Balance

Well I started my day a little slower. I truly have difficulty balancing enough and not enough.
I had a very busy week and weekend last and this end of week and the long weekend will provide some downtime.
WHy do I feel guilty using downtime as downtime??
Some of this feeling of "sticking" to my schedule comes from fear.
When the depression takes over I start to slow down. Sleep a bit more, do a bit less.
Everything in my life is dictated by black or white thinking. This was true of my nutrition as well.
SO this is another form of balance I must learn.
I know I will do my workout, so does it matter when? I prefer first thing in the morning as it allows me to remove it from my must do list and clears the thought from my brain. A bipolar brain tends to get cluttered if you allow it.
Hmmm, more Balance.
This is what I strive for and struggle with in all parts of my life.
Over involved to under involved, over commited to well you get the point.
Meri asked me last night what my PRW was or new goal.
I believe it will be balance.
One of the reasons for H2H is balance.
SO this weekend I will formulate my goals.
H2H,D2D,M2M-6 months in total.
What do I want these 6 months to be and where do I desire ending up.
Given that the next 6 months are the most "dangerous or slippery" for me I see this as an excellent plan.
I have always fought structure and craved it at the same time.
I believe my BP brains desperately wants and needs structure but the child in me, the defiant one that rebels against the structure imposed by a controlling abusive mother is still fighting.
Its good to recognize this conflict. The rebellious streak does me no good and my mother is not in control. I must however not allow my life to be ruled by that. It is so interesting how we continue down a path we despise, simply because its familiar.
As I sit here contemplating making a plan I am actually excited.
For the first time in years I am happy with how I look. Not that I do not want to continue to improve but I was so disgusted with myself that I isolated myself and would not really appear in public.
Fall is upon us and with it comes all the things I love.
Gallery openings, plays, the Opera.
I had already been looking into events that were planned for the Fall and will continue this with my "Plan" this weekend.
In there is my trip to Moscow to spend Xmas and New years with Dana. We travel beyond that but even if we only spend our time there it will be fabulous.
So now I have a plan for the W/E.
Its beatiful and I can walk and think as I don't work.
Balance, I will find it, one step at a time.