Have I mentioned I f**kin hate Depression...Crashing

Ahh my friend depression, here for a visit.
He's a sneeky SOB. It takes me awhile to realize thats hes back in my life.
Part of that is denial and part is that well, likely I have lived with him so long I do not always realize that normal has become abnormal. Well my new normal has become abnormal.
Confused??? Welcome to living with Bipolar.
Its a disease or affliction and I like to pretend I can control it. I can't but I do get to pretend for periods at a time..
The problem with depression is that its depressing to have to deal with it. No I am not trying to be funny, that statement tells you how blah I am.
So where did it start. Well its always there but certain things keep it at a distance. Nutrition, exercise, engaging with people....my sad lamp.  I am coming to think my SAD lamp is not all that effective.
Or at least is effectiveness is limited.
When I started using it in September I certainly noticed an elevation in mood and my sleep patterns got better. I expect that the big win for me is what it does for sleep.
I have been really struggling to wake at 7. Its been feeling next to impossible and as per usual I have been having that little negative chatter in my head about lazy individuals named Cindi.I am antsy, bored I called it. Its not boredom. Edgy, this I thought was a reaction to a few things going on. No, I have been overreacting to a few things going on because of the depression. A few too many bitch paranoia sessions of late.
Latent fear that upon examination makes no sense.
Hes back and he has been living in my house for a month and I simply refused to acknowledge him.
Things I learned to see today:
When I say I am bored it means I am depressed.
When I am lazy it means I am depressed.
When I am paranoid it means I am depressed.
When I make a million dollar sale and am not excited about it it means I am depressed.
When my business is firing on all cylinders and I am not excited  it means I am depressed.
When I have a new client waiting for an evaluation and I have not done it in 6 days it means I am depressed.
When I have difficulty getting tasks done it means I am depressed.
When I feel like curling up into a ball and crying like a baby it means I realize I am bipolar and this SOB will live in my house whether I like it or not. I am not in control and I never will be.
The fact that I sit here and cry as I write this means I am depressed.
The fact that its October means that I react in the season. Maybe I am not quick cycling.
The fact that I want to say I am tired and do not want to deal with this means I am depressed.
This will pass, so will the feeling that I get why people with depression kill themselves.
Its a life sentence but everyday is not that bad. I need to remember that.
I don't have this. I thought I did, no I hoped I did.
I write this to remind myself that there are days like this and maybe weeks but I am stronger than a disease.
Its like a wave crashing over my head and dragging me down. Ahh yes I am crashing. I get it .
It took me till 2 in the afternoon to get to the gym today. It really did not help. I think I needed to do more.
I must try that. I must remember this is just my brain messing with some chemical reaction. Its not real. I have no reason to feel bad. I have nothing but great things happening. I am going to Thailand.
I have my business and finances under control. I have my weight under control.
Its just a little rip tide and I simply must not panic and slowly swim back to shore and sanity.
I can. Its scary how this feels. Being aware makes it more difficult in the short term but makes life balanced in the long term.
I knew this time of year would be tough. I was right. I just need to find a way to cope with this.
I need to make some serious plans to live somewhere there is sun. I don't think I can manage this here. It may simply be too difficult.
Coping skills for the winter for this year will require a plan. I can do that. I have done 6 months well. I will learn the skills I need. I will be more vigilant. I will find a way. I will.
I will.

2 more sleeps for Rachel and then her Surgery and then she can put the worst of this behind her. Her MRI was clear so its good, all good.
You are an amazing woman my friend. Keep writing, keep strong.