Accountability and Depression

My depression is a funny thing. Not funny in an amusing way, funny in a odd way.
I have been very consistent with my workouts and with my Sad as well.
But lately I have been struggling. Missing a workout here and there and having internal dialogue about it.
Not good.
Because I have been managing so well it seems peculiar to me that depression could be manifesting itself.
I must remind myself that I manage my depression, it is never cured.
The difference seems minor but is not and it is a dangerous conclusion to allow myself.
So I fnd myself in a place of standing back and looking at the fact that the aura of depression is in fact lurking there in the background.
Vigilance is key. Its quite interesting as it is difficult to know if I am feeling a bit lazy or if it something else.
The reality is I must just stay with what I do and force myself through the days. It is only the beginning of the fall and already there it is....sigh
But the good thing is I see it and I have a solution.
Life is not perfect and managing Bipolar without drugs is a bit of a challenge.
The fact we all need to see in our lives is that most people live with some sort of a challenge.
So for me I must simply rise to the occasion.
The enemy lives within and I can deal with that.
I have acquired great skills and even greater friends, ones that will get me through this.
So I will not breeze through the winter months, Ok we know that now so that is a good thing.
There is a big difference between vigilance and crashing.

Forward I go. More aware of some of what has been stopping me from being my best. It has a name and I will fight it everyday.

Forward motion, its all good.

Managing my BiPolar....6 months later.

Today was my monthly session with Lillian. Now that we only meet once a month there is a lot to review. Add to that the changes of the last 6 months and we never are short on discussion material.
There are a lot of factors that have come into play abut we will start with my weight.

When, asked Lillian did you make the switch emotionally, to knowing you had it under control?
Hmmm, I guess about 6-8 weeks ago.

Its interesting as I would not have said that but the minute she asked I had an answer. She could see and hear it. My discussions about  my program have a whole different tone. Gone is the agonizing and all talk is of how, not if.

Its true, I do know I have it.
No, its not coming as quickly as I would like but some of that is me and some of it, is just how it is. The difference is that I accept that. It does not derail me.

I continue to do my workouts and eat clean/fuel my body. I miss some days and eat things I should not on others.
But they are not tied together and I can accept them as they are.
I am comfortable with where I am. That does not mean I have any intention of stopping it simply means the internal war is finally over......sigh.
As much as I have done many programs and done them well this time I bought into it.
What I mean by that, is I am not on a weight loss program any longer.

This is the life plan and I get and embrace that.
There is not a  time that I will be eating for more than fuel and not giving my body what it needs in a workout session.
I own an aging body and I plan to give it every means available to over come that.
What I do affects, what I do and will be able to do.

So this is my lifestyle and I am very happy with it. Not a big struggle at all, in fact its a relief.

The other factor is the use of my SAD lamp and my go wear band.
It is really interesting to see my sleep patterns change and evolve under the use of my lamp.
My quality of sleep has gone from 85% to 96%. A huge difference and one of the  biggest management issues with Bipolar.
Folks with BP do not sleep and that is one of the biggest drugs they give you and why.
So getting my sleep pattern to 96% efficiency is beyond imagining.
We discussed today that in the future I will likely not quit using the SAD over summer months.
It may be fine for people dealing with a different root of depression but maybe not for BP.

March 23 the A8 began their quest.
Its been very successful. I hope that all take a good look at what you have accomplished in the last 6 months.
We have made amazing strides and continue to.
Most importantly we are still a group. Some things have changed but they are supposed to.
Everyone is still here and moving forward. It may not feel like it someday but like Lillian I see it through eyes that know the pain of the past.
Its all good my friends. What an awesome 6 months we have had, so glad we are on this journey together.

Choices and more Insanity

Every day I am amazed at the way  I am able to make choices, well good choices.
The other day I decided I wanted Ice cream so I walked to the store and purchased 1 peice. Previously I would have bought something and brought it home. Regardless of the size and the story I would have told myself, I would have eaten the whole thing.
My afternoon turned into evening today and by the time I got home it was dinner time. I had only had one meal today so lots of "extra" calories if I wanted.
I decided to treat myself to a little bit of pasta.
I weighed out the serving size and in looking at it and the calorie content decided it was too much. Now I waffled with it a bit and then scooped up half and  moved on.
Not so long ago I would have justified that other 1/2.
I like that my goals are my priority because that means I am finally making me the priority. Anything that does not get me closer to my goal, needs to not be there.Period.
I like that I no longer have the big argument about "deserving" going on in my head.
Rachel and I had a giggle the other night about talking to ourselves when shopping. It matters not if people think we are crazy as long as we are talking to ourselves about authenticity. Being true and authentic are all that really matter.
The other choice I make daily is doing insanity. Previously I would have let time contraints be an excuse. Now when I wake I immediatley plan that part of my day before I get out of bed.
Intent, living with intent whether its food, workout or words is without a doubt the most important habit I am incorporating.
So today was the end of week 2 of Insanity.
I really do like the program. Its short and to the point and also forces me to stretch and warm up, 2 things I tend to neglect.
What I find it the further into it you get the more you really get a workout. Form is key in this program and I believe that even if you only walked thru it you  would get in shape.
Everyday I find myself focusing more and more on form and later in the day I am finding myself more and more, sore.
Well I must  go and work some more on my goals. I  had promised myself to have them complete today and have not had the time.
I have also decided that my time frames will all be in 10 week increments. So increments will have a goal to meet, health,financial and personal.
Have a great weekend all.
c

Sugar and more Sugar

I read an interesting article in Harpers UK. One of the editors was talking about her sugar addiction and giving it up.
She was a calorie counter and always would allow calories for her "fix". So she was not overeating calorie wise.
She dropped all sugar for 30 days and was amazed at how different her body looked and felt. Within the month she lost all her "bloat". She said it was amazing how different she looked. Sugar apparantly causes our body to hold water. Plus it is now being said it does more damage to our skin than Sun, Yikes. Number one cause of sagging.
For her the second biggest change was her taste buds. She found sweetness in other foods when her palate was not on overload. Plus no sugar crashes. So mood and the propensity to overeat disappeared.
The other thing of note was where sugar is found. Bread has a high amount.
So cutting out sugar was more than eliminating the obvious.
Certainly something to look at if you find yourself still struggling.
For me it was just one more reminder about nutrition.

