Giving thanks or thanks giving

Holiday weekends always brings things in my life to a very slow pace. Its the one time I can expect few if any phone calls or need to be concerned with work.
The interesting thing in my life these days is my ability to simply slow down. And not freak out in the process.
So much has changed, I have evolved so much this year its a bit weird to look at it all.
I know exactly what I was doing this time last year as I was finalizing an offer on a million $ property.
I was many things that day but slow and calm would not be descriptive.

I marvel at how I am or rather at how I was.
Example, I lost my phone last nite. I returned from the gym about 630 and around 8 I went looking for it.
Not in my gym bag. I assumed it was in my car or possibly left a the gym.
I did not even bother to go and check.
Once upon a time I would have not even slept my OCD/ADD whatever would have kicked in and my brain would have began the internal chatter that would have become more derogatory as the night wore on.
Even this morning when I could not find it in the car, no freak out. Went for coffee and simply knew I would have to go to the gym and find it.
The end result was it had fallen beside the seat and when I checked BEFORE driving to the gym, there it was.
I have come to the conclusion that its the NOISE that keeps us crazy.
When the noise stops for long enough you can finally think clearly. Daily, not just once in a while.
I wonder if the noise would ever have stopped it I had stayed with the drugs.
I suspect they mask too much and therefore you cannot work at the quiet.
Its taken me 2 and a half years to get to quiet. Many days felt like one step forward, 2 back.
Now its a slow sure climb to normal.
Thats what is so weird about how I think now. Its all so normal.

Now..a revelation

I get today what is different and what I have been doing.
Some months ago Lillian and I discussed living in the now.
More to the point that I was not and had not been for some time.
Something happened on the NY trip and my brain is still trying to sort it.
Likely it was being around grounded people who love in the now. Total immersion in Normal.
I don't think many realize the total isolation in which I have lived. Part of the isolation is simply in my mind as I have daily interaction but these were not taking place in the now.
I realize that sounds confusing but today it makes my life make sense,
No matter what I have been physically doing I have been mentally removed from it.
Really a big aha moment.
It was in everything I do.
I did not get my office settled because I might not be staying, I would not spend the money in case I did not make more.
It goes on and on.
Until:
I lost weight, made money,met someone,took a trip..................
The point is everything in my mind was on hold.
So even when I was doing it I was removed from it.
I was aware that I thought this way on some things, I had no sense that I did it with everything.
No time to finish this now but its the key.
c

Day 5: Paradigm Shift

Its all good. Scale is still moving. I know that this week will be a bit more dramatic but it is certainly getting me through the early days which are the hardest.
Mind you, given how I feel maybe it does not matter. I am in the right mindset and simply need to stay there.
Today was spent on internet and business. Lots of time wasted but it will sort itself out.
I have decided not to go away in August  and  wait.
I have to find my cruise certificate this week. If we can do BVI or any carribean destination then thats what I will do. Then Whistler FF in Dec and Miami in March. I will leave any late Dec/early Jan plans and maybe do a last minute one if I can find something. Hopefully Dana will be fully employed and looking for a short get away.
I love resolution.
I am coming to terms that I am a planner. If I don't its just too difficult for me.
The odd thing in that is I have always resisted plans.
I really am a study in making life as difficult as possible.
I feel I have experienced a Paradigm shift returning from NY. likely as a result of the week in NY.
Have I mentioned how fortunate it is to have such great friends?
I need to prep tonight and get my workouts started.
Hope every one has a great week

Day 4 Why did these seem so difficult?

Amazing what a shift in thinking does.
Here I am on Day 4 and not any bit of a struggle.
I so do not get why I get so wrapped up in food. As Rachel likes to say, its not an Emergency!
When we were in NY, Dana spoke about defining herself as some one who does not eat bagels.
The point is that how we define ourselves is how we act.
Since returning home I have been pondering that and reinforcing it in my thinking.

Day 3 of Getting it DONE!!!

So I wanted to start the HCG protocol when I returned from New York. For some reason my Dr would not write the script and I have not had a chance to speak with her or the pharmacist. Apparently there is a Doc coming to Winnipeg in Sept that is familiar with the protocol so rather than purchase off the internet I will wait and see.
In the meantime I am following the diet. The HCG is supposed to help with the hunger on the low cal but I do not feel any real hunger so I think its time to simply stick it out.
I actually stepped on the scale this morning so that tells me I am ready to face it.
I go thru periods of not being able to face what I have been doing. This tends to lead to more eating.
Done with that!
Essentially I am on a 500-600 cal diet of Veg/Fruit/100g of chicken and Melba toast. Pretty simple and I have always been good with repetitive eating so no issue for me.
I have 25 lbs to lose and just sticking with it will get me there in 60 days. Really 60 days I can do that.

