Reflections and what it takes to move forward

Interesting day today.
I had ordered some things to take away with me and was becoming concerned they would not arrive in time.
On my way back from Starbucks I encounted the mail delivery with my parcel. Ordering on line is always a guess and sized are tough.
The good news is that most of what I purchased fit and if not now then shortly. It may not do for this trip but I shall keep it.
The one thing I was not concerned with was the one piece bathing suit. Haaaaaaaa bathing suits are hell and no its does not work.
I shall take myself off to one of the local swim shops and find something before I go.
Not sure if trying on the bathing suit was my undoing but it really forced me to take a look at where I am and where I want to be.
Looking in the mirror and trying to feel good in a bathing suit is a challenge. looking good in clothes not as much of one.
So after feeling good about where I was at and feeling like the weight was beginning to move, staring at this old body upclose and personal...well

What I do know is that I am different. And I am different because I walked away from that mirror reminding myself of how I would have felt 30 lbs ago. And 7 months on working out continuously ago.
The thing that I realize daily is how much I have avoided really looking and that is what I must absorb.
The last time I went to a resort and considered wandering around in a bathing suit was 1999.
A whole lot has transpired since then and I am 10 years older. 10 years at this stage of life is a very long time on the body.
The good news is that I calmly wrapped up the bathing suit and had a calm conversation with myself.
No, not where I want to be but truly need to look at where I am compared to where I was.
Expectations need to be managable and so do our lives.
My first thougths of course was that I should have been more extreme with myself during the summer.
Well the fact is I worked out consistently, built some LBM, allowed my skin to adjust at a reasonaable rate, shaved a few more inches of and never considered quiting or bingeing.
Everyday I am closer to my goal. For the last 4 years that has not been true.
I looked back to show myself just what had transpired and why I should not expect to undo what had taken a few years in a few months.
In 2005 I started the year with a good program in place and continued it through the summer by walking everyday. I was at a good weight but likely about where I am and in not to bad of shape. That November I remember running outside in shorts, it was a year similar to this. I sustained myself till Dec and then started to slide. I have evidence of a manic episode in early January and I will have started the upward climb of weight once again. I started a kickboxing total body course and did 17 weeks and recall that I was getting a lot of comments as the summer progressed about how slim I was getting ( good comments)
Again I maintained it and then November hit and again my weight began to climb. Always smaller amounts, likely 10 lbs but that beginning. In February I travelled to NY for my 50th BD and upon my return we came to the conclusion of my BP.
Ah yes and then the drugs and my weight began to esculate. Beginning of 2008 and I tried Nutrisystem. Lost some weight, likely about 10 lbs and then when I returned in April and could no longer run it started to get out of control.
Well I was out of control.
Sept of 2008 I started working with a trainer 3/wk and following her nutrition program. My weight either stayed the same or edged up. Somewhere in there I topped out at the highest I have ever been or will ever be.
March 23 I began yet another new program.
And here I am. Still at it. Everyday moving forward. Everyday working out and eating with awaremess.
Everyday getting out of bed and coping with my depression and my BP.
It funny as I write this.
I have been encouraging Rachel to consider the future and plan her new program.
Not because I think it matters if she gains or loses 10 lbs but because I think its important she feel in control of whats happening.
Ok a slightly different mirror to look in.
It really is all about moving and looking forward.
Yes I wish I could get there in a hurry but I cannot.
Actually most of us cannot and that is where the problems come in.
We spend years getting out of shape and want it all back in 90 days or less.
I wanted to be done by Jan1, not going to happen. I wanted to be done by Feb 16, not likely to happen.
But..........
I can continue and I will be very much closer by Jan 1. And Feb 16 is 7 weeks into our 12 week challenge.And at the end of our 12 week challenge I will have reached a place that I was sick with believing I would never see.
When I think of how I felt on Mar 23/2009, it was not optomistic it was desperate.
And on March 23/2010 I will be very far from desperate, very.
Sometimes we have to let things be enough. I have a hard time with that and so do most of you.
So lets look forward to enough and simply do the best we can in such a way that we sustain it.
How amazing that we have each other to go to and to help with that. Something else we did not have 7 months ago and certainly something we will have in 5 months time.
So while we have lost we have gained. And if you have gained you have not lost. I mean that however you feel about yourself.
So make a plan that works for you and we will move forward together.
Its a great concept.

8 more sleeps