Everyday I become more aware of what I am giving my body as fuel.
While there is nothing wrong with eating for simple pleasure I do not know how I expect my body to sustain me if I do not give it what it needs. Not more and not less.
Innocent " healthy "things like cottage cheese and milk can have a high amount of sugar.
More and more I am removing processed foods from my home and diet.
Simple is good.  Why the need for all these elaborate meals? Really no one grew up with that. Elaborate was an occasion. In our greed  to consume we have really over shot a lot of boundries.
As I attempt to balance my brain I find myself creating a balance in my life. Just how much is too much? Why must we always desire more?
The fact is I have plenty and I need to take a good look at where I really need the more.
I am beginning to realize that getting more actually gets me less.
Do I really need to eat out? Another pair of shoes? Can I not make do with what I have? Will something change if I don't buy more?
What are my priorities? Is sugar more important than losing 5 lbs? A new winter coat more important to going to Thailand?
Its time for me to accept that I cannot have it all. The fact is there is always more. But the other side is there are people living with so much less.
As I work thru my goals and define who I want ME to be, my priorties need to be streamlined.
A lot of this stuff is getting in the way of my true goal.
If the action does not support my goal then I do not do it. PERIOD.
I need to remember this.

Becoming ME

Goals, we think them, we list them, we work towards them. All great but the key to attaining and sustaining our goal is to become the goal. Become a million dollars? No but you do need to become a millionaire.
This is part of what is meant by visualization. Now you can not "visualize" yourself into a goal. I do not care how many books are written you have to do the work.
The point of the visualization is that if you do not see yourself there you will not sustain the goal or possibly will sabatoge yourself part way thru.
Ahh yes, light bulb moment.
So the question becomes not what do I want but what do I want to become.
You do you want to become slim, vibrant and healthy?
Do you see yourself as the owner of a busy thiving business?
Do you see yourself as a world traveller?
The fact is, what you want must balance with your perception of You.
I look at this and find for me the answer as to why I am not struggling with my program and what I need to do to take myself to that next level.
I like seeing myself as a Healthy person and I like others to have that perception.
It also answers the why I have struggled with taking my business to the next level.
Fear of failure has kept me from success. I need not only to be the change but to see it as well. In the mirror.
It explains why when we see ourselves as victims be remain there. It is all about what we see.
I have many internal perceptions to deal with. This is the real work.
The good news is I will have no trouble visualising a slim, successful business owner.
Today I want to leave you with 6 words. Six words I hope you can be.

Excited,Enthusiastic,Passionate,Happy,Joyfull, Appreciative

What does it really take?

To burn 2500 calories in a day ? Well today I walked my usual 5 blocks to and from Starbucks.
Did Insanity. Went out and showed a house. Went to the gym and did muscle. Went for an hour walk. Walked to the store.....and just maybe I will hit 2500 today.
My goal has been to do over 2000 and I had hoped to do 2500 daily. It certainly takes a lot of extra activity.
The one thing I wonder is the weight lifting. We have been told it burns a lot of calories but I must say my go wear does not seem to think so. I understand I want to build LBM but I no longer believe the theory of how much it burns.
Why does any of this matter?
It simply explains to me why it is so difficult to get enough of a deficit to burn BF.
Dana and I were discussing how we both have remained in our current weight decade for far too long.
In the last 12 weeks I have barely eaked off a few lbs. Its interesting how our bodies are all so different.
Helen lost 7 lbs doing M and no cardio. I did Turbo with tons of cardio and now Muscle with cardio and my weight bounces up and down. My eating is clean at least 90% so you would think I would see it but alas no.
Today is day 2 of 100% no fooling around. I desperatly need to lose this BF, enough already.

So today I found wheat grass juice at the Organic Market. Jon Gabrial speaks so highly of the healing principles of this I just did not see why I would not incorporate it into my diet.
The best way to buy it is frozen in cubes. It must be drank fresh ( within 5min) so I will just throw a cube in my morning PS.
Still working on my Goal. Hope to finish this week.
I am definately more organized and accomplishing more every day. Its just about staying with it.
Hope your week is great.

Insanity....Bananas and chunking it down

Lists, lists and more lists.....
As I work my way through TSP and direct my focus on Goal awareness it amazes me at the lists. I carry some of them in my head but the writing down of and breaking them into actions certaainly changes the perspsective.
One of my goals is to create balance in my life. Well truthfully all of my goals lead me there. It is the true purpose of all I seek.
My Bipolar brain whirls around and around and creating balance is the best thing I can do for myself.
This is always the challenge. The more structure the better but given the nature of my brain and the way it fires it attempts to reject this.
So forcing discipline upon myself till it becomes a habit in a necessity.
So today began with the usual challenge of not allowing distractions. Sorry Jace.
Not that Jace himself is a distraction but its much more pleasant to chat than do Insanity so I had to suck it up and move on.
So week 2 of Insanity. Did Ply this morning. I find with this program I increase my intensity daily. I was uncertain in the beginning and took it a bit easier.
I am happy to report I was soaked to the skin by the end today so I am truly getting the hang of it.
One of the things I did this weekend was break my nutrition down again.
I have not changed anything but wanted to be sure I was "remembering" the amounts correctly.
When checking on the cal/carb of bananas I read the nutritional info. Wow, bananas are power fruit. I did not realize they fulfill your amino acids for the day. Very cool. I have tested low for these and adding a banana into my PS is very simple and satisfying.
I am really focusing on the nutrients in my food as opposed to simply the c/f/p concentrate.
Jon Gabriel speaks of how people can be overeating yet their bodies are starving and crying out for more. Calories without nutrition hold no value for our bodies. They may offer emotional comfort but nothing else.

Off to follow my H2H and take steps to creating what I want my life to be.

10 weeks.....and again

Well the number of weeks does not really matter and nothing has changed program wise so its just that I am looking to a goal Date of Nov 28.
This goal has to do with fitness and business. The fact is its all one mission but this is just me chunking it down.
So I am off on a 10 week run, Just a little tighter and push a little harder.
With every week that passes we learn more about our strengths and weakness'. I believe I have a pretty good handle of my routine and am comfortable with my nutrition and work out plan.
So 10 weeks of a very strict H2H. True 100% accounting. I took a 3 day break this weekend and recharged. So no reason my body and mind are not ready for this.
If you are up for a bit of a mission run do jump in.
I am going old school. 10/10 posting/pic etc.
10 weeks at 100%. I have done it before so I CAN do it again.
Nice time to prep for the Holiday season..kids..do come along

Be the Change

Dana wrote that some time ago, well she quoted Mahat Magandi but regardless the thought has stayed with me.
I contemplated many things this morning. I did not read a new chapter in TSP, I have much to think on.
Last night I went out to a see a new Art Installation. It was at one one of the more avante garde galleries and generally draws an eclectric crowd.
The installation while einteresting was far from thought provoking and the crowd, well I suspect they came for the free crackers.
My goal this year is to get out every weekend at least one evening. Get dressed and go. Something other than clients and real estate.
I have been speaking of moving for the last 5 years and as I drove home 30 minutes after I had left I realized I truly must.
So those were the thoughts I woke to this morning and carried me into my office for my SAD and reading session. This morning I started my gratitude journal, the one I have owned for over a year and read through the "Key" to living the laws of attraction.
I realized last night and today that the thing that is holding me back is me.