New York and Neil Young

No Neil Young was not in NY, well at least not while I was there.
I just returned Monday from a fab 6 days of play with 2 of my bff's.
It was Rachel's birthday last Thursday and I had promised to go. Dana was convinced to join me and there we were, in NY.
Best idea in awhile.
I love NY.
Rach and I saw Wicked the first night. It truly was amazing. I have seen a lot of Broadway shows I have loved and this is one that may go to the top of the list, If you have the chance do go.
Thursday was a more lazy catchup and then Rachel , myself, charming husband Gary and her youngest Daniel attended a Yankees game.Hot sunny night and they won the game, I just wish I had thought to take binoculars so I could have looked for famous faces behind the plate.
Friday was into the city to pick Dana up. King tut exhibit, lunch and a visit to Rachel's Guy....Alec the jeweler.

You do not want to know the damage this wrought!!
Later evening was Sushi and drinks in the living room.
I forgot to mention we stayed at the W in times square. We really liked it. Being central had a great advantage, the room was huge by NY standards and you could check your email, get a drink and the staff were great.
The computer is set by the check in desk and the purpose is to do a quick check and go.
The first night we went there was a young woman playing on Facebook and we were, really??
Well the next night I get there and am waiting and waiting while this other woman is using Friend Finder.
I am like come on the intent is not to be on it all night. Next thing I know she is checking porn and escort sights and then starts shopping for "attachments".  I finally went to the desk, the poor staff they were Uggg.
They did get the manager and then security. Honestly we were just Really, you think this is appropriate on a public computer where every one can see you. Ahhh New York, gotta love it.
Saturday was as visit to the Statue and Ellis Island.
The evening saw us in the Village, dinner at Lupa and then we met Gary and Rachel at the Comedy cellar.
Sunday we got tickets for Promises Promises, did lunch, shopped a bit, back to the village for dinner and then off to the Glass House for drinks of which I had too many.
Monday morning I was sick as a dog but Gary had opened shop early for us so off we went.
Both Dana and I have PS that are good but Gary is Great. If you can make the trip to Manhattan you will not be disappointed.
Needless to say, yesterday was spent "resting". but I did go and see Neil Young in the evening.
Magnificient and worth the effort.
What an incredible 7 day adventure.

Still Here

Wow no BP blog since April.
I have been blogging elsewhere but I am back to blogging here on a regular basis.
Everything else is simply a distraction and I need to get my focus on all things.
Where have I been and how am I feeling.
I am feeling great as far as BP and mood is concerned.
I have been extremely busy and had my best year ever so things are truly great on that front.
Of course busier with work means less time for other things but that too is good.
Nothing about my day to day life has been normal for a long time and I like the fact that it now is,
So work comes first and that is the adjustment of focus I want to work on now.
My workouts and training have been sporadic, one week good the next week not and I need to get this back in balance.

-88

Quick one tonight. Still killing it at 100%. Did a 20 min ho lo run today. Going to take it easy with the ankle and give it a chance to strengthen.
Did my workout early today. Its so great to get out and be able to do it outside.
We are at least 6 weeks early with weather this year and a min of 10 degrees warmer so I am taking advantage of it.
I had a 3 day reprieve from work but its crazy again, It all good and I am thrilled that I can handle it all.
OK I need to get to bed at a decent hour.
Have a great weekend everyone!!

Wohooo I am a RUNNER

Two years ago while training for the Vancouver Marathon I blew my ankle out. It was a huge disappointment.
especially 3 weeks before the event. I had trained in the worst of winter conditions, my first run was in -40.
I had endured that to have to quit. Rest they said and you will be back.
It never healed and continued to plague me. I rested for a full year and yes, a big contributor to my weight gain.
At Dana's urging I began the round of MRI and ortho surgeons.  Nothing.
This year as Jan hit I realized I must try again to find a fix. I met a physio therapist who diagnosed the problem within 10 min.
I ran today. 35 minutes. no pain,no hesitation. I truly thought I was never going to run again.
To say I am thrilled would be a small statement.
I know marathons are not likely in my future, But a lovely 30 min run on a sunny day feels like freedom.

