and here we go

Well shortly I will pretend to try and sleep for a few hours before heading to the airport.
I fly to Chicago and then to Bangkok.
Hard to believe its here already.
One of the other things of note is that I am going to a "sun" place and looking forward to it.
Why would I not look forward to it? Well not that many months ago I would not have been able to consider shorts and bathing suits an option.
Its funny how my thought process has undergone a shift.
All I packed was bathing suits and shorts or skirts and sleeveless T's.
No thought of not being comfortable in such skimpy apparel. Yes I still have more to lose and one can always improve on their Muscle tone but I am not horrified at the thought.
Seven months is not such a long time when you look back. And seven months from meeting all of you.
A friend of mine asked me tonight if it was going to be weird meeting Dana for the first time.
No I replied, I may not have been in her physical presence but it will not feel like meeting for the first time.
It really is such a statement that my anxiety is so low over all of this.
Here I am travelling across the world, meeting up with 2 woman I have never met and no trepidation.
It really tells me how much control I have of my BP.
What a win these past months have been and what a journey.
Something none of us would have continued without one another.
So much has transpired to the group yet here we are still standing strong.
Rachel starts her Radiation treatments. She will be fine but it is all a bit much and rather nerve racking for her. Send out lots of healing Chi for our girl. We are hoping she gets the loss of appetite side affect and no other. Its the look good Naked radiation treatment she opted for.
We love you Rach, be well.
We will try and post to facebook but as there is some political unrest, well rather a lot of it, there may be facebook issues.
Meri is off to search for a new nest for her family. Hope they find what they seek.
Have a great couple of weeks and plan hard for the upcoming challenge.

2 more days

Wow only 2 more days and I will be on my way.
The last week has been blur of activity.
I had 2 social functions on top of everything else.
I was out with clients Friday and spent saturday sleeping. After all this time of eating clean and not drinking 2 martinis and sme wine hit me like a truck.
A well learned lesson before leaving on Holiday. I have no desire to waste a day hungover while I am away.
So today I will pack and  do all my final prep before going.
I must get a workout in today and tomorrow. Its also beautiful so a walk would be a good thing,
We are so looking forward to this trip. We have lots of things booked and the scenery by itself will be enough to occupy us.
The goal is to maintain while I am away, no going off the rails. We shall be very active so I do  not see it as a problem.
Hope every ones plans for the upcoming challenge are taking great form.
See you all in a few weeks

Reflections and what it takes to move forward

Interesting day today.
I had ordered some things to take away with me and was becoming concerned they would not arrive in time.
On my way back from Starbucks I encounted the mail delivery with my parcel. Ordering on line is always a guess and sized are tough.
The good news is that most of what I purchased fit and if not now then shortly. It may not do for this trip but I shall keep it.
The one thing I was not concerned with was the one piece bathing suit. Haaaaaaaa bathing suits are hell and no its does not work.
I shall take myself off to one of the local swim shops and find something before I go.
Not sure if trying on the bathing suit was my undoing but it really forced me to take a look at where I am and where I want to be.
Looking in the mirror and trying to feel good in a bathing suit is a challenge. looking good in clothes not as much of one.
So after feeling good about where I was at and feeling like the weight was beginning to move, staring at this old body upclose and personal...well