Be the change.

In my gratitude journal I wrote that I am grateful for Dana's friendship and that I am healthy enough to change my body physically.

As I read thru the key I was reminded of all the things I must do to be the change.
My attitude has sucked for the last 2 days and I really have been looking at why.
I really need to leave Winnipeg and I looked at the reasons that have held me back.

Be the change

Ok, I get it.
There have been 2 major things that have hindered my moving forward. Likely excuses in some way but certainly obstacles and now that they are removed I must go on. Going back is not an option.
There are now a few things I must do to clear the way for me to go. I know what they are, I know how to deal with them and I will do it.
I have done a vision board in the past. I have a lovely electronic one that works on my computer.
What I wanted has not changed but my belief that I can has.
I realized this morning that I beleived it was too late and I could not. No matter how many positive visions you put in front of you, if you do not beleive then its not going to happen.
Its not too late and I am not too old.
I can do this and I will.
I know what my biggest obstacles are and I know how to deal with them.
So as I continue to read TSP over the next few months I will also be adding my gratitude journal and keeping focus on the Laws of attraction. TSP is based on all of these things so its just another step in the process. Many things are clearer today. I am sure fear lingers in the background but I have no time,

Be the change

Thanks Dana, I will.

Lists

Todays chapter was about Goal setting. Nothing new for most of us.
We get the basics of setting goals we understand about visualization.
The problem is truly about sticking with it. Buying into more.
Interesting how we struggle to buy into more but have none with accepting less.
If someone told you that all you could have is less would you agree? Likely not, yet when it comes down to doing the work on having and being more we stop ourselves.
It is us that stops the process. No one is yelling at you to quit visulizing or dreaming.
So we choose and the choices we make end up being our lives.
I get this when I make choices about my health and weight. I understand that I must chose to workout and eat clean.
Now I just need to take those choices into other areas of my life.
Empowerment not fear. Sounds like a choice.

And what about lists?  Well to set our goals we must make lists. And today we started listography.
I think we love lists, we just don't like doing the work them.
I am excited to see where our life in lists takes us. There are many interesting lists to come and some personal revolations with them I suspect.

Believing in the positive

More TSP:
We have heard it dozens of times, whether you believe you will or believe you won't you will be right either way.
Why do we so easily buy into we can't? And why do we listen so readily to those dream stealers who reinforce this thought. Are we lazy?
I realize at times we are uninformed but what about when the truth of potential success is right in front of us. Why when we know we can do we say or embrace I can't?
Lets take weight loss and fitness.
Everyone reading this has experience a modicom of success with this in the last 3-5 months. Yes maybe you wavered or for some got a really slow start, but you do know its possible.
None of the success that you or others had was not real. We watched people transform consistently day after day. So why the struggle?
I know the answers that are full of excuses but truly why the struggle?
This is not, nor has ever been about losing weight. It has always been about regaining some peace with who you are.
I also do not believe the its too difficult, I am too busy either.
Oh I know you are busy and life is very hectic but I also know something else.
Your thoughts are full of negativity all day long. Every day you do not work out. Every time you eat what you know you should not. Does that not take a whole lot more energy than getting in some sort of workout and making an effort with your eating?
Plus 15-20 of exercise gives you more energy for the day and eating nutritious food, well we are not even going to discuss that.

So we know the truth. Eating well and getting some form of exercise makes us more energetic, happier, not to mention look better.
The fact is if you are still not getting the basic right , you are not going to get the big stuff right either.
What about the dream, the vision.. The better life?
 Have you really decided that everyone else gets to decide how you live?
And have they said they want to decide. Or is it convenient to say.

So what if you wake up in the morning expecting Positive results from all you do?
From yourself and others....hmm you know the answer to that because you have lived it.

You manage it. You fit it in. You tell them they cannot steal your dream.
I leave you tonight with 2 things.
Do check forum over the weekend. I am starting a topic I think you will all have some fun with and we may all make some interesting discoveries about ourselves.
The last is this: Here is a question I want you to pose to everyone you engage in conversation.

What are you up to? What are you excited about these days?

Oh, and I would love to hear your own answers.

GIving up I can't

I bought TSP back in 2005 I suspect. I have read it and done some of the exercises but not chapter by chapter. 60 days of commitment. As I read my chapter this morning I looked over and realized that sitting on my desk was the "daily gratitude journal" and "key to living the Law of attraction".
Jack Canfield was a contributor to "The secret" as well.
I even bought the Vision board for my computer. It was running but really need to see whats up with that.
The point is I have at hand so many of the tools, simply waiting for me to use them.
Really, that is the statement about our lives is it not?

The phrase I can't is the most powerful force of negation in the human psyche,
Paul Scheele

It seems to me we possess so many self limiting behaviors and we possess them simply out of habit.
We really must begin to listen to our "self-chatter".
We have learned to listen to our bodies and judge "real hunger" and I believe its time we learned to hear "real truths"
How much of our lives do we waste with this type of attitude and it is all about the attitude at the end of the day.
The question remains, are you ready?
Every time we touch on this we  end up back on Fear.
Consider that when things are going well, it seems like good things just pop out of the woodwork.
Attitude,law of attraction,secrets to success.
Its all the same thing. Whatever we tell our brain that is our reality.
I like the place of no fear. The one with success around every corner.
I seem to be there right now and know that nothing is any different except my attitude.
I believe I can and am too busy doing to make time for fear or I can't.
I wish I could take a snapshot of this attitude or feeling.
Well maybe I can. I can always fill in my journals. I do have a mood journal, just never been in the mood to fill it in.
ha
I imagine completing my gratitude journal daily and the LOA key may give me that snapshot.
I get that this is about choice. Choosing to do the tasks, make the time for my life to be better.
Really is your life to busy? Too busy to be better.
Do not waste another day of your life believing in "I can't". You can, you have and you must.
We all deserve to live our best life. You know how to do it. Deep breath and jump.
Lots of support here, no one is alone, no one is going to let you fall.
We are so very fortunate that we have that support. Use it, thats what its here for.