Wk1 Day 2 -90

Today:
Its interesting how having a precise number in front of me gets me simply doing.
It’s created a daily expectation of exactly what I must do.
I have the freedom to chose how I reach those numbers so the day is of my choosing and has great flexibility. It simply needs to be done.
The numbers are harder to reach than you might think so I must be aware at all times. This is not a negative feeling quite the opposite,
Yes I must do it but I set the expectation and I get the reward. Being in charge of how it comes together is critical.
Its funny how my head is still going to Oh I should be lifting weights a certain way at a certain cadence.
I remind myself that. no I should be doing exactly what I am. My number 1 goal is BF loss and what I am doing will get me there.
I will be adding in some lifting a few times a week but right now the important thing is routine and maintaining it. My way.
It is also teaching me about maintenance down the road and what a reasonable expectaion for myself will be. And the creative ways I can get the right amount of exercise in.
My nutrition is not a challenge in any way. I enjoy a drink me smoothie for breakfast and salad and another fruit smoothie during the day.
Not hungry, no cravings and lots of energy. Clear thinking and inches are falling.
I am glad I am not using the scale. It has the power to derail me and I am not allowing that.
I will repeatedly do everyday the things required. My body will release the fat in its own time and fashion. But it will release it.
The weather continues to be beautiful and this morning I took advantage of that. I had to pick up a water sample from a client and chose to walk than drive. So 2 things taken care of, a business transaction and 6000 steps and 45 min of moderate activity and 200 calories. Not exactly difficult.
We decide if we succeed. Choose success!

-37 13 weeks and another 2 inches

Haa I have too many dates going on. I will use the 13 week countdown.
I am meeting Dana and Rachel in NY in 13 weeks and we have a sexy in NY challenge going on.
I have had a terrific week. On plan all week.  Hit my goals every day for the last 4 and really had some nice averages for the week. The next weeks will be 100% no exceptions. I did 90 days of RTP at 100% I can do it again.
The great thing is this 13 weeks will take me to the end of the weight loss journey. Past that will be tweaking if I desire but I will be at a perfect weight for me.
I am still 100% raw and not struggling at all. I am enjoying it, never hungry actually find myself rather full after my daily salad.
This morning I simply felt thinner. I am not using the scale for this challenge so out of curiosity I measured again.
Surprisingly I lost 2.25 inches in the last 2 days. Its all moving in the correct direction so I am very happy and of course highly motivated.
Thats it for tonight, just want to relax for whats left of it. I work weekends, well I work all the time but no weekends off is my point. I have my patio set up and we are having summer like weather so I shall go and sit and read. Just came back from an hour walk as I needed to finish my daily goals.
Have a pleasant evening and a great start to you week.
100% 1 day at a time.
C

-38..Slipping into my Jeans

No not yet but that is what I miss the most. That feeling, sensation of slipping into my jeans. Them sliding over your hips, sliding up the zip and popping on a T.
Not the wiggle and struggle and feeling like a overstuffed grape when done and searching for anything that will cover the bulge...sigh Soon!!
Yesterday was a great day ( well every day its but goal wise). I hit the gym in the morning and made sure I had hit 50% of my goals by noon.
Even though I started out that way I still had to go back last night and finish up. I had 3000 steps left, 15 min of moderate activity and 100 cals to burn,
I find it interesting how little movement my day holds.
I walked to the salon in the afternoon and worked with clients in the evening and still did not hit the 1.5H of moderate activity. This is with 33 min done in the gym.
Most of us really do not move enough to burn many calories. Its deceiving and a lot of the reason folks are obese.
Yes overeating is part of it but people simply do not move or over estimate how much.
Saturday and for a change I am not working ( other than phone calls).
I have decided I will go for a walk to the library and then hit the gym. I want to see my alternatives to the treadmill to getting my activity levels in.
Its unseasonably warm and I wish to take advantage.
I am loving my challenge. It feels great to be working to 100 % . I am emotionally thinner already and  seeing and feeling yourself getting there is the biggest motivator there is.
Yesterdays score:

TARGET	ACTUAL	Share  |  Report  |  Export  |
	Calories Burned	2000 CALORIES	2177 CALORIES
	Calories Consumed	1000 CALORIES	876 CALORIES
	Calorie Balance	1000 CALORIE DEFICIT	1301 CALORIE DEFICIT	You are on a weight loss trend
	Physical Activity	1:50 HRS:MINS	2:08 HRS:MINS
	Steps Taken	15000 STEPS	15332 STEPS
	Sleep Duration	8:00 HRS:MINS	8:26 HRS:MINS

Have a terrific weekend All!

-39 -3.25 and Challenges & Thanks

It funny how we forget some of the best things we learn.

The best things I learned from Adam and RTP were to set yourself a challenge, plan the work,take daily photos, measure and compare and recommit daily and find someone to be accountable to.