What I do know is that I am different. And I am different because I walked away from that mirror reminding myself of how I would have felt 30 lbs ago. And 7 months on working out continuously ago.
The thing that I realize daily is how much I have avoided really looking and that is what I must absorb.
The last time I went to a resort and considered wandering around in a bathing suit was 1999.
A whole lot has transpired since then and I am 10 years older. 10 years at this stage of life is a very long time on the body.
The good news is that I calmly wrapped up the bathing suit and had a calm conversation with myself.
No, not where I want to be but truly need to look at where I am compared to where I was.
Expectations need to be managable and so do our lives.
My first thougths of course was that I should have been more extreme with myself during the summer.
Well the fact is I worked out consistently, built some LBM, allowed my skin to adjust at a reasonaable rate, shaved a few more inches of and never considered quiting or bingeing.
Everyday I am closer to my goal. For the last 4 years that has not been true.
I looked back to show myself just what had transpired and why I should not expect to undo what had taken a few years in a few months.
In 2005 I started the year with a good program in place and continued it through the summer by walking everyday. I was at a good weight but likely about where I am and in not to bad of shape. That November I remember running outside in shorts, it was a year similar to this. I sustained myself till Dec and then started to slide. I have evidence of a manic episode in early January and I will have started the upward climb of weight once again. I started a kickboxing total body course and did 17 weeks and recall that I was getting a lot of comments as the summer progressed about how slim I was getting ( good comments)
Again I maintained it and then November hit and again my weight began to climb. Always smaller amounts, likely 10 lbs but that beginning. In February I travelled to NY for my 50th BD and upon my return we came to the conclusion of my BP.
Ah yes and then the drugs and my weight began to esculate. Beginning of 2008 and I tried Nutrisystem. Lost some weight, likely about 10 lbs and then when I returned in April and could no longer run it started to get out of control.
Well I was out of control.
Sept of 2008 I started working with a trainer 3/wk and following her nutrition program. My weight either stayed the same or edged up. Somewhere in there I topped out at the highest I have ever been or will ever be.
March 23 I began yet another new program.
And here I am. Still at it. Everyday moving forward. Everyday working out and eating with awaremess.
Everyday getting out of bed and coping with my depression and my BP.
It funny as I write this.
I have been encouraging Rachel to consider the future and plan her new program.
Not because I think it matters if she gains or loses 10 lbs but because I think its important she feel in control of whats happening.
Ok a slightly different mirror to look in.
It really is all about moving and looking forward.
Yes I wish I could get there in a hurry but I cannot.
Actually most of us cannot and that is where the problems come in.
We spend years getting out of shape and want it all back in 90 days or less.
I wanted to be done by Jan1, not going to happen. I wanted to be done by Feb 16, not likely to happen.
But..........
I can continue and I will be very much closer by Jan 1. And Feb 16 is 7 weeks into our 12 week challenge.And at the end of our 12 week challenge I will have reached a place that I was sick with believing I would never see.
When I think of how I felt on Mar 23/2009, it was not optomistic it was desperate.
And on March 23/2010 I will be very far from desperate, very.
Sometimes we have to let things be enough. I have a hard time with that and so do most of you.
So lets look forward to enough and simply do the best we can in such a way that we sustain it.
How amazing that we have each other to go to and to help with that. Something else we did not have 7 months ago and certainly something we will have in 5 months time.
So while we have lost we have gained. And if you have gained you have not lost. I mean that however you feel about yourself.
So make a plan that works for you and we will move forward together.
Its a great concept.

8 more sleeps

-55 and 11 more sleeps

I am starting to get excited about our trip. Lots to do before I go and as per usual every client on the planet comes looking for me just as I plan to leave. It does always seem to be the way.
I am not concerned and have a freind to cover for when I am gone.
I am in week 5 of my program and the tweaks to the program seem insignificant on paper but I sure can feel them. Its too bad I have hol in the middle. I suspect it will slow some of the progress but I can see some difference already so 11 more days can net me a nice amount of BF gone. Not going to have a flat tummy but it certainly is better and I will get there.
Today I met with clients I have not seen since last summer. I was standing talking to him and she stopped and stared at me and then was like wow I did not recognize you. You look like you have had a complete makeover and so slim... Yes she used the word slim. I just smiled broadly and said yes that I was finally getting back to me.
It was a really great feeling. After working so hard all these months it is nice to have someone else recognize it.
I even felt inspired to go lingerie shopping after. Now thats saying something.
It certainly does feel exceptional to feel good about myself again.
I also am feeling excited about my workouts and progress again. I can see new changes again. What I refer to is down the road, in another few months. I can see myself not only at my goal weight but toned with muscle definition.
I think as we progress we have to spend sometime seeing our new selves and then seeing our better selves.
This program goes till Jan 1 and then we are starting Jace's 12 week challenge. 1/2 way in is my birthday and I plan to be inspired to hit big goals by that date.
March 23 is the A8's one year anniversary and I will be awesome long before.
The weather here is still unseasonablely warm and thats a great treat. I am attempting to use it to get moving just a bit more. 1 extra 20 min walk. Truly it will be cold soon and I will regret not having taken advantage of it.
The other bit of news is that Gowear has revamped the online program. I will now be able to enter cals into daily and that will be a great bonus.