WOW!!!

I am so pumped. I feel like I did at about week 5 of RTP.
I am not sure exactly what is causing this but there are 3 or 4 possibilities.
Its only day 2 but using the SAD lamp may just lift me that much.  My depression is always a problem because I often do not see it lingering there. The other thing may be the insanity workouts. I start out thinking OMG I really do not want to this and when I am done I feel, see you can do that! I will get to the other possible reasons in minute.
Today was a crazy day. Client flying in that needs a house this week, not so simple in this market. Client called late last night, Mother in law saw a house and we needed to be there this morning, early.
 And I had 2 workouts scheduled, Insanity and muscle.
I got up an hour and a half early and worked the day as planned. Picture,weight,SAD, 1 Chapter of TSP and Insanity. When I returned from showing the house and writing an offer I had a quick lunch and off to the Gym to do Muscle.
I had 2 hours and managed to use every minute of them wisely. I did not blog or respond to any email that were not urgent business. Hmmm, time management, imagine that?
It feels so great to no longer be skating. For too long I feel I have let the "rules" slide a bit too much.
We said compliance on our own terms but I suspect for many of us that is too loose. There is a reason we did well on RTP and we will do well to remember that.
I chose to not make excuses today. It felt just like 100% used to and I must say I missed that.
There is something to be said to pushing your limits just because you can.
This mornings chapter of TSP was about being clear about why you are here.
Your life purpose and pursuing it with passion and enthusiasm.
Sounds nice doesn't it?
What I love most about this chapter is that the answer to the question about working at something you love.  I do that. I love my job and would not trade it for anything (well tons of money but).
It is so great for me to look at my life and consider what I love.
I lived in that dark place for a very long time and all the good in your life gets fogotten there.
Consider this about your life purpose

Everything you do should be an expression of your purpose. If an activity that does not fit that formula do not work it. Period

Consider that, if its not on plan just do not do it. Period. Wow, think how much emotional energy one would save by adopting that principle.
Stop settling for less than you want.

Not being clear about what you want and making other peoples needs and desires more important than your own is simply a habit.

This zing I feel carries into everything I do. I am happy and enthusiastic with client. And silly fear can find no room to roost.
As to the other possible reasons well  I started RTP at the end of March. I dropped the largest amount of weight in the first 3.5 months. In the last 2 the scale has not moved of any measureable amount and neither have the inches. At no time in these last 5 months has any one commented.
In the last week everywhere I go people that know me stop and comment. Some are not sure what it is they see. Tonight a neighbor commented as I got off the elevator. She was a bit tongue tied. Wow she said you look great, Oh dressed for work I said. No she says well it must be your hair its incredible. Haaa I have not changed my hair is 5 months.
The fact is its many things but mostly I feel incredible. Yes I still have work to do but that is some work and I no longer feel like the blob from hell and die of embarrassment whenever I meet people.
That is worth getting up an hour early for. Well actually , I am worth getting up an hour early for.

What are you d0 doing for the next 60 days?

It is always interesting how things often come together. You don't see it and then you do.
One of the things I must do is use my SAD lamp. Now this does not sound difficult and yet I know I tend to make it so. Why would I procrastinate from doing something so easy and so helpful to my well-being?
I guess for the same reason we choose to quit doing our workouts and eating non-nutrional food.
Yesterday on my morning trek to Starbucks I was thinking about my H2H and my SAD lamp.
My plan was to use my lamp as soon as I returned with my morning coffee. I could do it while reviewing my email etc.  Hmm I thought, maybe not. I spend too much time on the computer doing mindless stuff.
I have a book called The Success Principals, that like many I own that has never been fully read or acted upon. It has been given my usual rapt attention for a few hours, some overall application and then sits on the shelf. I have picked it up time and again and truly like what it has to say.
My decision was to spend my 20 min reading.
This morning, after a few minutes procrastination I began.
The minute I began to read I recalled why I loved this book and knew immediately why I needed to read it now.
Principle 1: Take 100% responsibility for your life. Ahh yes.
Yesterday I spoke about being 100% compliant to my program. So what about being 100% responsible for my life?

The Book has 60 Principles or Chapters. I can tell you what I will be doing every morning from now till
November 5th. I will read all 60 chapters.
It is interesting how much of a commitment that seems and how I bristle at it. Not because I do not wish to but because it becomes second nature to not be fully responsible for our actions.
Here is some truth. Lately I have felt  a pull to be less than 100% compliant. Why?
Well the real answer is lack of responsiblilty for myself and my actions.
What I have been telling myself however is that the group is not responding. I am listening daily to all the reasons why everyone cannot or does not. Or if it is not spoken it is in actions. Not blogging, not attending to forum, not eating properly, not working out.  Its started to wear off.
I spoke with Caro last night briefly  and one of the things we spoke of was a few of the blogs I had read about people gaining all their weight back since the contest. Wow we both said, that cannot feel good.
I pondered that last night and realized there is no way I am doing that to myself.
Principle one reinforced for me this morning that we tend to take responsibilty for our own actions and love to blame external forces. The group is falling down so I must, the economy, my job etc etc.

You have to give up all your excuses!

We spend way to much time thinking self limiting thoughts and engaging in self defeating behavior.

99% of all failures come from people that have a habit of making excuses.

I really took a good look at my life after reading Chapter 1.

I am in a great place. Why would I do or not do all I can to remain here and continue on an upward motion? Its a great question and the answer can only be that I choose what I want my life to me. ME.

We only control 3 things in our lives. Our thoughts, visualizations and actions.

Today I decided I do want to be in control, control of the quality of my life.

So I leave you with a question. What do you want your life to be and do you plan to do it with intent?

E+R=O

(event + response=outcome)

Where are you going to be on November 5? What goals will you have reached?

Its all up to you and you even have a group of supportive people if you choose.

My next 60 days goal and committment in forum.

