Never Give Up on a Dream

The last month I have allowed myself to get sucked into the swirling fog of depression.
Today I remembered that I have to fight back. This is my life and my dream and if I give up then thats what happens.
The biggest lesson learned is that I must be getting a daily workout and eating properly. I know not the biggest news flash in the world but there we have it.
For 10 months I maintained without problem and then whoosh, down I go.

I can come up with a million reasons why. Lots of excuses. Lots of poor me its not my fault.
But I am not a child and this is not about blame its about living my life happy and well.
Replace why not simply with why.
Done and done.
I feel sluggish and uncomfortable. My sleep last night was 75%. It was so broken up it was ridiculous. All signs of heading into a downward slide.

Likely I missed depression a little bit. Its been my constant companion for a lifetime and its an easy way to live.
All the chocolate you want, sleep all day, no cleaning the house, no need to comb your hair, brush your teeth.
Sounds divine!!

The fact is I feel like a slug, have put on a few lbs that I worked so hard to be rid of, sleeping crappy when I had finally found true sleep and am having manic episodes to cope with it all because I am busy work wise.
Sounds fairly stupid. and yes I know I should not use words like that to address myself but truly its very silly.
I know the depression is tough to manage but I also have to chose to manage it.

Lillian has me immersed on " will I ever be good enough" by Karyl McBride. Its a bit tough but really necessary work for me. It has triggered some of this weeks anxiety but as I moved thru the first days of it I am actually coping better and pulling myself out of this,
Its about healing from being raised or not raised by a narcissistic Mother. There is a website, but you have to pay to join and I am not feeling the need to deal with others on this. Haaaaaa I never learned to share.
Sorry unless you have a N mother that joke may be a bit flat.
The first days of it were ugly but I truly think this is a huge piece of the puzzle for me. I need to see how my thinking is skewed in order to move forward.  This is for me where a lot of the negative chatter springs from.

Anyway, I am back and back at it. Yoga in 20 min so I best get ready.
But do remember, never give up. On yourself because that is the dream. You, whole and happy.

Things I love about being In control..

I laugh as I write this. The thing with BP is how quickly your moods can change.
Was it only 10 days ago I was dragging around? This week has been better and its such a relief to realize that the darkness has passed.
Its so nice to enjoy things!
That is the truly tragic and difficult part of the depression. That no matter how good things are or how fun, you simply do not have the ability to enjoy them.
So what is it I am so enjoying at the moment?  The simple fact that I can.
Today was a normal day by normal standards but for me its uplifting.
The fact that I am waking and rising at an earlier hour and not feeling the effects of it. The fact that I am on top of my business and it shows. The fact that I am dealing in real time, not pushing reality away until the world unravels  yet again.
Certainly the light that we are getting these days is one reason but I also have returned to the gym and yoga and have my eating heading in the right direction.
I will not look backward as to why I slipped I will just focus on making it all a habit.
I am close and every day brings me closer.
Its good, its all good and I am thrilled to know that I can indeed do this, drug free.

Showing up for Myself

In an exchange with Rachel this morning the conversation was on not getting it done.
Not sure why we end up in these places but we do. I hate the endless battle and am taking steps to rid myself of the "and repeat".
So a new month with 30 days in it and plenty of sunshine. The worst of the season is behind me and now is the time. Not that I am using the difficulty of Winter months be my excuse. It may have been a reason to slip but not to fall. No matter its all about what I do today.
So today I began the 30 day Yoga journey. The first thing she has you do is make an affirmation,
Mine is to give myself over to 30 days of self care, actually its about dedicating the next 30 days to relearning this necessary skill, it does not end at the 30.
in Excerpt format

...purpose is to realign my daily activities to intent. Intent to feel my best, look my best and live my best. This will include clean eating, daily Yoga, 5 day a week gym visits, healthy sleeping patterns and healthy personal care. I will use the next 30 days to organize my life into the power I desire.Trim and fit, emotionally stable , comfortable with my physical and financial situation and able to complete all my required daily tasks.

So for me now I must simply focus and do daily what is required. I know this but have let it slip away.
No doubt that not doing adds to the depression. I cannot self manage if I refuse to self manage.
Today was my first session back in the gym and that alone has left me feeling calmer.
My ankle is far from healed but am beginning to train around it. I must be outside and walking at some level. My brain needs the sun.
So I will organize my month and within a week get back to H/H.
Forward Motion, its a good thing.