I certainly like feeling this motivated. No struggle with food or workouts. Today I had a course and then clients so completely off schedule. I am happy to report I simply came home, ate what I was to and hit the gym. Success certainly takes us a long way emotionally.
Hope everyone has a great weekend
C

-57-14

Only 13 more sleeps till Bangkok....It sure is going to come up quick.
I am in week 5 of my program. Some subtle changes in the program in round 2 and I can feel it.
I am excited to see my progress over the next few weeks.
I had a lovely long chat with Jace today and we have a New Years special coming up.
I think its something that will be a great way to start 2010 for all of us.
I have also been looking at some interesting sights and will update you all as I have time to take a further look.
I just had 2 days of massive reload and today was back to deficit. Its interesting how after only 2 days It takes a bit of discipline to go back to clean eating. Food as fun, a really bad habit.
Lots of great changes in my body after all these months, too many to start down a road that leads nowhere.
All good here...goal weight Here I come!

ramblings and its working

About 10 days ago I met with another woman who is a patient of Lillians. Lovely lady but what  I want to speak about is how interesting it was to meet someone else who is BP.
So much of the strange happenings in my brain are not mine alone, no they are part of the BP brain.
We laughed at the similarities and bizarre thought processes we shared.
Well we laughed because too many tears have been spilt over this and there simply is no point.
The epitamy of crying over spilt milk.

I mention this because I think these revelations that its not just me manifesting this shit but a by product of bipolar that breaks through some thought barriers. It opens my black and white thinking to some grey areas. And the grey areas are where the answers are. Even to questions you did not know you had.
As I had several years of cognitive behavior therapy prior to the eventual diagnoses of BP I have great skill at analysing behavior, its the recognizing it that is difficult.
That is where all these rumblings and ramblings are coming from these days.
I experience paradigm shifts this way, I always have. No grey areas there.
Hmmmm is my life veiwed as black and white because  I truly lived in shades of grey for so long.
Haaaaa thats one for Jace!
I am deep into this shift. My mind is searching for more clarity. Another peel off the onion. Its all good but it is a very interesting time.
My thought processes become very quick and in depth.  When a thought pops into my head  my brain instantly grasps it and begins the process of breaking it down. Its quite fascinating and its like I observed myself from outside.
I have often mentioned its like I have a split personality. I begin to wonder if this is right brain left brain activity. When I was in discussion with this woman she said she felt certain internal chatter came only from her right side. I have never been aware of this but must do some research on R/L brain activity and see it I can observe this in myself.
Meri has been after me for a while, she beleives I have something to say. After our conversation the other night I have begun ot ponder that fact. Being mid shift this may have been the ideal time for her to have mentioned it again. I am very open to things at this moment as my clarity bubble seems to be active.
It also seems that this has occured since that last crash. That too is of interest.
I think that at one time this would have been a manic episode for me. Which follows given I was in crash mode. I have always beleived that for me mania was a self induced survival instinct. It was something I used to drag me from the depths of depression.
I wonder if its my success with CB therapy or age that has caused this change. Truly I do not get manic.
I have always felt I was 90% depressive and mania was a coping mechanism.
I wonder what others experience.
So I have some thoughts formulating. A thought process moving me into a future. Its amazing how difficult that is. But with focus I can do it. The difference for me know is that I have shown myself that I can manage my depression. Its there but I have learned the skills and I am in control, not that other entity that lives in my brain. Certainly what ever it is that malfunctions in the BP brain is a cousin of split personality disorder.
What I feel today is a resurgance of the ability to use my intellect to problem solve.
Being able to push the fear of depressions dominace to the side will allow me to follow the path to success.
Thanks Meri.
And its working.
As you know I am on day 2 of reload. Hi GI carbs.
The one thing the Leigh Peele always preaches is that we need to quit being afraid of food and learn to understand it. This is certainly reinforced doing 2 days of refeed in this manner,
Here I am less than 2 weeks to the beach and I am eating waffles and bagels.....with butter.
Its a big leap of faith be she says do as I say period. This program is about carb cycling with your exercise and I know I do not have a clue so could not begin to tweak it. Well I could begin but I would just me messing with something I know nothing of.
The scale has been uncooperative and today it was back up. Now I expected that given the load of carbs I am eating and so I simply accepted that as fact and have faith that it will continue its tumble to the next decade by weekend.
But what I did see today is a difference...in the mirror. I am finally dropping BF again. I can see it in my face and when I was in the gym I can see more definition.
As I have been doing a lot of lifting for the last 5 months I know I have built a lot of muscle but it could only be glimped as it was still buried beneath.
I also am reminded of where my body shifts from previous times I have experienced weight loss.
I am seeing one now and I suspect my body is going to allow me to drop 5 lbs in the next while.
That is where the next ledge comes in and then within 3 lbs of that changes become evident again.
Quite exciting for me to feel like I am reaching these levels. Plus very motivating.
Dana has subjected herself to some 6 week contest so we shall both be well behaved on our hol.
Not that we will not be eating and drinking more cals than normal but we will be finding ways of burning those off.
Walking for hours on a lovely sandy beach does not seem like any form of punishment to me.
Final thought for today.
This program does involve lifting but not the intense hour or more a day I had been doing for the previous 4 months.
Reload training is full body and much more intensive. Man can I feel it. Its interesting to feel that way after all this time.
Its been hard to get away from lifting that hard. Everything else feels like a non workout. I think this is another thought process like food to over come. There are no bad or wrong workout methods, just different and our bodies need a bit of everything.