Forward Motion and Accountabilty

What direction are you moving?
If its not forward you need to ask yourself why.
I hear conversations about being a community and support but are you walking the talk?
Accountability begins with us. You must decide to be 100% accountable to yourself and you will once again begin to move forward.
Everything else is just an excuse. You do not need a community to make you eat properly or get to the gym.  You need to get your head on.
It can be challenging but thats life. It was challenging when you began but you managed fabulous movement.
This week for me was spent revising and reviewing. What's working, what I am doing and whether I am giving it 100%?  Me not the community.
No matter what you want to call it, goal, PRW, it must be a constant. Something that greets you every morning and gets you thru the day.
We truly have all the tools we need. The choice it would seem is whether we use them.
I have been marking a few blogs to follow and yesterday slipped back into the SS to see where a few people were at.
Truly I am amazed. Untouched blogs and reports of fairly substantial weight gains.
I would have thought that most that made the first 90 and then continued would be willing to sustain the work.
For me, I worked too hard to throw all those months and wins away.
My original goal was simply to lose some of the weight and feel better. I have done that.
But I know just what I am capable of now and that is my PRW, me and what I am worth.
I am worth 100%. What I see now is that giving 100% over the next 7 weeks will get me to a place that I will be very comfortable with. Once I have reached that goal I will move onto the next level. Whether that will be maintenance or something more I am not sure. What it will not be is giving up on myself and moving backwards.
So, what are you worth? How do you feel about where you are at? Why have you really made the choices you have?
Why have you decided to give yourself less that 100%.
If you are interested my 100% pledge and goals are in forum.

9/11 and the list

No matter how many years pass, the impact of 9/11 is something that will never leave me.
The bravery that was exhibited that day says more about the human spirit than anything else can.

The list:
This week I am attempting to clear up all of small issues that cause emotional upheaval.
The other thing I need to do is the "list".
Where now? What are my goals? What do I want and need in my life and how am I going to get there?
Work goals, financial goals, fitness goals, travel goals....life goals.
The next month, 6 months and year.
The great thing is its great to look forward and know its all a possibility.
Have a great weekend and come back strong.

Intent

Jace and I were in conversation yesterday. More conversation of what it takes to keep moving.
Goals, yes we know that. But what about daily living. Really this is the big piece.
I think we all know what to do, or how to follow a plan but overcoming the obstacles that interfere with it is another matter.
I am not struggling. Yes I know but thats how it is.

So I have been looking at that and wondering why.

I have great focus but I do believe its the fact that I am managing to live this with intent.
Awareness is another way of looking at it.
Why intent?  Well I believe before that was the problem.
I would have a program and work the program but I had not incorporated all it would take into my thinking.
This also revolved around my relationship with food. I had a really disfunctional relationship with it.
More black and white thinking.
I saw food and eating it, as bad. I never ate one thing without having a negative thought about it. Food was the enemy. Needless to say that disfunction would break down into overeating.
So I never allowed myself to simply eat or fuel.

This of course just added to the yo-yo effect of my weight and eating.
When I started following RTP I had immediate success and it confirmed for me what I had always felt.
Normal food portions were too much for me. I am not a normal size person so it makes sense but way too much advise of what a portion is, very one size fits all. So I would follow these plans to the letter and end up gaining weight. Great reinforcement for my battle with food.

As my success grew with RTP so did my relationship with food. I now allowed myself to eat. No battle of wills over right or wrong.
Just fuel.
I was very strict with myself for those first 90 days.
For me that was a great learning curve. I got it. I realized I need to fuel my body and indulge occasionally and I learned what indulged meant.

In the weeks that followed I loosened or changed the way I was eating. I feel that was an error.
Now I have gone back to accounting exactly what I am eating, weighing and measureing and being sure.
I become more aware daily of the nutrition I am giving myself. Fuel, good fuel.
It is bizarre the disconnect between brain and body. Its like we think we can treat ourselves one way and our bodies will simply continue to perform. Well if we are lucky they will.
But I am chosing to look for peak performance.
Maybe its that I am enough older than the rest of you to realize or hear that tick tick tick. What I do now affects the quality of my life soon, very soon.
So how does this relate to living it daily and making the meld between real life and being on a program?
Intent.  I eat off program and will continue to. I will not restrict myself that much and say no to a drink or dinner out.
The difference is I now do it with intent. Leigh Peele says go ahead and cheat but weigh it and count it...ouch.
So eat the chocolate bar or cereal. But first look at the label and be aware of what you are doing. Look, acknowledge and if its worth it then eat it. With intent.
What will this do. I think it will prevent extreme overeating. I suspect that at times you will reconsider that indulgence. I also believe that if you chose to eat it you will stop there. And that is the most important part of it. Stopping.
We have all experienced this. We cheat, go off the deep end and then.....we continue. We feel bad because we engaged in mindless eating so we beat ourselves up and continue on to do more damage both physically and emotionally.
Now when I eat or drimk with intent there is no dive off the hi board. there is a beginning and an end.

9/9/9

Hey Jace these are for you. Was using my camera for the vid so just snippet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Ax6YD-2Rzs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4Q_His4lBM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvCBf7ygp2s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wt0ehxm71a4

So tonight one of the local radio stations hosted a renactment of the Beatles last performance on the Roof top. It was a Beatles tribute band. Folks lined the streets. This area is referred to as "the village" and is where I dwell.

Goals...Focus.....how do you find it....We need REdux

Have you read the post about 3 signs of trouble with your transformation?

It is so good I think we should all have it hanging somewhere we can look at it regularily.

At the centre of it is having a goal. AJ refers to this as your PRW, no matter you must be persuing something.
I find myself in an odd spot with the herd these days.
My sense of direction is strong and sure. I feel very alone.....
I am a fixer. Its not that I want to interfere, its that I cannot stand to see people I care about in pain of any sort.
What I am seeing is a lot of overwhelm amongst most of the team.

So I begin to question. What has caused this?
Were we all so immersed in the the first 90 days of RTP and reveling in success that we were simply able to push away these other problems?

It was fairly all consuming and very heady to finally find relief. That relief for me came in finally losing the weight and regaining a sense of self. But most of it came from the connections we made. It was grounding to be part of a group.
I do not have the same responsibilites as the rest of you so my life stays as it is. It would seem for many, real life has once again stepped in.

So what now? None of you are ready to throw in the towel so how do you find a new goal and focus?
One that works in Real life, Real time!


I think some of the overwhelm comes from not being able to continue. To keep the focus on accomplishing your fitness and health goals.
When you did your 90 days you did it on your own, with the focus on you. Commonly the cry was It's time for me.


