression is a funny thing. Not funny in an amusing way, funny in a odd way.
I have been very consistent with my workouts and with my Sad as well.
But lately I have been struggling. Missing a workout here and there and having internal dialogue about it.
Not good.
Because I have been managing so well it seems peculiar to me that depression could be manifesting itself.
I must remind myself that I manage my depression, it is never cured.
The difference seems minor but is not and it is a dangerous conclusion to allow myself.
So I fnd myself in a place of standing back and looking at the fact that the aura of depression is in fact lurking there in the background.
Vigilance is key. Its quite interesting as it is difficult to know if I am feeling a bit lazy or if it something else.
The reality is I must just stay with what I do and force myself through the days. It is only the beginning of the fall and already there it is....sigh
But the good thing is I see it and I have a solution.
Life is not perfect and managing Bipolar without drugs is a bit of a challenge.
The fact we all need to see in our lives is that most people live with some sort of a challenge.
So for me I must simply rise to the occasion.
The enemy lives within and I can deal with that.
I have acquired great skills and even greater friends, ones that will get me through this.
So I will not breeze through the winter months, Ok we know that now so that is a good thing.
There is a big difference between vigilance and crashing.

Forward I go. More aware of some of what has been stopping me from being my best. It has a name and I will fight it everyday.

Forward motion, its all good.

Managing my BiPolar....6 months later.

Today was my monthly session with Lillian. Now that we only meet once a month there is a lot to review. Add to that the changes of the last 6 months and we never are short on discussion material.
There are a lot of factors that have come into play abut we will start with my weight.

When, asked Lillian did you make the switch emotionally, to knowing you had it under control?
Hmmm, I guess about 6-8 weeks ago.

Its interesting as I would not have said that but the minute she asked I had an answer. She could see and hear it. My discussions about  my program have a whole different tone. Gone is the agonizing and all talk is of how, not if.

Its true, I do know I have it.
No, its not coming as quickly as I would like but some of that is me and some of it, is just how it is. The difference is that I accept that. It does not derail me.

I continue to do my workouts and eat clean/fuel my body. I miss some days and eat things I should not on others.
But they are not tied together and I can accept them as they are.
I am comfortable with where I am. That does not mean I have any intention of stopping it simply means the internal war is finally over......sigh.
As much as I have done many programs and done them well this time I bought into it.
What I mean by that, is I am not on a weight loss program any longer.

This is the life plan and I get and embrace that.
There is not a  time that I will be eating for more than fuel and not giving my body what it needs in a workout session.
I own an aging body and I plan to give it every means available to over come that.
What I do affects, what I do and will be able to do.

So this is my lifestyle and I am very happy with it. Not a big struggle at all, in fact its a relief.

The other factor is the use of my SAD lamp and my go wear band.
It is really interesting to see my sleep patterns change and evolve under the use of my lamp.
My quality of sleep has gone from 85% to 96%. A huge difference and one of the  biggest management issues with Bipolar.
Folks with BP do not sleep and that is one of the biggest drugs they give you and why.
So getting my sleep pattern to 96% efficiency is beyond imagining.
We discussed today that in the future I will likely not quit using the SAD over summer months.
It may be fine for people dealing with a different root of depression but maybe not for BP.

March 23 the A8 began their quest.
Its been very successful. I hope that all take a good look at what you have accomplished in the last 6 months.
We have made amazing strides and continue to.
Most importantly we are still a group. Some things have changed but they are supposed to.
Everyone is still here and moving forward. It may not feel like it someday but like Lillian I see it through eyes that know the pain of the past.
Its all good my friends. What an awesome 6 months we have had, so glad we are on this journey together.