-59-16....and where did Cindi go?

As most of you know I have just progressed to week 5 of LP's OPT /remix.
I am happy to report the scale does appear to be making progress to the next decade ( down ..not up we are so DWT!!)
I really am in the last throws of that last 10 lbs and I think when you add in my age, menopause, the addition of estrogen my body has a few challenges to overcome to get to that next place.
What that means is digging a little deeper. Staying with the program and writing it all down.
It certainly has been the topic of conversation of late. I have found myself having conversations around this theme with Dana,Meri and Rachel. Its not what we eat that needs to change its our relationship with food. It has been a reward for is for far too long. It is the most disfunctional relationship all of us have and certainly is a common thread.
If you want to lose the weight you have to change your relating to food....Fact!
I was just telling Meri and Dana that one of the reasons I do not seem to be struggling with the extremity of this program is that I get that it may very well be my last.
Once these last 10 lbs are gone all I must do is maintain. And maintenance after living deficit for so long looks pretty simple to me.
Meris concern was about having the ability to stop after indulgence. Again it comes down to relationship.
Why am I so sure. Well I turned that corner about 2 months ago. I guess my first break that I took in August was a great reinforcement for me. I went off program for a week and had no trouble getting back into reasonable eating. I indulged but did not feel the desire to over indulge.
On the LP: program I am on you have reload days. These are a surplus of calories plus they consist primarily of Hi GI foods.
Very bizarre to be eating bagels and ones made with white flour.
These days are based around training and do not occur at regular intervals. The last one was 10 days ago and this week I have 2 together and then not another for another 15 days. So not something you get accustomed to. Which has a great impact on my thought process on indulging.
Needless to say I have to really think about what it is I am going to eat. This is not food normally in the house.
So this morning I made waffles complete with butter and syrup.Terrific but truly I really do not get hungry after something like that. When I cam back from the gym at 1:30 I realized I needed to eat again.
Hmmm what did I really want. I decided on a banana. Haaa really. Its been so long since I could enjoy a full banana that is what I wanted.
I added a bagel and a Tb of peanut butter and still have only eaten 1/2 my calories for the day and I have to do this again tomorrow.
I simply do not crave this stuff anymore. The fact is that for me it was simply emotional and somehow I deserved it.
The longer I go the more I see and the more I desire only one thing...clarity of mind.
There are not enough donuts in the world to replace the feeling of ease that I find,
I am tired of the hyper and the negative and the fear. I do  not want that to be my life.
I do not want to worry about my weight. I do not want to live in confusion.
The clarity comes from letting my body function at its best. Its so simple and we have heard it time and again but we resist.
You must see your relationship with food for what it is before anything in your life will change.
Once you do, everything will change.
We may not need to dig it all out, just resist the behavior for a while, long enough to feel the affect.
Weight loss 101: Deal with the disfunction.
Food will always be in your life,fact. Not one you can change. There is no other way.

