Accountability and what it really means....

This morning was one that found me wondering about accountability and why it seemed so easy before and not so much at the moment.
I was supposed to start anew yesterday and while I did get to the gym and had a reasonable eating day I was a very long way from 100%, very long and as we all know, thats not me.
Generally when I commit its all good and off I go.
Now to waylay the fear a few of you are feeling, no, I have not abandoned ship and am about to cast you all adrift. 
I do not know how many people read my blog but I do have to constant and faithful followers who both sounded a bit panicked today when I did not appear as promised. Sorry just laying low, not laying down.
Given the nature of my business and the nature of my brain its not often that I can simply allow myself to and decide that it can all wait.
So I am here and I am embarking on this new challenge with you. I am simply wandering in rather than plunging.
Thats said, it is in fact more of an excuse to be lazy than restful.
As I headed out to Starbucks at 6a.m. I too had the thought of just where was Cindi and why was she not doing what she said. Accountability I thought, it all comes down to accountability.
Last year when I began RTP the largest driving force was how I felt. I hated how I felt and looked and was truly feeling hopeless. I had doubts as to whether I would find something that would work. I truly believed that possibly nothing would. Within 2 weeks I knew that the program would work for me and made my way into a  small community.
Now its that community that brought about accountability and if I had any doubts about that I re discovered the truth this morning.
I considered it all as I walked through the cold morning and knew I had to find my accountability again.
Daily accountability and a reason to step to the plate daily regardless of how I felt or what was going on.
There are, we know people out there that can set goals and drive them self through them.
I am not one of them. I can come close at times but fare much better in a community. Plus a lot of my drive comes from my leadership ability Pretty hard to lead yourself. Plus its a lot more fun with a group.

Where I have been for the last few days is struggling to find a reason to do things.
Yes I want to lose this last 15 lbs. But I know I can do it and there seems no reason for a deadline.
I am bored with work and thats not helping either.
The fact is I am bored with what I am doing and that is far from motivating. And this is bored not depressed so a different solution is required.
Bi polar has controlled my life more than one can fathom. The great thing with BP is that there was always a crisis looming so boredom was an unknown factor.
I have finally got to where I need to be. My life is under control or at least as under control as it can get.
The side effects of BP still exist but I have the management skills in place so nothing is ever out of place for very long.
This leaves me in a very unique and bizarre place for someone my age. I truly need to decide what it is that I want my life to be.
The difference can be referenced by considering your whole life spent swimming underwater. Day to day life was always about trying to break to the surface and staying there for a length of time. Occasionally I would manage long enough that actually getting to the shore seemed a possibility. It was never a reality and soon I would find myself submerged and swimming beneath the surface yet again. The main problem with being submerged is that fear is your constant companion. The surface then becomes "good enough", certainly better anyway. So the shore simply becomes the place other people get to go.
When you spend most of your life seeing the shore that way you lose or do not gain any understanding of what being onshore truly means. So in my mind I have seen it as either more than or convinced myself it was less than and I would not want it even if I could achieve it.
Now here I find myself living on shore, my swimming days behind me and no life skills to survive.
Well I can survive but not thrive and that is the essential bit.
I never had or used a PRW, simply losing weight and getting things in order was enough of a challenge. That changed but I have not made the adjustment.
At least I now know why I have been struggling with my goal setting and just doing it.
What I realize here and now is that I must dig deeper, look further. And learn some new life skills.
Seems I do have a goal, and a PRW.
I need to learn to live an authentic life this year.
Care to join me?
The first essential skill is one I had mastered and you my friends were somewhere along the path. And the fact that you are still here means that we are starting again.
Step one
Self nurture by being emotionally and psychically healthy.
I start now, Rachel Jan 5 and Meri??? well she will let us know.
Jace has begun a 50 day preshred and as long as we are doing the basics daily it matters not what "day" it is.
Commit yourself to 90 day, decide what your goal is for that 90. Chose a program, there are many and they all work if applied. The success comes from accountability and community.
Make a plan and work the plan.
I will be back tomorrow with more.
I promise.
.