Not difficult and I had it for a long time. But as you start to remove any of the pieces it starts to unravel.
Some of it came from wanting to believe I had learned and therefore could do it on my own.
The main piece as we all know is the accountability and leaving the SS caused that to slip.

So thanks once again, to all of you for being so welcoming. I need this. Can I do it alone, likely but its easier and a lot more fun as part of a large group.

Having re-identified all these crucial pieces had really got me back on track.
I did not realize quite how much till this morning.

Last night I hit the gym late and was a long way from my preset go wear goals. Put in an hour on the treddie I said. As I interspersed my time with HIIT and walking I started to watch the numbers.
Just looking at how close I was made me push myself on and on. The end result was 20 min longer than I wanted to spend but the culmination of it was hitting each and every target.
To say that it felt great would be an understatement.
The affect it truly had was making me want to hit those goals.

This morning I sent Rachel a quick email and in it gave her my update and my commitment.
100% for the next 2 weeks.
This got me down to the gym with no procrastination other than a quick skype/text with Jace...
Again I planned on an Hour. 45 min into it I realized that I needed to hit my 1/2 way mark before I left. Again 10 min more than I wanted, but I got it done.

-3.25. ahh yes well thats inches. Not a huge improvement but an improvement and that too provided me with further motivation. It was over a 3 week period but definitely going down.

So if you are struggling go back to the basics you know so well. They work and you know that because you have made them work.
So 14 days for me. I will post my results. I have to find a way to post a pdf on blogger.
Have a terrific Weekend every one.
C

-40 Choices and an explanation for Tom

For the last few months I have been fighting to get myself onto a dedicated program. I have stopped and started and there have been reasons but mostly a lot of excuses.
We live in Now so that's what we shall discuss.
I have made the decision to go RAW and am not struggling at all. I am fortunate to have a great HF store withiin walking distance and they carry everything you could want.
I also like I can get most of it in convenient open and serve. No thinking, no excuses.
I feel like I have been prepping for this 4 the last few weeks. I have even gone back and read some of my old SS blogs to see where I was at the same time last year.
I did so well on RTP and needed to remind myself why.

Goals Goals Goals

1- Stay on track...lol

I wear a go-wear fit armband. It measures the calories I burn,cal consumed ( I enter this) , cal balance, the # of steps,my activity levels, sleep duration and weight.
You can set daily goals on it.
My daily goals are:
burn 2500
consume 1000-
bal -1500
steps 15000
Activity 20m vigorous 90 min moderate.
Should not be that hard right??? well I have not met all the goals very many times.
So a perfect day would be one in which I hit these.
Thats what I am working towards.
I have at the moment forgone any formal program.. Many reason for that but I shall keep this to a blog not a book.
I am following Shawn Phillips HIIT and am on Wk 2. This is my minimums for the week. I find that following his program is simple and once I am done add a few more minutes here and there.
 I carry my arm band tracker with me now when I am in the gym. Today when I realized I had done 12 min of Vig activity I decided to get it done. It meant I stayed an extra 15 min on the treadmill and burned an extra 75 cal. Small goals can be big motivators, for me at least.
I have come to realize I just need to do something everyday. My goal was always to lose the weight and get back in shape. It was never to become a BB or figure contestant. I do not need those types of programs.
Adding a few days of lifting will give anyone plenty of muscle def and a healthy body.
Ahh so my final goal is to have a BF range of less than 18% which means a goal weight of roughly  less 30 lbs..And to accomplish by the time I hit New York July 21.

-41 and RAW baby!!!!!

I am trying to combine my blogs so I will bring everyone up to date on where I am and what the hell this stuff means.
Had a terrific 10 months of loss and maintenance and then appear to have thrown that out the window.
As you will be aware ( see blog title) my brain has a bipolar dysfunction and I refuse to use meds.
It has been a challenge but hey life is all about challenges and I have this one down.
Winter months are hardest so Jan and Feb can be brutal. I was not spending time in the gym as I was undergoing physio on my ankle and I had fallen on Dec 26 and badly sprained my wrist. Yes a very attractive look!

Needless to say I allowed this to stop me from doing any sort of a gym routine and yes the food crashed around it. It was all bullshit on my part and I simply needed to change my thinking but that was then and we are on today.
So -41. As a group (Rachel, Dana and I ) started a workout 50/50.
the first 50 was a countdown till Dana leaves Russia for the US with a week break in there and then 50 days till the 3 of us hit New York for Rachel's Birthday.
Got all that!!!
And the ugly truth : up 8lbs from my lowest weight...ugggggg

I have been back doing a varied workout of late and a food program.
Jace Rachel and I did a version of CLEAN and Jace has gone 100% natural. Rach is doing her own version but is doing a fair amount of juicing.
I have been floating around it and have now gone 100% RAW.
Jace dropped 20lbs in just over 4 weeks and he was already low on weight. I am very curious to see what happens to me.
I am not going to use the scale but measurements and picts. I do not care what I weigh just the size I am.
So day 2 of Raw and unprocessed. I feel great. Not that I thought I felt bad before but I think I do have more energy.
Speaking of which I need to hit the gym
I will another page with my plan later.
Make the most of your day, and simply get it done.