-60-17

Haa I am making up for lost posts... I had the opportunity to catch up with Meri tonight.
I have missed our daily interactions. Since the 23 of March, never a day went by without knowing where the other was. The last few months have found us caught up in our "real" and we simply have not had the chance.
It is interesting the strength of the friendships we forged in the early days of the SS. For me many of them are of extreme importance.
This last few weeks has been spent catching up and completing tasks that have been left undone.
One of my goals is to remove anything that causes me stress. So many little things that are on the constant "I should" list. I am attemping to remove all of them prior to the Thailand trip.
I have a bar in the great room and I had yet to install the lights. I did this earlier in the week but was needing a new piece to complete it. The other thing I needed to do was repaint one of the walls.
All my North facing walls are black. I also used flat paint so they scuff and installing the shelves last year had scuffed them. No problem I would just repaint. Fast forward to one year later.
See what I mean by tasks left not done that cause stress!
The other thing that was required was breaking into my storage locker. Long story of doing something in a hurry without thought.
Needless to say, last night I was successful and organized it while I was at it.
The other thing I needed to do was adjust some of my shelves in the kitchen. As much as they are adjustable you have to remove the doors to do it.
So this weekend was spent doing this and cleaning from top to Bottom.
Plus Kristine is staying here when I am away so it was a great time to clean everything up.

For me it is such a reflection of just how much the depression has ruled my life the last years.

I have always been extremely organized and active ( likely mania) so to look at how I just did not get to things is amazing.

I am so fortunate to live in a beautiful space yet I seldom use it and do no entertaining simply because to many things were not getting done.

I take my ability to get stuff done at this time of year as a really good sign.

Upward and onward.

Drink anyone? Bars Open.

Setting myself free:

Guilt and fear.
Every now and then I have another epiphany.
You would think years of therapy would have dragged it all out but today I realize that because of the depression my mind lacks clarity. The fact that the depression has come and gone without my realizing it for what it was has contributed to this.
The fact that I deal with 2 issues, one being the BP and the other the trauma of early childhood abuse is a lethal mix of skewed cognitave thinking.
What I have discovered today is that the longer I have clarity the more my brain is able to shift to rational thinking.
I have been hyper vigilant in monitering my BP for the last 6 months and aside from a bad few days here and there have truly made a shift.
I had a crash in the month of October and that simply brought me back to strong focus.
Staying focused which leads to staying active is my life force, the key to management.

To bring us to this point I will make mention that I have been estranged from my family since 1992.
For me this is a good thing as coping with their disfunction simply hightened mine and there is no value there for me.
Through circumstance and the internet I stumbled upon a myspace page of my youngest brother. My relationship with him was bizarre, the circumstances of our childhood creating a distrust so strong that I would not ever feel safe in the same room with him. Real or not I cannot say. He has lived a life of full disfuntion and is a user. At 57 he is still living off my Mother and has worked very little and to the best I know accomplished very little.
What I discovered was that he was on his way to Arizona and was getting married this weekend.
His page speaks of the homes he owns and unless my mother has completely lost her mind and given him her largest assets ( which I doubt) he is being misleading in suggesting he owns these properties.
His fiance is 57 and so excited about marrying this wonderful man......hmmmm.
Oh, I forgot to mention he has recently found Jesus ( did Jesus know he was missing?), sorry my skepitism is not without reason.
So my first instinct was to send this woman an email. Not sure what her financial circumstances are but she spoke of selling her home and I was oh oh !
I did decide over a few days time that she was the one responsible for having checked his story and if she wanted to be conned that was her choice.
The second occurance was with a friend of mine. He is having some difficulty and wanted my help.
Now I only have his side of the story and this involves my business.  He wanted me to talk to as many people as I could.  The reason he needs me is that I have a lot of freinds and respect in the industry and while his business is financially successful he has few friends.
Like usual I agreed and after thinking about it wondereed whether I really wished to involve myself.
Of course guilt came out to play, you promised guilt said. Yes I did but then last year when this friend
volunteered to help me with a situation he never followed thru and left me at a financial loss because I trusted his word.
So whats this all about? Clarity!
I still allow fear and guilt to guide my actions when I should not. I take responsibility for things that are not mine. All this does is take energy away from my own life.
This is borne out of a misplaced childhood belief that it was my job to make things better. Typical thinking of an abused child. Make it better and the abuse stops. Actually it does not but it was a survival mechanism.
I do not need to make things better for others. They are not out there making things better for me and the sooner I realize and accept that the easier my life becomes.
It removes the fantasy of someone coming to save me and takes my stress level down by a huge amount.
I am not responsible for the actions or results of others lives and thoughts. Just mine.
Its a slow process but the more I control the BP the easier my life gets.
Its a shift in thinking I need to make.
The sooner I do the sooner I set myself free.

