Day 54

A run all day type of day. New clients to meet and things to do. The difference in how I react to these things in quite amazing. 54 days and I just do. This program does keep me balance. Yes some days are more off than others but the difference is how quickly I am able to pick myself up and move on.
Thought:

Bizarre. I could just not figure why I was struggling with my
business.
I have been switched OFF for such a long time, it is just so
weird
to see the difference. Its like I have to fight people off.
My
point being
that I feel like I can stand back and observe myself and see the
difference.
Good but I feel like I want to video tape myself as a
reminder.

Day 53 part 2

Ok I am perplexed. It would seem upset onsets mania, mania activates fight or flight. And then I crash? Little mania little crash but still.

I was able to push past the email response from this morning, just recieved this email from a client I saw directly after.

And you were on your game today...very funny!

So I come home, do some work, send an email . I seem fine in it to me. Go and do my workout and a little later write the previous post. So what happened?

I have gone from no mania, mainly depression to less depresson moderate mania to this.

Day 53

Received a response. Life is what it is and so are people. I have no wish to waste energy with people.
I had to push my brain to move on, not hang on to it, no internal debates to run through my head. Accomplished that. Good all good. I just cannot afford to let small things like this take up my energy.
My sleep is off a bit these days. Need to take a good look at that. I cannot afford my sleep patterns to fall out of order. I am a little tired but some of that is the emotion of the last days. When I get upset, I believe it flairs the mania and even a bit is tough on my system. I think it activates the fight or flight response...an important observation.
I have not written in the sphere, I just cannot find my voice there. I hope it returns but I am not feeling it. I guess I am not finding these people to be listeners. Takers and talkers...I can't find the point. I felt Jace' blog was aimed at me , not in the, it was all about me but I know he is disappointed in me. I just cannot find it, I feel flat, this is likely not good.
I feel like a deflated balloon. I need to be careful here. I feel myself looking to the edges for my foe Mr depression, I don't feel his presence and maybe I should.

Man I would pay money to know what normal feels like. All this hi and low really sucks.
I feel Ok and am getting through the days fine. Eating on plan,doing my workout. Up to date with clients and not struggleing. Is this normal? God, how do I not even know what normal is? Am I supposed to be sitting here crying?
I realize dealing with Bi polar and living with it are not the same thing. Be careful what you wish for.
Somehow I thought this was going to be easier. i don't think I get that I don't get to be better. I never get to be better, I hate that really I do. It is just so overwhelming to have to fight with yourself every day.
I don't get to lay this down. I have to decide on the quality of my life. I get it, today I get it.
I don't get to be in control. If that is not the irony of it all.
Last nite may have been the release of Lena. I certainly need her gone. But one monster is just replaced by another. I have struggled my whole life,, no fought to be in control. Pushed anyone or thing away that felt like a threat to that and the fact is, my brain is in control. So the demon I fight is within, how friggin profound is that.

From there to Here

So here we are a year and a half later. How am I. Good question. Struggling but making progress.
I have my sleep patterns under control and this is a vital step. I am sleeping,generally without interuption. Good old depression is my constant companion and everyday is a push. Lillian and I work on coping methods and try to get some idea of what and when my symtoms occur.
For me the conclusion is that I am much more depressive than manic. Actually looking back I cannot recall an episode for at least 4 years. That one we have documented. I laugh at that. I had found an email I had sent and Lillian took a look at it. When you know to look it is all so obvious. We review what that trigger was and slog on. Feb of 2008 I seem to be feeling better and take a serious crack at losing some of this weight. I had jumped about 20 lbs on the meds and never managed to lose it. I have some success, take boot camp,enroll and train for a marathon in Vancouver in May. I start to plan my life and consider doing things that take action. I have wallowed in this deep pit for too long and I must find a way up. Excited I discover Bruce Springseen is playing in Vancouver the end of March so I buy a ticket and plan a trip. Looking to the future, believing things will be good, thats the way to go. Everyone is entranced with the secret and embracing the can do attitude. I head to Van and have a great time with my friends both at Whistler and the concert. This was a huge win, a perfect weekend exactly as I wish my life to be.
When I return I blow my ankle out in the last 3 weeks of training and have to pull out of the marathon. I do not as of yet understand how these things affect me but I am about to.