Pulling it all together

Well that title stands for a lot of things.
The first is that I have too many blogs!! I think I shall continue to use this one as my main stay and link to the others.
Update for any one who reads this and wonders if I had fallen down the well.
NO!
Fortunately my lack of blogging has more to do with time than depression. Thats the good news.
I am on top of my game and business is booming.
Its interesting for me.
For so long I have let things slip without realizing why. The fact that I can think so much clearer and manage the depression creates another item to be dealt with. Time
I have grown accustomed to my lazy lifestyle. The down side was big but I certainly had time to do what ever I wanted.
This too has caused a bit of an internal struggle but I am there now.
I committed to 365 days of Yoga and certainly have not managed it. I needed to see that my intent to commit was what is of importance. Being too busy with work comes first and Yoga does fall far down the line.
Not that I do not want to get there but being reasonable in my expectations of myself and having good priorities.

This internal struggle between reasonable and not stems from crazy Lena and daily I am learning to see the real world.

Never Give Up on a Dream

The last month I have allowed myself to get sucked into the swirling fog of depression.
Today I remembered that I have to fight back. This is my life and my dream and if I give up then thats what happens.
The biggest lesson learned is that I must be getting a daily workout and eating properly. I know not the biggest news flash in the world but there we have it.
For 10 months I maintained without problem and then whoosh, down I go.

I can come up with a million reasons why. Lots of excuses. Lots of poor me its not my fault.
But I am not a child and this is not about blame its about living my life happy and well.
Replace why not simply with why.
Done and done.
I feel sluggish and uncomfortable. My sleep last night was 75%. It was so broken up it was ridiculous. All signs of heading into a downward slide.

Likely I missed depression a little bit. Its been my constant companion for a lifetime and its an easy way to live.
All the chocolate you want, sleep all day, no cleaning the house, no need to comb your hair, brush your teeth.
Sounds divine!!

The fact is I feel like a slug, have put on a few lbs that I worked so hard to be rid of, sleeping crappy when I had finally found true sleep and am having manic episodes to cope with it all because I am busy work wise.
Sounds fairly stupid. and yes I know I should not use words like that to address myself but truly its very silly.
I know the depression is tough to manage but I also have to chose to manage it.

Lillian has me immersed on " will I ever be good enough" by Karyl McBride. Its a bit tough but really necessary work for me. It has triggered some of this weeks anxiety but as I moved thru the first days of it I am actually coping better and pulling myself out of this,
Its about healing from being raised or not raised by a narcissistic Mother. There is a website, but you have to pay to join and I am not feeling the need to deal with others on this. Haaaaaa I never learned to share.
Sorry unless you have a N mother that joke may be a bit flat.
The first days of it were ugly but I truly think this is a huge piece of the puzzle for me. I need to see how my thinking is skewed in order to move forward.  This is for me where a lot of the negative chatter springs from.

Anyway, I am back and back at it. Yoga in 20 min so I best get ready.
But do remember, never give up. On yourself because that is the dream. You, whole and happy.

Things I love about being In control..

I laugh as I write this. The thing with BP is how quickly your moods can change.
Was it only 10 days ago I was dragging around? This week has been better and its such a relief to realize that the darkness has passed.
Its so nice to enjoy things!
That is the truly tragic and difficult part of the depression. That no matter how good things are or how fun, you simply do not have the ability to enjoy them.
So what is it I am so enjoying at the moment?  The simple fact that I can.
Today was a normal day by normal standards but for me its uplifting.
The fact that I am waking and rising at an earlier hour and not feeling the effects of it. The fact that I am on top of my business and it shows. The fact that I am dealing in real time, not pushing reality away until the world unravels  yet again.
Certainly the light that we are getting these days is one reason but I also have returned to the gym and yoga and have my eating heading in the right direction.
I will not look backward as to why I slipped I will just focus on making it all a habit.
I am close and every day brings me closer.
Its good, its all good and I am thrilled to know that I can indeed do this, drug free.