-61-18

Today was a day of pondering results and expectations. That of course leads to making sure my head is on right.
I am also at the end of round 1 and have 2 full weeks of round 2 before we leave.
My scale jumps up and down and truly I am uncertain as to my weight loss. That said I feel a difference in some of my clothes and have to simply keep faith with the program. My goal at the moment is to see 2 new decades before we go. One in my weight and one in my BF%.
The OPT remix program is unlike any I have ever done and I must keep reminding myself she would not have put it in the book if it did not work. Round 2 has some slight differences and very possibly I will enter a higher fat burning phase. I will, of course not know that unless I stick with it.
I do know what I am burning daily so the only variable left is nutrition. I will be extremely diligent for the next 2 weeks, no side tracks of any measure.
Today I wrote out 14 days of menu according to the plan.
I am commited to weighing every morsel of food and to being hungry if that is what it takes.
A new decade becons and I really want to visit it.
I realize that I need to really  want and see it or it will not happen.
I have been at this for 7 months now and its time for me to see the reward. A little hard work and I will be there.
Tight nutrition till the New Year and I should have my weight were I want it. After that I can go back to building muscle and let that burn off a bit of body fat.
61 days....I can do that

65/21/ 1 Having faith in your program

I have not blogged for a few days but I am compliant on my program. Had a few down days so missed 2 workouts but nutrition is 100%.
I was thinking of Rachel when I started to write this and the connection I am about to reveal comes from that.
First I wanted to let all of our friends now she is doing well. Strong, positive, brave and lovely.
Having a bit of a tif with a pair of jeans but this too shall pass.
What I wanted to relay was that she has a program in place and will begin her Radiation on the 23.
While I refuse to play down the stress of this time she does seem to be coping well and truly thats all one could expect.
sigh......its so easy to write that and we simply pretend like Oh yeah, the 23. My  heart plunges to know she must endure this. Its not a small thing, not a small thing at all.
The connection? Well I was thinking as I started to write that sheesh Day 65 and my scale is barely moving. Really another almost 4 weeks of sticking to my program and I really am far from happy with my results. Not quick enough, my body is being stubborn and I am leaving for Thailand on the 23rd and I wanted to be thinner.
See the connection?
No, its not really the 23rd. It's that as I started to whine and feel sorry for myself having to do yet another program and still have 65 days and well maybe even more because my body is resilient to losing this BF.
See it yet??
The connection is that we both are on programs.
The difference as to what and why is staggering and I cannot believe I had the audacity to spend one moment or thought of poor me. WTF???
And no I was not comparing myself to Rachel but I could not believe that I had allowed myself to be that indulgent.
Its funny how we can become so focused on self that we really don't allow ourselves to see the big picture.
Stomping my foot like a child. I have choices and I have made choices. I made bad food choices over good ones. I chose to not be strict for the last while. I chose to want to lose this last weight in a more aggressive fashion and I also chose my program.
A program that was 90 days not 28 with miracle results. My point to self is that I need to have and keep faith with my program.
My inspiration....Rachel.
The lesson for me is to slow down, work through it and use gratitude as my driving force not self indulgence.