sigh....

Yes still struggling. I guess the big difference is with awareness.
I find it very interesting how much ugliness attempts to kidnap my brain. I am in a great place and truthfully content. So where does this shit come from? Its so obvious the chemicals in my brain manifest these thoughts.
I have previously presumed they were leftovers or a form of my unhappiness, now I think not.
As I lay on my mat in Yoga I had to work constantly to stop the flow. Rage, self recrimination it was all there.
Anger aimed at supposed wrong doings like big things like folks placing their mat in such a way that they made the space difficult for others. A big deal and fortunately my functioning brain can now realize these thoughts for the over heightened and exaggerated beliefs they truly are.  It wears me down just realizing that i used to internalize or externalize these thoughts.
The more conscious I become the more aware of the stifling ugliness of this disorder.
I am determined to get back on track this week but am attempting to do it with some state of grace.
Its such a fine line between acknowledging the affect  and cause that is BP and not pushing hard enough to force myself past it. Again the lines and boundaries are blurry.
Just how much slack do I cut myself. So here I am trying not to go hard ass but wondering if I am making excuses. I hate my brain, it screws with me daily!!
Fortunately I can out think the BP wiring and move past it.
I am going with the assumption that like anything else I can retrain it. It will simply take consistent actions wherever possible. And getting back on the horse when I suddenly find myself on the ground.
Lots to do today and I must keep my business focus.
The further I get into this the more I am convinced being drug free will get me to a much better place. I don't believe I could think this clearly and respond appropriately with the drugs to cloud my thinking,
At the end of the day mindfulness and awareness are what will change the pattern of my brain.
Its not a quick fix but much more sustaining in the long run.