Showing up for Myself

In an exchange with Rachel this morning the conversation was on not getting it done.
Not sure why we end up in these places but we do. I hate the endless battle and am taking steps to rid myself of the "and repeat".
So a new month with 30 days in it and plenty of sunshine. The worst of the season is behind me and now is the time. Not that I am using the difficulty of Winter months be my excuse. It may have been a reason to slip but not to fall. No matter its all about what I do today.
So today I began the 30 day Yoga journey. The first thing she has you do is make an affirmation,
Mine is to give myself over to 30 days of self care, actually its about dedicating the next 30 days to relearning this necessary skill, it does not end at the 30.
in Excerpt format

...purpose is to realign my daily activities to intent. Intent to feel my best, look my best and live my best. This will include clean eating, daily Yoga, 5 day a week gym visits, healthy sleeping patterns and healthy personal care. I will use the next 30 days to organize my life into the power I desire.Trim and fit, emotionally stable , comfortable with my physical and financial situation and able to complete all my required daily tasks.

So for me now I must simply focus and do daily what is required. I know this but have let it slip away.
No doubt that not doing adds to the depression. I cannot self manage if I refuse to self manage.
Today was my first session back in the gym and that alone has left me feeling calmer.
My ankle is far from healed but am beginning to train around it. I must be outside and walking at some level. My brain needs the sun.
So I will organize my month and within a week get back to H/H.
Forward Motion, its a good thing.

Feb 28..Yikes

Where is the time going.?? Here I am the last day of Feb and I cannot think of where January went..
A couple of poor weeks at the beginning of Februry but I seemed to have pulled myself out of that so not bad on a scale of how life usually went.
I have managed to stay on top of my business and this is the truly great thing of this year.
I will get a handle on the rest but keeping my financial situation stable is number one.
So what have I recognized as having worked and not worked.
I have to be on a schedule and be rigid on my workouts and eating, Also try and get my wake time nailed.
My wake times are the most telling, When I am struggling with this it is a sign of lingering depression.
Due to my problems with my ankle and wrist all my workouts went down the tube. No walking, no gym and even Yoga was restricted. This does not work for me.
Also once I get away from it all its twice as hard to get back to.
The days are growing longer with the sun up by 7 so I will work at adjusting my wake time.
I plan to restart the 30 days of Yoga and get back to my daily Yoga and work out. No walking for a few weeks I suspect. Super clean eating and some outdoor sun time.
My business is growing daily and I must be on top of the rest of things to maintain it all.
So its all good. I may not be where I planned to be but I am close and thats a great thing.  I did not spend the winter curled in bed and wake in the spring to find I had created yet another disaster.
It only gets better. I truly feel like I have a handle on this. I understand where the danger points come in and will add extra vigilance to these.
Drug free, yes as a matter of fact, I can,

sigh....

Yes still struggling. I guess the big difference is with awareness.
I find it very interesting how much ugliness attempts to kidnap my brain. I am in a great place and truthfully content. So where does this shit come from? Its so obvious the chemicals in my brain manifest these thoughts.
I have previously presumed they were leftovers or a form of my unhappiness, now I think not.
As I lay on my mat in Yoga I had to work constantly to stop the flow. Rage, self recrimination it was all there.
Anger aimed at supposed wrong doings like big things like folks placing their mat in such a way that they made the space difficult for others. A big deal and fortunately my functioning brain can now realize these thoughts for the over heightened and exaggerated beliefs they truly are.  It wears me down just realizing that i used to internalize or externalize these thoughts.
The more conscious I become the more aware of the stifling ugliness of this disorder.
I am determined to get back on track this week but am attempting to do it with some state of grace.
Its such a fine line between acknowledging the affect  and cause that is BP and not pushing hard enough to force myself past it. Again the lines and boundaries are blurry.
Just how much slack do I cut myself. So here I am trying not to go hard ass but wondering if I am making excuses. I hate my brain, it screws with me daily!!
Fortunately I can out think the BP wiring and move past it.
I am going with the assumption that like anything else I can retrain it. It will simply take consistent actions wherever possible. And getting back on the horse when I suddenly find myself on the ground.
Lots to do today and I must keep my business focus.
The further I get into this the more I am convinced being drug free will get me to a much better place. I don't believe I could think this clearly and respond appropriately with the drugs to cloud my thinking,
At the end of the day mindfulness and awareness are what will change the pattern of my brain.
Its not a quick fix but much more sustaining in the long run.