I think the time has come to find a way to make this work. In real time.
Below are links to Jack Canfields the Success principles.
Great PDF's for goal setting and chunking it down.
I think we need to look at this from the position we are in now. We have come a long way and we have done it together.
So now the need is to revise what you know you must do, with how it must fit in with your real life. We are out here alone, with just the 10 of us.
How do we make this work? We have graduated from the SS, now we need to support each other into the real world.
Revisit, revise, revisualize.

We will not be the group that gets eaten by the giant donut of guilt.
Shredder code still applies.
I want to hear from you!







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The key is becoming more comfortable with continual change and less comfortable with staying the same.

3 Signs of Transformation Trouble Ahead

I received this From Meri tonight. Not sure where it is from but thought is was will worth posting. A timely reminder:


Transformation is a continual path of rich and rewarding personal growth that leads to greater physical health, mental clarity, emotional balance and spiritual well-being. Or at least it has the potential to be. The key is to keep on doing what's working and to steer clear of common obstacles and roadblocks in the process.

Knowing which pitfalls to be on the lookout for can save you a whole lot of time and trouble; it can also help you prevent a slip, a slide or a complete relapse back into your "before" condition. With that in mind, let me tell you about three of the most common signs that there's transformation trouble ahead.

You've Found a New Comfort Zone
The motivation to transform is high when you're hanging on by a thread. For example, a drowning man makes all kinds of promises to God that he will right his ways and change his life. But once his feet are firmly back on the ground, his motivation to do the work necessary to change instantly becomes very low. He is comfortable again.
All too often this happens in the transformation process. When someone has a personal health scare or reaches a moral rock bottom, their willingness to commit themselves to the transformation process is high. Their compliance is strong. They're excellent students and they get great results. Their results can be so good, in fact, that their motivation to keep on growing all but dissolves. And they find a new comfort zone, which leads to transformation trouble.
It's imperative we understand that every comfort zone becomes a "comfort trap" eventually. Any place that we can hide out and indulge in excessive amounts of so-called pleasure will become dangerous as it fosters apathy addiction, as well as removes us from the natural flow of evolutionary pressure. The key is becoming more comfortable with continual change and less comfortable with staying the same. And that is so important in our transformation process. But, unfortunately, it's something that we can easily overlook.
To keep moving forward, what I teach is to continually accept new challenges and invite positive pressure into your life. This works most every time. Challenges like transforming your life's greatest adversity from tragedy to triumph, to overcome an addiction, or even train for and complete a marathon can really keep us on our toes mentally and emotionally. Embracing challenges keeps us in the dynamic flow of life, and it also keeps us from getting stuck or resisting the Divine Will. It also helps us to become more comfortable and excited about life while we're in the process of change.
What challenge have you embraced in your life that is giving you positive pressure to move forward today? If something specific doesn't come to mind right away, you may very well be headed for transformation trouble. You can course correct now by accepting a challenge which invokes the power of positive pressure and keeps you from settling into a new comfort zone.

You Have No Specific, Inspiring Goals
When we set specific and inspiring goals with a timeline and deadline, we discover that this immediately focuses our energy and improves our clarity. And, in turn, this increases our motivation and propels us into action, doing the work that needs to be done to arrive at our predetermined destination.
The ability to set meaningful, energizing goals is something that we should all learn by the sixth grade. Unfortunately, the vast majority of people never become proficient at this essential skill for making your life work; and as a result, far too many folks never get the opportunity to discover even a fraction of their true potential. Like boats without a rudder, people with no specific and inspiring goals drift through life.
Meaningful and inspiring goals give our lives direction. And since we can follow so many different routes in life today, selecting a goal is literally among the most important decisions that we'll ever make.
With transformation, we aspire to set goals which make our own lives healthier and happier, and which also make a difference in the lives of others. When we do this, we're constantly growing, learning and bettering ourselves, and we're also improving the world around us by being the change.
It's really remarkable the way this works, time and time again. In fact, it works so well that it really can't be explained by classic physics (physics of the material world). It is unquestionably a metaphysical (beyond physical) phenomenon that's activated when we set specific and inspiring goals (when we decide what we want out of all the possible things we could choose) and when we focus on that objective each day. We don't know exactly how it works, but every person who truly commits themselves to this practice can give personal testimony to the power of its effects.
Probably the only thing that I find more stunning than the power of setting meaningful and inspiring goals is how often people overlook this vitally important practice. Hundreds of people who've completed the 18-week Transformation, and over a million people who have completed with Body-for-LIFE Challenge over the past decade have all had a direct, firsthand experience with how effective this relatively simple practice is; yet, as soon as they achieve their initial goals, most don't set new ones. And right there, their progress ends.
So what are your meaningful and inspiring transformation goals right now? They should be specific, measurable, with a firm timeline and deadline. And they should give you a feeling of excitement and enthusiasm when you envision yourself achieving them. If you can't bring your specific goals to mind right away, that's a sign your transformation is headed for trouble, or perhaps you're already in it. You can course correct now by becoming clear about your goals and committing to them.

You've Strayed from the Herd
Among my favorite television programs are those gorgeous HD shows on Discovery which are basically chronicles of natural life. They're always filled with inspiring beauty and occasionally a life lesson or two. For example, watching the migrating herds of gazelle crossing the Serengeti, there's always one that strays from the herd and BAM it gets taken out by a pack of lions. Moral of the story: Don't stray from the herd.
For us, being connected to community and not straying away is also a good idea. Especially a community like ours where pretty much everyone holds the intention of making healthy changes in their lives which make a difference in the lives of others. The strength of a group of people who hold a similar intention cannot be underestimated. There's the advantage of being able to give and receive support and encouragement. There's the added benefit of accountability and camaraderie. And there's the power of the unconditional group support. The advantages of this type of fellowship have been well known for hundreds, even thousands of years; and now, even modern science is verifying the positive effects.
Remember the importance of "right environments" and realize that people are a very big part of that. We become what we surround ourselves with, to a very significant extent; and without healthy, open, honest and transforming people in our lives, it's hard to achieve our goals. Yet the opposite is also true – we do well at making challenging changes in our lives when we're connected to others who are making challenging changes in theirs.
Whether your goals include losing weight, overcoming addiction, working through a bout of depression, or reaching a new personal best, connecting with a supportive, positive, unconditional community where others are seeking the same or similar victories is essential. More and more we're realizing that significant and meaningful transformation in our lives is something that we can't achieve on our own. We need help from others to succeed, and we also need the opportunity to be of help to others to succeed. Yet sometimes we behave as if that weren't so. And we stray from the herd/community and try to go it alone. There again is a sign of transformation trouble.
Are you connected to and active in a community that supports the challenging changes that you're trying to make in your life? Are you both giving and receiving support and encouragement within such a group? Are you involved regularly, even daily? If not, the course correction I recommend is to get involved in a community where people are actively pursuing transformation in their lives. If you're already involved, please consider getting more involved.
Share your challenging, specific and inspiring goals with others. And ask community members about theirs. Aim to keep the basis of your community relationships focused on the pursuit and achievement of each of your transformation objectives.
Stay close to and active in your transformation community and don't stray from the herd; especially if you're seeking continual and sustainable progress.

