ramblings and its working

About 10 days ago I met with another woman who is a patient of Lillians. Lovely lady but what  I want to speak about is how interesting it was to meet someone else who is BP.
So much of the strange happenings in my brain are not mine alone, no they are part of the BP brain.
We laughed at the similarities and bizarre thought processes we shared.
Well we laughed because too many tears have been spilt over this and there simply is no point.
The epitamy of crying over spilt milk.

I mention this because I think these revelations that its not just me manifesting this shit but a by product of bipolar that breaks through some thought barriers. It opens my black and white thinking to some grey areas. And the grey areas are where the answers are. Even to questions you did not know you had.
As I had several years of cognitive behavior therapy prior to the eventual diagnoses of BP I have great skill at analysing behavior, its the recognizing it that is difficult.
That is where all these rumblings and ramblings are coming from these days.
I experience paradigm shifts this way, I always have. No grey areas there.
Hmmmm is my life veiwed as black and white because  I truly lived in shades of grey for so long.
Haaaaa thats one for Jace!
I am deep into this shift. My mind is searching for more clarity. Another peel off the onion. Its all good but it is a very interesting time.
My thought processes become very quick and in depth.  When a thought pops into my head  my brain instantly grasps it and begins the process of breaking it down. Its quite fascinating and its like I observed myself from outside.
I have often mentioned its like I have a split personality. I begin to wonder if this is right brain left brain activity. When I was in discussion with this woman she said she felt certain internal chatter came only from her right side. I have never been aware of this but must do some research on R/L brain activity and see it I can observe this in myself.
Meri has been after me for a while, she beleives I have something to say. After our conversation the other night I have begun ot ponder that fact. Being mid shift this may have been the ideal time for her to have mentioned it again. I am very open to things at this moment as my clarity bubble seems to be active.
It also seems that this has occured since that last crash. That too is of interest.
I think that at one time this would have been a manic episode for me. Which follows given I was in crash mode. I have always beleived that for me mania was a self induced survival instinct. It was something I used to drag me from the depths of depression.
I wonder if its my success with CB therapy or age that has caused this change. Truly I do not get manic.
I have always felt I was 90% depressive and mania was a coping mechanism.
I wonder what others experience.
So I have some thoughts formulating. A thought process moving me into a future. Its amazing how difficult that is. But with focus I can do it. The difference for me know is that I have shown myself that I can manage my depression. Its there but I have learned the skills and I am in control, not that other entity that lives in my brain. Certainly what ever it is that malfunctions in the BP brain is a cousin of split personality disorder.
What I feel today is a resurgance of the ability to use my intellect to problem solve.
Being able to push the fear of depressions dominace to the side will allow me to follow the path to success.
Thanks Meri.
And its working.
As you know I am on day 2 of reload. Hi GI carbs.
The one thing the Leigh Peele always preaches is that we need to quit being afraid of food and learn to understand it. This is certainly reinforced doing 2 days of refeed in this manner,
Here I am less than 2 weeks to the beach and I am eating waffles and bagels.....with butter.
Its a big leap of faith be she says do as I say period. This program is about carb cycling with your exercise and I know I do not have a clue so could not begin to tweak it. Well I could begin but I would just me messing with something I know nothing of.
The scale has been uncooperative and today it was back up. Now I expected that given the load of carbs I am eating and so I simply accepted that as fact and have faith that it will continue its tumble to the next decade by weekend.
But what I did see today is a difference...in the mirror. I am finally dropping BF again. I can see it in my face and when I was in the gym I can see more definition.
As I have been doing a lot of lifting for the last 5 months I know I have built a lot of muscle but it could only be glimped as it was still buried beneath.
I also am reminded of where my body shifts from previous times I have experienced weight loss.
I am seeing one now and I suspect my body is going to allow me to drop 5 lbs in the next while.
That is where the next ledge comes in and then within 3 lbs of that changes become evident again.
Quite exciting for me to feel like I am reaching these levels. Plus very motivating.
Dana has subjected herself to some 6 week contest so we shall both be well behaved on our hol.
Not that we will not be eating and drinking more cals than normal but we will be finding ways of burning those off.
Walking for hours on a lovely sandy beach does not seem like any form of punishment to me.
Final thought for today.
This program does involve lifting but not the intense hour or more a day I had been doing for the previous 4 months.
Reload training is full body and much more intensive. Man can I feel it. Its interesting to feel that way after all this time.
Its been hard to get away from lifting that hard. Everything else feels like a non workout. I think this is another thought process like food to over come. There are no bad or wrong workout methods, just different and our bodies need a bit of everything.