Swimming towards the light

It feels odd to be struggling, I have felt so good for so long that it really has taken me awhile to realize how I have been feeling,
It began with the struggle to get out of bed. I finally realized that to be depression not lack of ambition.
This is always one of the most difficult things about Bipolar. The internalizing that goes on. None of it favorable!!
Its the negative chatter that makes me realize exactly whats up.
I have learned to listen and have cut out the crap talk a long time ago. Its interesting to hear the nattering start up. I have no tolerance for it any longer. Odd how I lived with that critic in my own brain for so very long. No wonder I was edgy and stressed.
With BP you really become your own enemy.
My brain is firing this crap at me. Suddenly I hear words like hate and other ugly spiteful connotations float into my consciousness.  Truly I should document much of this but its so friggin draining and such an ugly place that my self survival comes before my concern over helping others. Sounds selfish but self destruct has no value.
So what has brought me here?
I am off program. And yes its that simple. Plus I must remind myself of it. It is what I do daily that matters.
I get that I must, but its easy to slip away from habits regardless of the necessity.
What is even more interesting to me is that I know I must get back into it all but I still am resisting.
Its a weird internal struggle. Somewhere my brain is so familiar with depression that it wants to convince me to settle in. Sorry Brain but we will not be settling in.!
So I must formulate my workout and eating schedule and get back at it.
Really happy with myself making the 8am yoga class today. Its a great step in the right direction and a great reinforcement that I can get up earlier.
So I will shake off the lethargy and give myself a fresh start,
I have an engagement with friends tonight. My first thought was how to get out of it. 2 of my best friends and  my brain does not want to attend.
The thought of it makes me want to cry. I hate my brain and wish it would stop the madness but it cannot unless I give it the tools.
Many things to catch up with today, lots has been slipping away.
Upwards and onwards. I simply need to swim towards the light.

Intention and Depression

I have been struggling with my intention of late. I have been very busy with work and I seemed to have distractions daily.
Its interesting that no matter how many times this happens I fail to realize that its a manifestation of depression.
Distracted, trouble rising in the morning, agitation.  All obvious when I pause to look at it but not so obvious in my daily activity.
So what happened? I let busy interfere in my must do's. Also this business with my ankle saw me giving myself permission to not do certain things.
Vigilance is required and my must do's are simply that.
The great thing is that I am still functioning at 90% so I have made huge progress.
I must however get back on track and that involves more accountability. I see that I need to streamline the process slightly and get a firm grasp on my true intentions.
I know what they are but for the next 50 days I am going to be taking score. Get myself fully back on track and implement enough structure that I can stay there.
The true celebration today is that it was only a half step back.
Truly remarkable progress. My belief that BiPolar can be managed Drug free for most continues and my life is a demonstration of that.
Onward.

Next

“Disdain all disbelief! Work out a system within your mind that allows you to imagine yourself living a prosperous life, with all the material things that are necessary. Send scarcity out of your mind and refuse to have those kinds of thoughts. When an old habitual scarcity thought begins to enter your consciousness, simply say, ‘Next!’”

 Realizing that  my thinking has become from thoughts of scarcity I have been focusing on changing it.
As much as I was great at "hearing" and identifying the turning it around was a struggle.
My good friend Jace has told me numerous times that I did not have to break it down but I just did not get it.
I would "hear" it but then drag myself back into the place it evolved from by over thinking it.
When I listened to PN yesterday Dyers comment about "next" simply made sense.
My search had been for a way to let it go. Having a trigger to do this is the solution for me.
Today started with a trying episode that I simply wished to move past. My over active brain kept trying to loop through my thoughts but every time it appeared I simply said to myself "Next". Not allowing these thoughts any time to take root is the key.
Its sounds so very simple but without this tool I had no way of shutting it down.
This is a huge step forward for me. Shutting down those negative tapes that I seemed to like to play endlessly is like a dream..
I love success!!

Habits and Miep Gies

Todays Note was 7 Habits.
Like many I had read this book when it first appeared. It was considered the bible of business in those days and if you read, you owned it. Its timeless and applies today as it did then.
From todays note I grasped 2 things.
The first one was on integrity. Miep Gies died yesterday and if anyones actions and words define integrity it is this woman. Small wonder she lived to 100. Some one that humble and talk about pro active. An amazing woman. At 90 she was holding on line chats.
The second for me was the 4-quadrant and thoughts on time management.
I strive for structure to keep me on track when the depression becomes its worst. The step I had been missing was prioritizing. Its funny how we become so focused on the doing that we forget the importance of the why.
I postponed my blogging etc this morning till I had taken care of some crucial business matters.
Yes my workouts and other items are of great importance but without the money these would quickly become the least of my worries.
Focusing on the focus, truly essential in our thought processes.

The 4 agreements

On this the first day of our 50 day challenge we began with The 4 Agreements.

