We really spent a lot of time focusing on what I have come to feel is the core issue for me now.
If you have followed me you will know that I feel I have a handle on the BP now. Yes we know it cannot be cured but managed, yes. Its not possible to eliminate the Depression but I have a much stronger sense of it and my coping skills kick in before it takes me down. Thats the best you can get and the rest is simply about eliminating outside stressors as much as possible.
My biggest realization has been about the depression itself and the affect it has had on my thinking.
This is going to be another area where all the cognitive behavior therapy we did comes into play and lessons the learning curve.
Once you have learned to manage the depression you have to go on a search mission to find where its altered your thinking.
One of the largest for me is Commitment. I have always refused or resisted any sort of long term commitment. I now realize that the reason for this was fear of incompletion. I was not cognizant of the why, I simply refused.
The why was that subconsciously I knew I could not due to the fact that depression that deep black ugly hole would take me down and I would not be able to finish my commitment.
The thing with the type of depression I experience is that is almost completely debilitating but I have never been aware of that in a conscious level. So the intelligent me could never figure out why I was never able to complete things. Why I could be so driven and successful and then have it all fall apart and then come back together and then fall apart and ..........
The cycle of depression has had a devastating effect on my quality of life and I mean to change that.
So if I have my depression under control why worry? Because my subconscious mind has not made the shift from can't to can.
This unconscious level also has an effect on self esteem with BP's. Again the inability to recognize the depth of depression we suffer from ( depression = normal for us) causes us to take on internal dialog that is highly critical.
Not being able to make a commitment would translate to lazy or unmotivated. Knowing you cannot complete things but not understanding why creates an environment of fear, big overwhelming fear. So the depression is deepend by the fear.
This too is why BP's love their manic episodes. Its the only time you truly feel good about yourself.
Generally the mania ends up getting treated but not the depression. Its hard I think for anyone not BP to grasp the depth of depression we suffer from. I suspect the depression most people suffer from is for a BP a "good" day. Almost middle ground.
We are BP in all things. There is no middle ground and once you manage the depression then you must discovered what middle ground is.
And that is what 2010 for me is. Finding middle ground. In everything.
Finding the present and being in it.
When I focused on thoughts of the future which invariably took me to thoughts of the past I froze on doing something in the present.
This a conclusion I came to the other day as I walked to Yoga. I was contemplating doing Yoga for 365 days. My subconscious mind was screaming NO and I wondered why. There is not a negative thing said about Yoga and certainly a lot of positive benefits . Add BP and the search to manage drug free and you should have an automatic, thats a great Idea. The above was my realization to why I had so much difficulty with making the commitment. The core of this thinking is depression. and my realization that I am not present and have not been for a very long time if ever.
So my plan for the year is to still set goals and make commitments but I need to focus on now,today.
Where am I and what can I do to make myself happy with that/ Its OK to be happier upon completion of a task, goal or event but the most important is the now. No more time to waste on the future.
and 365 days of Yoga? Yup I am. Because my journey to be present also requires me to make commitments.
BP is a journey and at times the vigilance is tiring. But vigilance is all we have if we are to move past victim, survive and thrive.
Thrive: the next Generation 2010.
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