Feb 28..Yikes

Where is the time going.?? Here I am the last day of Feb and I cannot think of where January went..
A couple of poor weeks at the beginning of Februry but I seemed to have pulled myself out of that so not bad on a scale of how life usually went.
I have managed to stay on top of my business and this is the truly great thing of this year.
I will get a handle on the rest but keeping my financial situation stable is number one.
So what have I recognized as having worked and not worked.
I have to be on a schedule and be rigid on my workouts and eating, Also try and get my wake time nailed.
My wake times are the most telling, When I am struggling with this it is a sign of lingering depression.
Due to my problems with my ankle and wrist all my workouts went down the tube. No walking, no gym and even Yoga was restricted. This does not work for me.
Also once I get away from it all its twice as hard to get back to.
The days are growing longer with the sun up by 7 so I will work at adjusting my wake time.
I plan to restart the 30 days of Yoga and get back to my daily Yoga and work out. No walking for a few weeks I suspect. Super clean eating and some outdoor sun time.
My business is growing daily and I must be on top of the rest of things to maintain it all.
So its all good. I may not be where I planned to be but I am close and thats a great thing.  I did not spend the winter curled in bed and wake in the spring to find I had created yet another disaster.
It only gets better. I truly feel like I have a handle on this. I understand where the danger points come in and will add extra vigilance to these.
Drug free, yes as a matter of fact, I can,

sigh....

Yes still struggling. I guess the big difference is with awareness.
I find it very interesting how much ugliness attempts to kidnap my brain. I am in a great place and truthfully content. So where does this shit come from? Its so obvious the chemicals in my brain manifest these thoughts.
I have previously presumed they were leftovers or a form of my unhappiness, now I think not.
As I lay on my mat in Yoga I had to work constantly to stop the flow. Rage, self recrimination it was all there.
Anger aimed at supposed wrong doings like big things like folks placing their mat in such a way that they made the space difficult for others. A big deal and fortunately my functioning brain can now realize these thoughts for the over heightened and exaggerated beliefs they truly are.  It wears me down just realizing that i used to internalize or externalize these thoughts.
The more conscious I become the more aware of the stifling ugliness of this disorder.
I am determined to get back on track this week but am attempting to do it with some state of grace.
Its such a fine line between acknowledging the affect  and cause that is BP and not pushing hard enough to force myself past it. Again the lines and boundaries are blurry.
Just how much slack do I cut myself. So here I am trying not to go hard ass but wondering if I am making excuses. I hate my brain, it screws with me daily!!
Fortunately I can out think the BP wiring and move past it.
I am going with the assumption that like anything else I can retrain it. It will simply take consistent actions wherever possible. And getting back on the horse when I suddenly find myself on the ground.
Lots to do today and I must keep my business focus.
The further I get into this the more I am convinced being drug free will get me to a much better place. I don't believe I could think this clearly and respond appropriately with the drugs to cloud my thinking,
At the end of the day mindfulness and awareness are what will change the pattern of my brain.
Its not a quick fix but much more sustaining in the long run.

Swimming towards the light

It feels odd to be struggling, I have felt so good for so long that it really has taken me awhile to realize how I have been feeling,
It began with the struggle to get out of bed. I finally realized that to be depression not lack of ambition.
This is always one of the most difficult things about Bipolar. The internalizing that goes on. None of it favorable!!
Its the negative chatter that makes me realize exactly whats up.
I have learned to listen and have cut out the crap talk a long time ago. Its interesting to hear the nattering start up. I have no tolerance for it any longer. Odd how I lived with that critic in my own brain for so very long. No wonder I was edgy and stressed.
With BP you really become your own enemy.
My brain is firing this crap at me. Suddenly I hear words like hate and other ugly spiteful connotations float into my consciousness.  Truly I should document much of this but its so friggin draining and such an ugly place that my self survival comes before my concern over helping others. Sounds selfish but self destruct has no value.
So what has brought me here?
I am off program. And yes its that simple. Plus I must remind myself of it. It is what I do daily that matters.
I get that I must, but its easy to slip away from habits regardless of the necessity.
What is even more interesting to me is that I know I must get back into it all but I still am resisting.
Its a weird internal struggle. Somewhere my brain is so familiar with depression that it wants to convince me to settle in. Sorry Brain but we will not be settling in.!
So I must formulate my workout and eating schedule and get back at it.
Really happy with myself making the 8am yoga class today. Its a great step in the right direction and a great reinforcement that I can get up earlier.
So I will shake off the lethargy and give myself a fresh start,
I have an engagement with friends tonight. My first thought was how to get out of it. 2 of my best friends and  my brain does not want to attend.
The thought of it makes me want to cry. I hate my brain and wish it would stop the madness but it cannot unless I give it the tools.
Many things to catch up with today, lots has been slipping away.
Upwards and onwards. I simply need to swim towards the light.

