Swimming towards the light

It feels odd to be struggling, I have felt so good for so long that it really has taken me awhile to realize how I have been feeling,
It began with the struggle to get out of bed. I finally realized that to be depression not lack of ambition.
This is always one of the most difficult things about Bipolar. The internalizing that goes on. None of it favorable!!
Its the negative chatter that makes me realize exactly whats up.
I have learned to listen and have cut out the crap talk a long time ago. Its interesting to hear the nattering start up. I have no tolerance for it any longer. Odd how I lived with that critic in my own brain for so very long. No wonder I was edgy and stressed.
With BP you really become your own enemy.
My brain is firing this crap at me. Suddenly I hear words like hate and other ugly spiteful connotations float into my consciousness.  Truly I should document much of this but its so friggin draining and such an ugly place that my self survival comes before my concern over helping others. Sounds selfish but self destruct has no value.
So what has brought me here?
I am off program. And yes its that simple. Plus I must remind myself of it. It is what I do daily that matters.
I get that I must, but its easy to slip away from habits regardless of the necessity.
What is even more interesting to me is that I know I must get back into it all but I still am resisting.
Its a weird internal struggle. Somewhere my brain is so familiar with depression that it wants to convince me to settle in. Sorry Brain but we will not be settling in.!
So I must formulate my workout and eating schedule and get back at it.
Really happy with myself making the 8am yoga class today. Its a great step in the right direction and a great reinforcement that I can get up earlier.
So I will shake off the lethargy and give myself a fresh start,
I have an engagement with friends tonight. My first thought was how to get out of it. 2 of my best friends and  my brain does not want to attend.
The thought of it makes me want to cry. I hate my brain and wish it would stop the madness but it cannot unless I give it the tools.
Many things to catch up with today, lots has been slipping away.
Upwards and onwards. I simply need to swim towards the light.