I am still fighting my way to the surface, my depression is lingering and this book though simple in context resonates with me.
His concept of 100% and that it means different things is a lesson I am working on accepting.
One of the largest byproducts of Bipolar is the little voice that comes to play.
When you are manic you are invincible and can do no wrong. When depressed you are simply totally useless and can do no right.
Ruiz's definition of what being empecable means along with 100% are a gentle reminder that the voices are not correct.
That voice is the  "domesticated child's voice", one that was domesticated with negativity, criticism and cruelty. It has no meaning or power for me now, today. Depression lures me into forgetting that.

. Being impeccable is not going against yourself. When you are impeccable, you take responsibility for your actions, but you do not judge or blame yourself.”

The other big reminder for me was on defining 100%..

 “Under any circumstance, always do your best, no more and no less. But keep in mind that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next. Everything is alive and changing all the time, so your best will sometimes be high quality, and other times it will not be as good.

In my Communit-E group we have been discussing this concept lately. That 100% today will be different than yesterday and tomorrow. That we can only work at being our best and that it changes on any given day.
A good reminder for me today as well.

I went to bed last night with hopeful intentions for the coming day.
I had assumed the Depression would have lifted ( ha).
So I did not do the things I had promised myself.  This reminder of what doing your best truly means comes at a good time.
I will remind that little voice gently that I am doing my best, giving 100%. Today is today and no negative chatter in the world will ever fix that.

“Nobody abuses us more than we abuse ourselves.”

~ Don Miguel Ruiz

So I will do what I can today. Send that tortured child back to sleep with words of kindness and focus on the now peacefully.

Slip sliding away...........

Tell signs, funny they are always the same but it takes a few days or a conversation or event for me to notice them.
All part of the coping I guess.
Until we see it we cannot fix it.
I have seen this  all week but things are going so well its hard to believe depression has set in.
I suspect a part of me still can not accept  that this is my life. That I will always be susceptible and must keep that guard up.
I realize that my relationship with depression is the longest one I have ever sustained. Well depression sustained it. Hmmm maybe thats not true. I should not give it such power.
The point about my relationship is that its gone on so long that I forget its not supposed to be here anymore.
Like that friend you had a bad break up with and you see them on the street and you think Hey, and then suddenly remember they are not really your friend.
One of the most difficult aspect of BP is that it does just this. Sneaks in and then wham suddenly has you on the ground.
The big tell for me this week is my inability to get out of bed in a timely manner.
I was wiped after Yoga last night as opposed to energized. Now I recognize why.
Its about recognizing  that it is not tired I feel but depression.
OK this whole thought process is depressing me. So now I simply turn it around.
I see it, I change it.
Tiring but manageable. I must accept this and not fight it.
Fighting the depression is enough of a battle. No need to create a second one.

SELF-MASTERY

Interesting lesson today. No big earth shattering moments but for a me a reminder or reinforcement of how I desire to live.
One of the biggest things I find myself doing these days is correcting my language.

Negative speak seems to sneak its way in there if you are not extremely vigilant.
I find myself correcting what I write and turning the phrase and words into the positive now thought process. Easy to do when you are writing, a bit more difficult as you speak.

Throwing my knapsack over the wall

“Once I had committed myself to the path, I discovered an unexpected form of magic. A field of grace seems to form around us when we commit ourselves to something that satisfies our souls. Invisible pathways open up through the universe. We meet people who are on a similar path, and we are given forms of assistance that seem like magic. All these things happened as I opened myself to discovering who I was and what my true purpose in life was.”

I know the official challenge does not start for a few days and that we will be going over this material again but no matter. I have committed myself to this and the magic just keeps coming at me. You couldn't pay me to stop.

Seeing yourself as a victim

I am amazed and love the way listening to others perspectives, makes me see my own.

In Big mind, big Heart they remind us of this. E Tolle hits on it as well.
What's terrific about listening to 100 authors is, that its likely at least one of their perspectives will resonate with you and give you the words that help it make sense to you.

Because the only perspective you can change is your own.

A perfect Day

Truly it was.
The morning began with the first of our Philosophers Notes challenge. Jace and I are listening to 1 podcast daily.
The plan is over breakfast so that you start the day with a new thought.
Interesting today was a New Earth.I have the book downloaded and had planned on a chapter a day so it was auspicious that we began there.
I came to the realization that what I have been unhappy with is not my life but the way I live it.

2010

Today began slowly. The one thing I have finally learned is to relax and take advantage of down time.
There was nothing that needed doing today and anything I had planned was later on.
I really wanted to start my 365/yoga today. I was concerned that allowing my arm to stop me would have repercussions down the road.