Intention and Depression

I have been struggling with my intention of late. I have been very busy with work and I seemed to have distractions daily.
Its interesting that no matter how many times this happens I fail to realize that its a manifestation of depression.
Distracted, trouble rising in the morning, agitation.  All obvious when I pause to look at it but not so obvious in my daily activity.
So what happened? I let busy interfere in my must do's. Also this business with my ankle saw me giving myself permission to not do certain things.
Vigilance is required and my must do's are simply that.
The great thing is that I am still functioning at 90% so I have made huge progress.
I must however get back on track and that involves more accountability. I see that I need to streamline the process slightly and get a firm grasp on my true intentions.
I know what they are but for the next 50 days I am going to be taking score. Get myself fully back on track and implement enough structure that I can stay there.
The true celebration today is that it was only a half step back.
Truly remarkable progress. My belief that BiPolar can be managed Drug free for most continues and my life is a demonstration of that.
Onward.

Next

“Disdain all disbelief! Work out a system within your mind that allows you to imagine yourself living a prosperous life, with all the material things that are necessary. Send scarcity out of your mind and refuse to have those kinds of thoughts. When an old habitual scarcity thought begins to enter your consciousness, simply say, ‘Next!’”

 Realizing that  my thinking has become from thoughts of scarcity I have been focusing on changing it.
As much as I was great at "hearing" and identifying the turning it around was a struggle.
My good friend Jace has told me numerous times that I did not have to break it down but I just did not get it.
I would "hear" it but then drag myself back into the place it evolved from by over thinking it.
When I listened to PN yesterday Dyers comment about "next" simply made sense.
My search had been for a way to let it go. Having a trigger to do this is the solution for me.
Today started with a trying episode that I simply wished to move past. My over active brain kept trying to loop through my thoughts but every time it appeared I simply said to myself "Next". Not allowing these thoughts any time to take root is the key.
Its sounds so very simple but without this tool I had no way of shutting it down.
This is a huge step forward for me. Shutting down those negative tapes that I seemed to like to play endlessly is like a dream..
I love success!!

Habits and Miep Gies

Todays Note was 7 Habits.
Like many I had read this book when it first appeared. It was considered the bible of business in those days and if you read, you owned it. Its timeless and applies today as it did then.
From todays note I grasped 2 things.
The first one was on integrity. Miep Gies died yesterday and if anyones actions and words define integrity it is this woman. Small wonder she lived to 100. Some one that humble and talk about pro active. An amazing woman. At 90 she was holding on line chats.
The second for me was the 4-quadrant and thoughts on time management.
I strive for structure to keep me on track when the depression becomes its worst. The step I had been missing was prioritizing. Its funny how we become so focused on the doing that we forget the importance of the why.
I postponed my blogging etc this morning till I had taken care of some crucial business matters.
Yes my workouts and other items are of great importance but without the money these would quickly become the least of my worries.
Focusing on the focus, truly essential in our thought processes.

The 4 agreements

On this the first day of our 50 day challenge we began with The 4 Agreements.

I am still fighting my way to the surface, my depression is lingering and this book though simple in context resonates with me.
His concept of 100% and that it means different things is a lesson I am working on accepting.
One of the largest byproducts of Bipolar is the little voice that comes to play.
When you are manic you are invincible and can do no wrong. When depressed you are simply totally useless and can do no right.
Ruiz's definition of what being empecable means along with 100% are a gentle reminder that the voices are not correct.
That voice is the  "domesticated child's voice", one that was domesticated with negativity, criticism and cruelty. It has no meaning or power for me now, today. Depression lures me into forgetting that.

. Being impeccable is not going against yourself. When you are impeccable, you take responsibility for your actions, but you do not judge or blame yourself.”

The other big reminder for me was on defining 100%..

 “Under any circumstance, always do your best, no more and no less. But keep in mind that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next. Everything is alive and changing all the time, so your best will sometimes be high quality, and other times it will not be as good.

In my Communit-E group we have been discussing this concept lately. That 100% today will be different than yesterday and tomorrow. That we can only work at being our best and that it changes on any given day.
A good reminder for me today as well.

I went to bed last night with hopeful intentions for the coming day.
I had assumed the Depression would have lifted ( ha).
So I did not do the things I had promised myself.  This reminder of what doing your best truly means comes at a good time.
I will remind that little voice gently that I am doing my best, giving 100%. Today is today and no negative chatter in the world will ever fix that.

“Nobody abuses us more than we abuse ourselves.”

~ Don Miguel Ruiz

So I will do what I can today. Send that tortured child back to sleep with words of kindness and focus on the now peacefully.