Choices and more Insanity

Every day I am amazed at the way  I am able to make choices, well good choices.
The other day I decided I wanted Ice cream so I walked to the store and purchased 1 peice. Previously I would have bought something and brought it home. Regardless of the size and the story I would have told myself, I would have eaten the whole thing.
My afternoon turned into evening today and by the time I got home it was dinner time. I had only had one meal today so lots of "extra" calories if I wanted.
I decided to treat myself to a little bit of pasta.
I weighed out the serving size and in looking at it and the calorie content decided it was too much. Now I waffled with it a bit and then scooped up half and  moved on.
Not so long ago I would have justified that other 1/2.
I like that my goals are my priority because that means I am finally making me the priority. Anything that does not get me closer to my goal, needs to not be there.Period.
I like that I no longer have the big argument about "deserving" going on in my head.
Rachel and I had a giggle the other night about talking to ourselves when shopping. It matters not if people think we are crazy as long as we are talking to ourselves about authenticity. Being true and authentic are all that really matter.
The other choice I make daily is doing insanity. Previously I would have let time contraints be an excuse. Now when I wake I immediatley plan that part of my day before I get out of bed.
Intent, living with intent whether its food, workout or words is without a doubt the most important habit I am incorporating.
So today was the end of week 2 of Insanity.
I really do like the program. Its short and to the point and also forces me to stretch and warm up, 2 things I tend to neglect.
What I find it the further into it you get the more you really get a workout. Form is key in this program and I believe that even if you only walked thru it you  would get in shape.
Everyday I find myself focusing more and more on form and later in the day I am finding myself more and more, sore.
Well I must  go and work some more on my goals. I  had promised myself to have them complete today and have not had the time.
I have also decided that my time frames will all be in 10 week increments. So increments will have a goal to meet, health,financial and personal.
Have a great weekend all.
c

Sugar and more Sugar

I read an interesting article in Harpers UK. One of the editors was talking about her sugar addiction and giving it up.
She was a calorie counter and always would allow calories for her "fix". So she was not overeating calorie wise.
She dropped all sugar for 30 days and was amazed at how different her body looked and felt. Within the month she lost all her "bloat". She said it was amazing how different she looked. Sugar apparantly causes our body to hold water. Plus it is now being said it does more damage to our skin than Sun, Yikes. Number one cause of sagging.
For her the second biggest change was her taste buds. She found sweetness in other foods when her palate was not on overload. Plus no sugar crashes. So mood and the propensity to overeat disappeared.
The other thing of note was where sugar is found. Bread has a high amount.
So cutting out sugar was more than eliminating the obvious.
Certainly something to look at if you find yourself still struggling.
For me it was just one more reminder about nutrition.

Everyday I become more aware of what I am giving my body as fuel.
While there is nothing wrong with eating for simple pleasure I do not know how I expect my body to sustain me if I do not give it what it needs. Not more and not less.
Innocent " healthy "things like cottage cheese and milk can have a high amount of sugar.
More and more I am removing processed foods from my home and diet.
Simple is good.  Why the need for all these elaborate meals? Really no one grew up with that. Elaborate was an occasion. In our greed  to consume we have really over shot a lot of boundries.
As I attempt to balance my brain I find myself creating a balance in my life. Just how much is too much? Why must we always desire more?
The fact is I have plenty and I need to take a good look at where I really need the more.
I am beginning to realize that getting more actually gets me less.
Do I really need to eat out? Another pair of shoes? Can I not make do with what I have? Will something change if I don't buy more?
What are my priorities? Is sugar more important than losing 5 lbs? A new winter coat more important to going to Thailand?
Its time for me to accept that I cannot have it all. The fact is there is always more. But the other side is there are people living with so much less.
As I work thru my goals and define who I want ME to be, my priorties need to be streamlined.
A lot of this stuff is getting in the way of my true goal.
If the action does not support my goal then I do not do it. PERIOD.
I need to remember this.

Becoming ME

Goals, we think them, we list them, we work towards them. All great but the key to attaining and sustaining our goal is to become the goal. Become a million dollars? No but you do need to become a millionaire.
This is part of what is meant by visualization. Now you can not "visualize" yourself into a goal. I do not care how many books are written you have to do the work.
The point of the visualization is that if you do not see yourself there you will not sustain the goal or possibly will sabatoge yourself part way thru.
Ahh yes, light bulb moment.
So the question becomes not what do I want but what do I want to become.
You do you want to become slim, vibrant and healthy?
Do you see yourself as the owner of a busy thiving business?
Do you see yourself as a world traveller?
The fact is, what you want must balance with your perception of You.
I look at this and find for me the answer as to why I am not struggling with my program and what I need to do to take myself to that next level.
I like seeing myself as a Healthy person and I like others to have that perception.
It also answers the why I have struggled with taking my business to the next level.
Fear of failure has kept me from success. I need not only to be the change but to see it as well. In the mirror.
It explains why when we see ourselves as victims be remain there. It is all about what we see.
I have many internal perceptions to deal with. This is the real work.
The good news is I will have no trouble visualising a slim, successful business owner.
Today I want to leave you with 6 words. Six words I hope you can be.

Excited,Enthusiastic,Passionate,Happy,Joyfull, Appreciative