2009

I must say that as I head into New Years eve for the first time in as long as I remember I am in no hurry to leave the year behind.
2009 was a great year for me. It certainly did not start out that way.
It started as one of my most desperate.

Honestly I was at the end of my rope. Tired and exhausted from the cycle of depression that seemed to get deeper every year and my ability to manage my life less and less.
The lesson is that it only takes one thing, 
One thing to start you on the path to good and great and away from despair, no matter how dark and deep.
And that we seldom if ever know what that one thing might be.
The true lesson I guess is on Hope or optimism, that being to hold on tight, no matter how hopeless.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel and its not always a train no matter your prior experience.
I've never been one to give up but I must say that by March of this year I was getting close.
My depression and self loathing were so complete that even my little friend Mania had left the house.
She knew I would not be coming out to play.
Mania is the saving grace in BiPolar. Its she that kept me from tumbling over that final edge.
She may have taken me to a different edge, one that society looks down upon but her edge was much safer than depressions. When you cross depressions edge, you don't come back.
Yes depression still lives here, unfortunately she is like the relation you must simple put up with. My cross to bear so to speak.
The difference is that I am aware of it and the affect. This year will be one of probing for the subconscious beliefs that depression has left me with and and pulling them out into the light.
Every day I am free of it leaves me with deeper clarity and more clarity equals more management.
I truly have got this now. I know there will be days that are more difficult than others but they no longer will be in the majority.
No I am in no hurry to leave 2009 behind. It was a great year.
It was the beginning of living my life in fullness and awareness.
2010 will be an interesting continuation of my journey. One I hope leads me to live on Planet Bi-polar with balance and peace.
I wish for all of you on your own journey to find the same.
cindi