Conclusion

Make no mistake, in our heart of hearts we all want to experience continual growth and betterment of ourselves and our lives. Transformation is an ongoing process that can allow us to move forward in that direction. It's a lifelong journey that can help us continually experience better physical and mental health, as well as emotional and spiritual well-being. However, it only works if we work it. As soon as we take our eye off the ball and move our attention and focus elsewhere (deliberately or accidentally), our growth comes to a standstill, or more accurately put, it begins to regress.

And so with this reminder to be on the lookout for transformation trouble before it goes unnoticed for too long, we've got the opportunity to bring our awareness back to the right place. You don't have to wait until you fall back to your before condition to realize that you've gone off course; you can begin to recognize that right here and now. Course correction and being on the lookout for trouble ahead is very much a part of becoming a successful, long-term transformer. As you develop mastery in this skillset, you'll find your results are more consistent, sustainable, inspiring and fun. =)

B2B.....Fall

After a gorgeous weekend you can this morning see that Fall is arriving. The days grow noticeably shorter and that spurs me into action.
I am aware most of my hurry is psychological. Fall worries me.
I know I will be good this year, too many safeguards in place but old fears do like to creep into the periphery.
My tasks this week are to eliminate any disorder or procrastinated item or event....like taxes.
I am striving to remove any negative content in my life. Things that I tend to create myself by not dealing with them effectively or in an orderly manner.
The nature of my Bipolar brain to is ruminate daily or hourly on anything bothersome. I must task myself to rid or deal with things much more expediently.
Listening to Jon Gabrial speak of what this does to our bodies and fat cells should be reason enough.
Now that my weight is not such a big issue. By that I mean I can see the end in sight and know I am capable of reaching and maintaining my goal.
I realize I need to get mind and body together. Funny how we seem to think they operate separately.
I am off to the Doctor to get some tests ordered.
My ankle is still bothersome over a year later, there must be something else wrong.
This is exactly the type of thing I leave far too long. Seeking a solution!
I also want to have my estrogen and testosterone levels checked.
This again is something I have wondered about. She blew me off the last time and I should not have allowed that.
Well that was productive. I have had an xray, a bone scan is ordered and a referral to an ankle ortho.
I have to pay for my estrogen/testosterone test but I can pick it up tomorrow. I am very curious as to what the answer will be there. there is no doubt that my levels are off. Hopefully some tweaking will help my body perform a bit better.
I have not seen Kathy my Dr in about 3 years. The first words out of her mouth were,you look all exercised and energetic. It was a bit odd as I had not the time for my workout this morning. I gather I must simply look like I am working out.
Not a bad thing.
I am happy I have finally pursued the issue on my ankle, thanks to a nudge from Dana.
Silly how we at times listen to Dr's and then when the problem does not clear up not question the advice.
Much to do to get everything finished by weeks end..

Being un-self involved

Daily I blog about where I am and why or how. The purpose of my blog is to journal so it is not a selfish gesture. The hope is to be a better more involved person.
Today I must comment on the War in Afghanistan.
Not a political commentary but a personal one. Frankly I no longer understand why we are there or what is being accomplished.
Why do I speak of this today? Because my heart is heavy with dread.
I live in a condo and on my floor 3 of my neighbours are in the US and Canadian forces.
One is a Padre, the gal from the US, diplomatic and Pat is a fighter pilot.
Pat returned from his overseas tour when he moved here. His job is now as a trainer.
Well, it was.
I bumped into him outside waiting for a taxi with his suitcase. Going to Van I inquired, smiling? His girlfriend is there and obviously this is a happy occasion.
Yes he replied, but unplanned. I stopped and looked into his eyes, sensing something was not as it should be.
I have to go back to Afghanistan he stated. I stuttered and started searching for words. But you have done your time, you were not to go back. With haunted eyes he shrugged his shoulders and well yes but.
I stood on the sidewalk stunned. I hate this war. I hate it for the fact that too any come home too soon,and not the way anyone desires.
We lost 2 more today. I cannot stand it.
I get it. I am the daughter of a veteran who taught me that sometimes we simply must.
I don't get this.
I don't want to get this. I want these young people to come home and live the lives they deserve.
Be safe Pat.

Mr. World Biggest Loser....naturally

They say the best revenge is living well. I suspect this to be true.
Not that its difficult to live better than a bully that accomplished one thing in his life and whose only hope of one more shot, is riding on the coat tails of an accomplished young man.

I, like my freinds come from a background of where one does not speak of oneself with grandiosity.* One lets their accomplishments speak for themselves. As we all know if they are true accomplishments and worthy of praise we shall recieve it.
I hear my Father in my head: class tells. As a child of the 60's I have tried to reject this but every now and then it hits you in the face.

I know I speak the obvious here but truly enough.
Hope you all enjoy the day, long weekend here and Sunny.


