Setting myself free:

Guilt and fear.
Every now and then I have another epiphany.
You would think years of therapy would have dragged it all out but today I realize that because of the depression my mind lacks clarity. The fact that the depression has come and gone without my realizing it for what it was has contributed to this.
The fact that I deal with 2 issues, one being the BP and the other the trauma of early childhood abuse is a lethal mix of skewed cognitave thinking.
What I have discovered today is that the longer I have clarity the more my brain is able to shift to rational thinking.
I have been hyper vigilant in monitering my BP for the last 6 months and aside from a bad few days here and there have truly made a shift.
I had a crash in the month of October and that simply brought me back to strong focus.
Staying focused which leads to staying active is my life force, the key to management.

To bring us to this point I will make mention that I have been estranged from my family since 1992.
For me this is a good thing as coping with their disfunction simply hightened mine and there is no value there for me.
Through circumstance and the internet I stumbled upon a myspace page of my youngest brother. My relationship with him was bizarre, the circumstances of our childhood creating a distrust so strong that I would not ever feel safe in the same room with him. Real or not I cannot say. He has lived a life of full disfuntion and is a user. At 57 he is still living off my Mother and has worked very little and to the best I know accomplished very little.
What I discovered was that he was on his way to Arizona and was getting married this weekend.
His page speaks of the homes he owns and unless my mother has completely lost her mind and given him her largest assets ( which I doubt) he is being misleading in suggesting he owns these properties.
His fiance is 57 and so excited about marrying this wonderful man......hmmmm.
Oh, I forgot to mention he has recently found Jesus ( did Jesus know he was missing?), sorry my skepitism is not without reason.
So my first instinct was to send this woman an email. Not sure what her financial circumstances are but she spoke of selling her home and I was oh oh !
I did decide over a few days time that she was the one responsible for having checked his story and if she wanted to be conned that was her choice.
The second occurance was with a friend of mine. He is having some difficulty and wanted my help.
Now I only have his side of the story and this involves my business.  He wanted me to talk to as many people as I could.  The reason he needs me is that I have a lot of freinds and respect in the industry and while his business is financially successful he has few friends.
Like usual I agreed and after thinking about it wondereed whether I really wished to involve myself.
Of course guilt came out to play, you promised guilt said. Yes I did but then last year when this friend
volunteered to help me with a situation he never followed thru and left me at a financial loss because I trusted his word.
So whats this all about? Clarity!
I still allow fear and guilt to guide my actions when I should not. I take responsibility for things that are not mine. All this does is take energy away from my own life.
This is borne out of a misplaced childhood belief that it was my job to make things better. Typical thinking of an abused child. Make it better and the abuse stops. Actually it does not but it was a survival mechanism.
I do not need to make things better for others. They are not out there making things better for me and the sooner I realize and accept that the easier my life becomes.
It removes the fantasy of someone coming to save me and takes my stress level down by a huge amount.
I am not responsible for the actions or results of others lives and thoughts. Just mine.
Its a slow process but the more I control the BP the easier my life gets.
Its a shift in thinking I need to make.
The sooner I do the sooner I set myself free.