Where does it stop

I am overwhelmed. I am not feeling better. Now I am using a day lamp for sad and if I recall correctly have 10 prescriptions in the medicine cabinet.
Somewhere deep down inside I start to realize this is not the way. In an attempt to do something I go on a popular but crazy diet/cleanse. For 21 days I drink lemon water, I do not lose any weight. 21 days of water, how can that be. Lillian is not happy, stop she says that cannot be right.
I make an appointment with a naturopath hoping for some sort of solution, anything. I am desperate and know something is wrong. The Naturopath makes some suggestions , runs some tests and wants me in her office one a week. Something is wrong, we all now know this. On the list of vitamins and natural supplements is 5 HTP. Hmm I think, I seem to recall that being contraindicated with seroquil. So I go online to check before I buy it. Now I had researched seoquil or thought I had. What I found was a research paper. As I read this paper I sat stunned and then I began to cry. Sob is more like it. All of the cravings the wieght gain all of it right there. The clincher, seroquil had not been tested for Bi polar, they just thought it worked. They are prescibing an anti pshycotic off label. The side effects were a horror show, most of which I was experiencing. Did this Dr not know or not care. Was I not entitled to this information to make an informed decision. Metabolic syndrome at 50, I do not think so.
I read everything I could about withdrawing off the drugs. I took it slow, for about 2 days. I phoned Lillian, told her what I was doing. Alright she said but please be careful and call me at the first sign you need me, day or night. This can be serious. I know but I must. And so my journey began....Drug free

Drugs drugs and more drugs

Now one of the interesting things to come out of this was sleep and my overactive mind. Its been a long running joke with people that know me that I have no off switch.
Actually it is true. One thing common to this is not entering a rem sleep pattern. ( please keep in mind this is my interpretation/explanation of things..my terminology)The basis being never truly shutting down, my mind flits all over the place even in sleep. Add sleep deprivation to the list. The whole thing becomes one big self fulfilling mess. But it sure did explain a lot.
So off I go to a psychiatrist that shall remain nameless. Seroquel was to be the drug of choice. Yes I told you I hate meds but I had decided to be good and for once in my life not question the authority or wisdom of the Doctor. Give it over I thought.
In the first few days I felt great. Sleeping like I never had. A little drowsy but this would pass apparently once they upped the dosage. Hmm, well I thought ...OK. Dr knows best. So once a week for 15 min I visit this Dr and we have a very brief discussion about my life. Brief no going on about things I have a therapist this is just to keep things legal. ( I know it seems so obvious now). I am gaining weight. Hmm he says ,try this and pops into his closet with a handful of free samples and a prescription. I am having trouble waking, hmmm lets up the dosage. I am experiencing cravings, binging..I have never done this...ohh here take this, more free samples out of the closet and another prescription. Now I am crying at the mini sessions. OMG look at the weight I am gaining, hmmm try portion control. Next week , try walking. Take this med, up this dosage. Now I am a fat, depressed zombie, sleeping 12 hours and finding it almost impossible to wake myself enough to deal with clients. Well maybe we need to up the dosage.......maybe

Where to begin.
To expedite things we shall go back 2 years. I was suffering badly with depression. Now I have never been a fan of prescription medicine so I have always approached it with great hesitation.
But after lengthy discussions with my therapist, we decided I would try it. I had gone to New York for my 50Th birthday and things had occurred that I found troublesome. I was too flat. No omph. On my way to my regular session with Lillian I was pondering this. Huh I thought, maybe I am like a certain friend ( who is bi polar) and like her I miss the high. I laughingly tell Lillian this and she stops mid session with a look I cannot discern. Bi-polar she says comes in many forms, many levels. We have just begun to learn this. I was kidding I say, not without some fear of where this seems to be heading. We need to look at this she replies. And so we do.
Now I am fortunate to have found this Psychologist. Beyond fortunate to my mind. She is the most open minded and caring individual I could have hope for.
The critical thing here is to realize that no one goes to the doctor complaining of feeling too good. You only drag yourself in when you are down. This makes bi-polar tough to diagnose. The indicators were obvious once we knew to look but knowing to look is another matter.