Grandiosity
1: characterized by absurd exaggeration

Lack and self doubt

I am still pondering Jon Gabrials thoughts.
In his book he speaks of lack and how it possibly drives our bodies into fat storage.
Sunday morning on a long weekend. What is it I lack and how do I change that?
Certainly self belief can be counted in.
For a reason I am unsure of I quit the scale this week. Let me back up on that.
My decision had been to follow Leigh Peeles advice and track the numbers rather than rely on one given day. I suspect I felt "fat" one day and did not weigh myself. This has led to several days of not weighing myself and this morning I woke with a fear of what the scale might tell me.
Now I wear my armband and have increased my number of steps. I did my program workout everyday except 1 and have not been eating off plan. SO why the fear? The morale of the story is the scale says I have gained 4 lbs.
There is discussion in the program I am doing that you my see the scale rise in the first few weeks. I spoke with Helen last night and she has had smashing results. Lots weight without cardio. So I do know I cannot have gained real weight. Also my clothes fit fine, possibly looser and I was shopping just a day ago and everything looked great.....so?
So I need to eliminate or confront the things that cause me fear.
The scale goes back to a daily activity as a guide to whats going on. Stepping on it occasionally does not work for me.
Avoidance of anything I perceive to be unpleasant or confrontational is my biggest vice. I causes me to worry about the thing constantly when often the thing is nothing.
This is old behaviour that causes lack in my life.
The reality is we never get rid of our old fears or beliefs. We simply learn to recognize them quicker and employ the coping skills we have learned.
I have a busy week ahead of me.
I will finalize my list of lack and by this time next week it will be gone. Or at least all the bits I can and the ones I cannot will have a plan.
Forward motion. I say it to all of you all the time.
Forward motion, no falling back.
I am also implementing daily pictures back into my accountability.
It does not matter if we post them weekly but I need to face where I am every day.
I will not allow my mind to undo all the hard work my body is doing. Its time for these 2 to get together.

It Fall and I am not going to Fall Back. Forward motion and flight.
Come along, pick up the peices my freinds and join me.

Shopping

Fall is almost upon us and given the climate I live in, my fall wardrobe has always been the most planned and generally the most enjoyable.
The last several years have been hell in that department. There was nothing enjoyable.
I would possibly lose a few lbs and buy the odd thing with the hope it would look good "once I lost some weight".

Today I went to pick up a jacket I had ordered. As much as I know I have lost the weight I still get nervous trying things on. As I slipped it on and it fit perfectly I was again filled with relief.

Its funny that I feel as unsure now as I did when the weight was escalating.

Fear, I know its not my friend and after listening to Jon Gabriel I believe that even more.
The last years have been lived in fear. Fear of lack.

How much that contributed to my weight gain its hard to say and not something I plan to test. What I do know is it cannot remain in my life.
All these little fears, many subconscious add up to reek big havoc in our lives.

Living consciously means much and applying it to ALL of my life is the most important thing I can do.
So part of my 6 month plan it to search and remove every negative fearful thought.
They have no value and are not real.
Well they become real when I allow them to fester.
September is the 6th month some of us have been together. Huge strides forward in that time. I plan to make even larger ones in the next 6 months.

Balance

Well I started my day a little slower. I truly have difficulty balancing enough and not enough.
I had a very busy week and weekend last and this end of week and the long weekend will provide some downtime.
WHy do I feel guilty using downtime as downtime??
Some of this feeling of "sticking" to my schedule comes from fear.
When the depression takes over I start to slow down. Sleep a bit more, do a bit less.
Everything in my life is dictated by black or white thinking. This was true of my nutrition as well.
SO this is another form of balance I must learn.
I know I will do my workout, so does it matter when? I prefer first thing in the morning as it allows me to remove it from my must do list and clears the thought from my brain. A bipolar brain tends to get cluttered if you allow it.
Hmmm, more Balance.
This is what I strive for and struggle with in all parts of my life.
Over involved to under involved, over commited to well you get the point.
Meri asked me last night what my PRW was or new goal.
I believe it will be balance.
One of the reasons for H2H is balance.
SO this weekend I will formulate my goals.
H2H,D2D,M2M-6 months in total.
What do I want these 6 months to be and where do I desire ending up.
Given that the next 6 months are the most "dangerous or slippery" for me I see this as an excellent plan.
I have always fought structure and craved it at the same time.
I believe my BP brains desperately wants and needs structure but the child in me, the defiant one that rebels against the structure imposed by a controlling abusive mother is still fighting.
Its good to recognize this conflict. The rebellious streak does me no good and my mother is not in control. I must however not allow my life to be ruled by that. It is so interesting how we continue down a path we despise, simply because its familiar.
As I sit here contemplating making a plan I am actually excited.
For the first time in years I am happy with how I look. Not that I do not want to continue to improve but I was so disgusted with myself that I isolated myself and would not really appear in public.
Fall is upon us and with it comes all the things I love.
Gallery openings, plays, the Opera.
I had already been looking into events that were planned for the Fall and will continue this with my "Plan" this weekend.
In there is my trip to Moscow to spend Xmas and New years with Dana. We travel beyond that but even if we only spend our time there it will be fabulous.
So now I have a plan for the W/E.
Its beatiful and I can walk and think as I don't work.
Balance, I will find it, one step at a time.

We are back

If you read this you will notice a large gap in time. I was blogging daily on a private site. So I have not missed days just not been using my blog.
I will be blogging daily and using this site.
Where am I?.
My life has not been this in balance, well possibly ever but certainly not for at least 15 years.
What I have discovered about myself in the last 163 days is that I function at 100% if I incorporate structure into my life.
The 2 biggest peices are nutrition and exercise. My body does not function without these things in place daily. I may be able to vary this but only occasionally.

This food issue is a bit of a revelation for me.
I truly have adjusted my thinking.
My issues with food I believe came from a sense of denial. When I was restrictive I would break, leading to weeks of bad eating or a binge.
I know recongnise that I need to fuel my body and that I can do so without feeling deprived.
I am currently on a deficit but select the foods I eat carefully to ensure they are things I enjoy. Frankly I denied myself food all the time so eating was never a pleasure. So the joy is I eat well and never feel bad about it.
I plan my food and portions and eat the same thing regularily. This is my bodies fuel.
Occassionally I engage in emotional eating, not overeating but eating or drinking something for the pure pleasure of it or the company I am sharing.
This I do with full awareness. WHat that means is I do it intentionally and with full awareness. I also do it knowing it is an occasion and stops at that one meal or occasion. This stops me from going off the rails.
Before because I felt guilty I would be in the mindset of "bad cindi" and end up in that bad place, usually with a chocolate smear to be found somewhere.
Last night Meri asked me if I intended to eat this way always. Yes I said.
You see I have realised that if I do not wish to be constantly gaining and losing that controls must be in place. I realize too this is the difference between us and them. Them being the folks that seem to have their weight under control. The fact is they do have it under control. They are aware, we have just wanted to beleive it was different.
The reasons we feel this way are no doubt attached to some emotion or hurt. That too is not news. Its also not that simple.
So for me this is a huge win.
I get up everyday with the expecation to fuel my body. It keeps my weight and mood where it belongs. Plus I now actually enjoy my indulgences.
Certainly a revalation for me.